W...T...F!!!

JESUS CHRIST!!!

Ok, so um...yeah, two for one sale today. But I had to say something. Has anyone else seen what has to happen for K.C. to pick-up the Wildcard spot? I'm sure a lot of people could give a shit, maybe two (two whole shits - wouldn't that be something?!), but I do...so here's how it breaks down:

Denver has to lose

Tennessee has to lose

The Jets have to lose

Yeah, ok so it could happen, here's the rub: Denver's got San Fran at home (fuck), Tennessee has the Patriots (ok, not so bad), and the Jets...

...HAVE FUCKING OAKLAND AT HOME!!!

Oakland...arguably one of the worst teams in NFL FUCKING HISTORY!!! What're they gonna do, pull one out of their collective ass and win one just to retain their dignity? Right, and my wife's gonna let me have that hot 3-way I've been dying/begging for! Don't Fuckin' Think So!!!

FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK!!!!!!!

(*in English accent*)It's...just not fair!

Materialistic Capitalist American Swine...ooh, CD's!!!

"Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Mer...Kiss my ass. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass......Happy Hanukkah!"

So anyway, I know I haven't had much to say in a while (at least that didn't concern the death of someone relatively famous anyway), so I thought I'd throw a season's greetings out to my loyal fan base (all two or three of you..."I'm a very lonely man!"). While I was here I thought I'd share how nice Satan Clause was to me this year and see if anyone else wanted to reciprocate.

Let's see...

Got a nice juicy 19" flat-panel widescreen monitor for my studio. Yea!!!

And a 48-port patch bay. Double-yea!!!

And an effects/accentuator pedal for my synth...yea again! (in case anyone's wondering, the pedal basically fortissimos passages when depressed during playback adding emphasis to the music where the performer - me - needs it. Kinda cool, huh?!)

And thanks to Brad, my mom caught me up on a rather large hole in my Basil Poledouris CD collection (The Blue Lagoon, Lonesome Dove, and For Love of the Game - all very much recommended). So...thanks mom, thanks Brad!!!

Birthday's on Friday (fuck...30......fuck!!!). I know mom got me the complete Two Towers and something else. Sam got me a John Williams Signature Score from Hal Leonard. Hoping it's Far and Away, E.T., Close Encounters, or Viktor's Tale (from The Terminal). They really need to release a new one. And releasing 1941 by itself without the parts would be a plus too!!!

Anyway, that's what the American Consumer Commercialist Holiday Goat (the bunny was already taken by that other Jesus Day) brought this year...how'd everyone else make out?!!

Ok, If This Keeps Up, I'm Going to Have to Change the Name of This Blog to "Shehan's 'You Heard It Here First' Artist Obits and More"!!!

So anyway, I know it's early so I imagine no one's heard yet, but Shirley Walker died of a brain aneurysm yesterday. At this point I'm more than grateful that November is finally over because it was not a good month for artistry in Hollywood. That makes Basil, Altman, Big Jack Palance, and now Shirley (ok, so who am I forgetting...). For those of you who are unfamiliar, Ms. Walker was really a damned good orchestrator/conductor/composer. Just listen to just about anything Danny Elfman did before 1995 or so and she had a hand in its orchestrations. Her music for Batman: The Animated Series was top notch, and there were several of her film scores that I was fond of, particularly Memoirs of an Invisible Man, and the first two Final Destination's were pretty good too. She and Rachael Portman more or less embodied feminine success in film music. Shirley wasn't exactly a household name like Johnny or Jerry, but I'm sure she'll still be missed nonetheless.

Ok, So What's the Deal, Is There Some Kind of Artistic Genius Conspiracy Going On or Something?

So anyway, if no one else had heard yet, CNN.com just announced that director Robert Altman died today. Last week it was Basil and now Altman. Who's up for next week...Paul Newman? Probably not, seems the Lord's got it in for artists who were born here in K.C. lately. Still it is a sad day for film fans everywhere, and even more of a travesty that old Oscar always eluded him. Condolences to his family...Bob, you'll be missed - you were one of the greatest (we'll excuse you for Pret-a-Porter...everyone gets one big mistake in life)!

A Sad, Sad, Sad Day

Ok, so...I'm officially depressed. In case some of you haven't heard yet, Mr. Basil Poledouris passed away yesterday at 61. I haven't read the full articles from VareseSarabande (update: the Varese "article" is more of a blurb with a picture really) or Filmmusic.com yet (update #2: scratch that one too - just finished it), but apparently it was cancer...which I guess explains why he hasn't been busy at doing much for a while. It's almost enough to make you feel like a dick for wishing he'd get back to work for so long. I don't know what to say really...I'm so disheartened right now I could almost get teary-eyed. So now that's two composers I idolize who are gone without my ever so much as having been able to say hello to them. Oh great, now I'm an even bigger prick because I'm making this more about me than him. It's strange how this has happened to two iconic film composers now in the last few years. Think about it, the same thing happened with Jerry, you know, just sort of disappeared all of a sudden, then poof...gone. Poledouris was quoted not that long ago as having said something to the effect of being semi-retired since Hollywood didn't seem to have much of a use for composers like him anymore. Who knew he was fucking dying! What's more sad, the fact that a truly great artist is gone today, or that he was right and that Hollywood has lost touch with good film music. Fuck this sucks!!!

SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

Light a candle folks, say a prayer, whatever it is that you do...do. Another true genious has left our shitty little world for the big orchestra in the sky. God bless you Mr. P, and thanks for everything, especially Conan, Starship Troopers, The Hunt for Red October, Flesh + Blood, Quigley, Robocop, Lonesome Dove, The Jungle Book, The Touch, It's My Party, Farewell to the King...and did I mention Conan!?!?!

Jaded

So anyway, the whole Mark Foley thing has kinda got me in a "blah" sort of mood. I don't know what it is really. At this point I'm thinking that they'd actually have to catch a Senator, in black leather chaps, in the act of sodomizing a small Central American boy, while sucking off a goat, in his office at the Capital, with an entire film crew taping it all for a Politicians Gone Wild video before it would even begin to get some kind of rise out of me. I guess the "game" is just getting old. That isn't to say I'm not slightly disgusted by the act. It's not so much that I care that the guy's queer as a 3 dollar bill (I don't), I'm mostly just repulsed that he chose to do it with a teenager. Point is, I just don't care...grossed out a little, but essentially indifferent. I read a couple of the transcripts online (since that's the only place the FCC will allow them to be presented), and yeah, I feel a little dirty now. It's actually kind of ironic and oxymoronic that a "scandal" like this is happening to a man like Foley (a gay/pedophiliac/Republican - what are the odds?! apparently pretty damned good...unfortunately!). Doesn't everything about this situation go against everything that these people supposedly stand for. Isn't it supposed to be the Republican credo that "homos are destroying the moral fabric of our society". This is making my brain hurt. Fact is, I'm more shocked by something I learned yesterday morning. Seems that the lovely young lady (actress Mercedes McNabb) gracing this month's cover of Playboy and featured inside in a rather attractive pictorial is none other than the same girl who played the Girl Scout selling cookies in The Addams Family movie (and the bitchy blonde priss from the summer camp in the sequel). That's where my spectrum of shock is at the moment...more surprised by neked hotness than political perversion. But I digress...

I mean really, let's face it, American politics has become a series of calculable scandals that pop up every four or eight years like some kind of Pervert Olympics ("next up in the 400 meter Coke Line Snort..."). Think about it, every time there's about to be a major demographic shift in Washington, a whole mess of shit gets thrown out into the public spotlight. In about six or eight years when the masses have grown weary of Democratic control in Congress (which is almost a guarantee come November), the Republicans will start popping up out of the cracks like rats fleeing a flood, with dirt on every left-winger in office. It happened with Clinton. Granted, sexual scandal dogged him for most of his administration, but the Republicans didn't really make a big issue of it until he had less than two years left in orifice...er...office. They jumped on it like starved rabid dogs on an old bone. What happened in 2000...come on, you all remember, Gore won the election but didn't actually become President and the moral right took control of Congress. Now that they've been comfortable for a few years, they're starting to fuck things up again shifting the public favor back to the left a bit...we're sheep...sheep I tell you!

Right now I actually find it more fascinating that one of the auto-flush toilets in the men's room on my floor is stuck in permanent flush mode. I figure we're waisting about 20-30 gallons of water an hour until a maintenance guy shows up after 8:00. Coincide that with the fact that we toss out about half a forest's worth of paper daily and I think this bank has officially become the single most destructive and eco-unfriendly company in the Kansas City area...maybe the midwest. Oh well...

I guess if there's one thing to get warm and fuzzy over, it's that the Monkey is officially bipedal. I'll get a picture up if this damn thing will let me; no go so far though...

I am getting such a raging clue right now...are you?!

Padding My Blog

This Space For Rent

that is all.

Things That Make Your Wife Want To Kill You

So anyway, I was just perusing the web and stumbled upon a baby outfit that reads:

"I'm proof that my mom likes to fuck!"

Oh yeah...I'm so gonna find one and order it!!! That may be the single coolest Whiskey Tango item (for babies or otherwise) that I've ever seen.

Thought for the Day

Confuse-us say, "Man who smoke grass while sitting on toilet is high on pot"!



That is all.

Conceding Defeat

It's been a long, hard road. Even through the worst of it it looked as though we still had a chance. Everyone really gave it their all to try and achieve our goal. I want to take this opportunity to thank everybody for their support and dedication to the cause. However, as everyone has likely observed, for now at least, it's over. Sacrifices were made, hopes were elevated as high as could be, well...hoped! But, as fate would have it (as it often does in these situations), things just didn't go our way. We fought the good fight, and I know you were all behind us on this one. It just wasn't our time...this time.

So...as things stand right now, it would appear as though, in fact, we are all not going to die after all!

I know, I know...no one wants to admit when they're beaten. I know everybody was pushing for escalation. But it would seem that the Arab nations hate each other almost as much as they hate the Jews! Our own government, God bless them, apparently felt it better to only fight the fights they thought they could win, rather than the ones that needed fighting. Oh wait...oh, nevermind. I suppose the best we can hope for now is that a stray rock or perhaps a misconstrued glance at the wrong person will get the ball rolling again. Maybe even an ill willed comment about someones goat by one side or the other...wouldn't that be glorious?! Only time will tell, for now the word is: patience. Like the man said, "All we need is just a little patience".

Thank you, and good night.

That is all.

"Oh that...that's my Theme Music. Every good hero should have some!"

So anyway, I'm Baaaaack!!! I know not everyone's had a chance to weigh in on the last one, but I thought I'd go ahead and get the next one going anyway. So like I alluded to previously, here it is, plain and simple:

What are your top 10 favorite Themes ever?

Yes, I know, I'm still a bastard, perhaps becoming even more so with each new posting. Now in this case, I don't necessarily mean the Main Titles from the film. Just the (or just a) primary musical motif from the film. In some cases you may want to reference a specific cue or track from the CD to represent what you're really thinking (I know I will in a case or two). And again, you don't have to write an essay on each choice explaining it, but a little something for most of them might be nice. Character or event motifs really shouldn't count, but if you feel that strongly about one, then what the hell, by all means include it! And as Vogler demonstrated on the last posting, feel free to include runners-up or honorable mentions or what ever the hell you feel like calling them.

Oh, and don't set your phasers to kill on me yet, cuz if you hate me now, then my next post will make you want to pull my spine out through my asshole and parade me around like a friggin meat popsicle. So (once again) without further ado, I present...my choices:

10. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (Michael Kamen) - To this day I still get a little excited when I hear those cellos start grinding away with that opening ostinato. Like most Mike Kamen scores, the film mix blows the CD mix out of the water, nearly to the point where it almost sounds like two different orchestras performing. The CD sounds like a 30-piece group performing in my bathroom. Regardless, it's still about as rousing as rousing gets.

9. Monsignor (John Williams) - Ok, so...obviously most you (or people in general, for that matter) will have absolutely no frame of reference for what I'm talking about here. Monsignor was this bad little film from 1982 starring Christopher Reeve (God bless) as an American priest reassigned to the Vatican just after WWII who gets involved with the mafia, a woman, and other shady affairs. The music has only been available on LP and as a bootleg doubled with The Missouri Breaks. Just take my word for it that it's stirringly gorgeous (way better than the film deserved).

8. The Last Starfighter (Craig Safan) - Yes kids, that The Last Starfighter. That silly little guilty pleasure from '84 with all the cheesy computer effects about the trailer park kid that gets recruited from playing an arcade game to become a space fighter pilot "defending the Frontier against Zur, and the Kodan Armada!". Despite it's goofy synth embellishments (cheesy fx/cheesy music), it's still a fantastic little piece of music. Just take my word for it, go get the CD (you can usually find it online).

7. Ghost in the Shell (Kenji Kawai) - Once again I wander into the valley of the unknown for most. There's something eerily brilliant about this theme (or the whole score for that matter - which is basically just variations on the theme). The Japanese do strange things with their scores (and pull it off quite successfully), things that most Western composers wouldn't even think of trying. The vocal effects are genius. The theme is simultaneously haunting, moving, and deafeningly shrill.

6. Sabrina (1995) (John Williams) - My predilection for that which is schmaltzy will not be denied. I'm sorry, say what you will, but I think that this may be one of the most beautiful things written for piano (I even like the film - whatever happened to Julia Ormond anyway?). Whenever I need a little light cheering up, I'll sit down at the piano and play through a little of it, works every time.

5. Signs (James Newton Howard) - What more can I say than what I mentioned on the last list. Never in their short history has the Academy been so very wrong. This theme is Hitchcockian in a way that even Hitchcock and Herrmann may never have dreamed of. A pristine example of sheer compositional brilliance.

4. Star Trek: The Motion Picture/Star Trek: First Contact (Jerry Goldsmith) - I just can't split these two up. I love Jerry's Star Trek theme, and I particularly love what he did with it in the Next Gen films. I can't think of a better way to capture the emotion and awe of a first meeting with an alien intelligence than he did with his First Contact theme. So here they are, together, at number 4.

3. Anvil of Crom (from Conan the Barbarian) (Basil Poledouris) - There's something about that many Horns blasting away like they do here that's almost boner inducing. I suppose it's safe to say that Basil is my 3rd favorite composer and this theme (the whole score for that matter) represents him at his absolute best. This is, in a word...Divine. If ever there was a score in dire need of a re-recording, I think Conan the Barbarian is it. It's funny, you combine two whole European orchestras together for your recording, you get perfection. Take one away, you get...well, Conan the Destroyer to be precise (yecch!).

2. Schindler's List (John Williams) - I'm sorry, but, I still get teary-eyed when I hear this. Where Star Trek: First Contact embodied wonder and awe, so does Schindler's List for the hauntingly tragic and hope within sadness. I can't help but think a piece of music like this was nothing if not a result of genuine Divine inspiration. This is truly God's music (regardless of which One represents you). I play this at the piano when I'm sad and want to stay that way (ok, well not always, but you get the idea).

1. Star Wars/Superman (John Williams) - Ok, so again, I just can't break these two up even though (unlike number 4) one has nothing to do with the other. With everything else prior on the list, what else could be number one? If either of these two themes don't stir some sort of excitement in you every time you hear them...you're dead inside. I hear Superman, and I think "Superman - man of steel, man who can fly, leaps tall buildings, etc.". It makes me want to fly. And regardless of how jaded you were by the Prequel Trilogy, regardless of your thoughts on The Lord of the Rings, nothing in cinema for the remainder of time will ever have the impact musically that the music from Star Wars has on Western culture. I hear that opening Bb major blast on a big screen and I just about jump out of my seat with excitement. Regardless of the 60 or 70 some odd years of film music history that came before them, these two themes are, and likely will forever be, the quintessential examples of music for film. It just does...not...get...any...better...

...period.

1st Runner-Up:

The James Bond Theme (particularly as represented by "The Company Car" in Tomorrow Never Dies*) (Monty Norman/David Arnold*) - I know Jack and shit about jazz (and Jack just left), but this, to me, is fantastic. The theme embodies cool sophistication and what David Arnold did with it in the aforementioned cue was pure genius.

2nd Runner-Up

Hymn to Red October (Basil Poledouris) - Big chorus...singing in Russian...nuff said!

3rd Runner-Up:

The Raiders March (John Williams) - As far as pop culture is concerned, this may have about the same impact musically as Star Wars or Superman. I couldn't very well leave it forgotten.

4th Runner-Up:

The 13th Warrior (particularly as represented by the track "Old Baghdad") (Jerry Goldsmith) - Brad already said enough about the Horns in his last list, so I'll leave it at that!

5th Runner-Up:

Batman (Danny Elfman) - The dark, evil cousin to the Superman march is exciting, brooding and bombastic. I adore most of Elfman's superhero themes (what the hell, he's done about three-fourths of them anyway), and this one is still the best. Unfortunately, I adore my top 10 even more so. But I couldn't very well leave this unmentioned. It should be illegal somehow that he's not doing Spiderman 3.

Honorable Mentions:

Rudy (Jerry Goldsmith) - What was it about this story that must have touched Jerry so deeply as to write such a moving theme? If I'm not mistaken, this one had some of the orchestral members misty-eyed after playing it, yes?! It's easy to see why...it picks at the heartstrings so very deeply.

The Imperial March (from The Empire Strikes Back) (John Williams) - One might argue that this is in fact the main theme of the film. In fact, I will, this is the Main Theme for The Empire Strikes Back. Sure, the main Main Theme is ever present, but given the context of the story, and the fact that this theme shows up more in this chapter than the other five combined, makes for a compelling argument that this is the central musical motif.

Lawrence of Arabia (Maurice Jarre) - You can blame Monsieur Jarre for setting the standard for which every desert or Arabic motif from nearly every film since is based. Unfortunately for everyone else...his is, and always will be the grandest. This theme is sweepingly epic like just about no other. Unfortunately for Jarre, this is one of his 3 scores that all of his other scores sound like. But it all basically started here.

Stargate (David Arnold) - Back to the desert, just on a different world. And it shows as Arnold's theme (and really entire score) are one of the few of this genre that don't sound like a Lawrence of Arabia rip-off. Oddly, I think it's a pretty safe statement to say that this is Arnold's best theme and score - helluva way to start seeing as how it was his first major one. If Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich really are going to do a second and third film as they've hinted at as of late, I hope they can bury the hatchet with Arnold and get him back to score them.

P.S. Once again, bonus points for the title...Name That Movie!!!

That is all.

"Oh, I Like A Lotta Lumps...Eeeeeechh!!!"

So anyway, I was thinking of something that struck me as particularly funny, so I'll share with the rest of the class. Wouldn't it be great if there was a parody of the scene from Batman when Jack's in the plastic surgeons office after the big plunge. You know the one where he's in the dark and says, "Mirror...MIRROR!!!". Only in the parody you see a guy sitting in a chair in the dark kind of twitching a bit. Instead of demanding a mirror he says, "Coffee...COFFEE!!!". So the guy hands him a cup and he takes a sip with a long, drawn out slurpy sound. Then just like in Batman he starts laughing manically and the doctor starts to panic, even saying roughly the same line, "You see vat I haf to vork vith hier?". Cut to the coffee machine in the corner...it's smoking and shaking, and sparks are blazing out...the things basically about to explode. The guy in the dark continues laughing hysterically and throws the mug against the wall smashing it into a thousand pieces. He charges up the stairs, still laughing and the camera pans over next to the coffee maker where we see a jar of generic brand coffee with "DECAF" in big bold letters printed on the jar.

I don't know why, but to me...that's good funny!

P.S. 50 bonus Brownie points to anyone who gets the title reference!

That is all.

The Best Nineteen Minutes Ever

So anyway, a long time ago in a posting far, far away we discussed our top ten pieces of music that we couldn't live without. You know, the whole if I were stuck on an island and I could only have...yada, yada, yada. Anyway, I thought I'd throw a new one out there for any and everyone who'd like to contribute:

Name your top 10 favorite individual cues/tracks ever.

"Gee, thanks Mike, that's not going to be challenging or anything". You know, these are the ones that you repeat ad infinitum every time you play the CD (assuming said cue even has a recording available). This doesn't necessarily have to be what you'd pick for the top ten greatest individual cues ever recorded for film, just your ten personal favorites. Of course, one might correlate one's ten favorite cues/tracks as being the best ever, but in this case, that doesn't necessarily have to be the the case. You don't really need to explain your reasoning for every choice unless you want to (I know I'm not). One rule, stick to actual timed cues as much as possible (this can be difficult when dealing with music from the MV guys, I know), we'll discuss Main Themes in my next posting...and then, a real treat (hint: break out your CD's).

So without further ado, here we go:

10: Stealing the Enterprise - Star Trek III (James Horner) - I know, III isn't exactly a fan favorite, but I really love this cue. It takes most of the best elements from II and cranks them way up (better recording too).

9: The Mutant - Total Recall (Jerry Goldsmith) - I've spent hours trying to pick this out at the piano and have yet to get my brain around it.

8: The Ludlows - Legends of the Fall (James Horner) - Ok, so this is essentially a thematic suite timed to the film, but it's still gorgeous.

7: Theology/Civilization - Conan the Barbarian (Basil Poledouris)

6: Adagio and Transfiguration - Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (Elliot Goldenthal)

5: I Could Have Done More - Schindler's List (John Williams) - I still get misty when I hear this...and put it to the film, fuggedaboudit - total waterworks.

4: The Last Giant Piece - The Iron Giant (Michael Kamen) - Goosebumps by the end, all one minute of it...seriously!

3: Wifeing - Conan the Barbarian (Basil Poledouris)

2: The Hand of Fate, Pt. II - Signs (James Newton Howard) - This cue alone was worth the Best Score Oscar...combine it with the rest of the score and... (what were they thinking that year?).

and......

1: The Battle of Hoth/The Asteroid Field - The Empire Strikes Back (John Williams) - Ok, so let's be honest...regardless of how many different ways this has been broken up in the various iterations of the soundtrack album (the original double LP/CD had it in five parts, spread out all over the album, I think), it's still essentially one cue. A hefty 19 minute cue, but one cue nonetheless. Sure the Asteroid Field portion was recorded separately, but in the film, there's no break...so it's one cue, one damned fine cue, maybe one of the best ever composed for film...period.

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!

So anyway, how's about a two for one sale today. I know that's (the title, that is) a bit of a paranoid alarmist statement, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little concerned about affairs around the world at the moment. I'm sure that the grandparents of people my age expected World War III a long time ago. And as for my generation, I think most of them figured they could just put the war-mongers of the world in time-out before anything serious happened. Honestly I was hoping never to see a major global conflict in my lifetime...but as things are currently shaping up, I'm not so sure that's going to happen. I wonder if any pools have been started as to when this will bust out into all out war? I'm not entirely up on my Middle Eastern politics, but I'm assuming that these Hezbollah rebels that took the Israelis are based out of Beirut...and that's why Israel is seeing fit to lay the holy smack down on Lebanon.

The word for the day boys and girls is escalation...can you say escalation? This is just going to get worse, I can feel it. The trick will be to see just who will get involved over the next few days and weeks. I can't help but think Egypt may actually have enough collective sense to stay out of it at all costs, lest them silly Jews smack'em 'round like bitches again. The Iraqis are currently too busy slaughtering themselves right now to get in on the action. The Iranians, I would imagine, are now really in a rush to get "the bomb". The Saudis will probably stay out of it or risk losing all that oil moolah from the U.S. And as for Syria, Jordan, and Libya, only Allah knows what they're up too!

I don't know. I'm something of an incurable optimist so I'm hoping this will end swiftly and quasi-peacefully. But I'm also a cynic, which means my realist tendencies are trampling all over my positive Chi and telling me that I have a very bad feeling about this.

Thoughts?

That is all.

Practical Physics

So anyway, something funny happened to me the other day. I was coming out to my car from work thinking my week couldn't possibly get any shittier. Alas, the Lord had greater plans for my day. I park in a garage across the street from the building I work in, and, like most downtown parking garages, it's poorly lit so I couldn't see the, ahem, problem from outside the car. I get in and a glimmer catches my eye. On the dashboard is a fragment of orange plastic. If you were me, about that time you'd likely be saying, "What the fuck?!?!". I toss it away only to see a spray of little orange remnants all over the dash, console and passenger seat. Again..."What the FUCK?!?!". It seems that at some point prior in the week, my mother left a cigarette lighter on the dash of my car. Said lighter, after an afternoon in the sun, became pressurized or heated (or likely both) and exploded all over the front of my car. The force of said explosion combined with projecting the one metallic component of the lighter (the top) CRACKED MY FUCKING WINDSHIELD!!!

Actually, it is really pretty funny...I mean come on, what are the odds?! I suppose I should just be glad I wasn't in the car when it happened. As it turns out, the force of the blast was powerful enough to wedge a couple of pieces of plastic between the glass and the interior portion of the windshield frame directly in front of me. I swear, I'm always fixing something on that goddamned car!

So...who wants to blow up some more shit? (I do, I do!!!)

That is all.

Ignorance is Bliss

So anyway, he did it again. I'm actually kind of bitter really because it seems like anymore the only time I have something to blog on is when Dubya does or says something completely stupid. Case in point...go here. It seems yesterday in an interview with Larry King, Fearless Leader stated that he would "...rather be...correct, rather than being popular". Ignoring the alert for the redundancy police (how many times can a person say rather in a single sentence?), that may be the single most mindless bit of rhetoric I've heard...ever.

This of course comes in the wake of the most awful public approval ratings of his stint in orifice (that was intended, btw). While it's true that history has occasionally shown that doing an unpopular thing (Hiroshima, or turning that "ugly duckling" into the prom queen on a bet, for instance) was still likely the right thing to do, more often than not being so despised by a full majority of your people (even some of the ones that voted for you) is usually a good indication that you are, in fact, not doing something right. Mutinies and military coups (sp?) start this way you know!

Currently, his approval rating is sitting at or just below 30%. Roughly translated, that means that about 50% of the people in this country think that Bush could fuck-up wiping his own ass. While another 20% or so believe he could manage it as long as Cheney was gentle in removing his fist. The remaining 30% don't believe his shit stinks to begin with (many of these are likely the same type of people who would like to see cow tipping added as an Olympic event and find nothing wrong with marrying your cousin/sister/mother so long as she's purdy and puts out). Luckily for him (not so much for the rest of the world) he has some of the best (or perhaps worst, depending on your point of view) spin doctors money can buy making it look like an Iraqi Al-Qaida cell was attempting to hide WMD's in the President's ass thereby preventing the toilet paper from making good, solid contact. On a side note, remember the one about the American Indian trying to buy toilet paper from the General Store...you know, where he gets the cheap stuff and brings it back saying "This'm toilet paper like John Wayne...it rough and tough and don't take'm no damn shit off'm any Indians!". Anyway...

Just venting a little...so what does everyone else think?

Smooth Move Ex-Lax!

So anyway, in the spirit of Lewis Black's now famous (or perhaps infamous, depending on which side of the fence you hang out on) rants on Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney - for those that are unfamiliar, his idea is that just saying their names is enough to induce a good belly laugh, one need not actually tell a "joke" on the subject - I give you:

George W. Bush.

Why, you may ask?! Well as no doubt the entire world (free or otherwise) has heard by now, our fearless leader, at an outdoor press conference two days ago, mocked a reporter for wearing his "shades" (as he so eloquently put it) to the event. Unbeknownst to the great one but now knownst to everyone everywhere (come on...please say somebody gets that!), said eyewear donning reporter has a degenerative optical condition that has rendered him...wait for it...LEGALLY FUCKING BLIND!!!

In the immortal words of Mr. Slave..."OH, JESUTH CHRISTH!!!"

I'd like to take this moment to hold my head down in shame on behalf of everyone in this country!

You can find the original CNN.com story here. At this point, I've nothing left to say. He finally did it...he finally did something so fucking dumb that it rendered me speechless.

Thoughts?!

That is all.

Hooray For Our Side!!!

So anyway, I was just wondering, is anyone else as ecstatic about this as I am?! I've been following this for a while now and I say it's about fucking time!!! Thoughts?!?!

That is all.

(Horrible) Thought For The Day, Part Deux

So anyway, had another interesting thought I'd share with everyone. Have you ever looked at your boss and wondered if they've (in my case, "she's") ever taken it up the keester. Let me be clear in disclaiming that I mean this in no sexual connotation whatsoever. I'm relatively sure my boss has, seeing as how A: Her ass is exceptionally large and disproportionate to the remainder of her body. She flaunts it proudly, almost patriotically, in pants that are always at least one size too small...and B: Even though she's a woman, I'm almost certain that she has a penis...ergo, she wouldn't have another hole to put it anyway.

Yes, she's that kind of ugly. You know, the kind that makes you have a serious philosophical debate with yourself as to just what gender said person is. I like to imagine that there are no mirrors in her world. Not because she's a vampire, but rather because her reflection could destroy the fabric of space and time.

The really icky part...she has four children. Some poor schlub actually put his penis in her...four times!!!

Ewwww......

that is all.

Didn't Your Mother Ever Teach You To Share?

UPDATED!!!

So anyway, I just discovered something interesting the other day and I thought I'd share with everyone. If you sign yourself up at MySpace.com as a musician they allow you to post up to four "songs" from your "band". I personally have the gayest "band" name in the world...Michael Shehan. Can't you just hear the record companies beating down my door to sign up Michael Shehan? Fuck American Idol, Michael Shehan is going to be the next pop sensation!!! Sure, and I'm going to grow a second asshole on my elbow to help get the bullshit out of my system that much quicker!!! Anyway, don't sign-up at the main page, go to the "Musicians" tab near the top of the page. Oh, and posting a picture of yourself is a lot fucking easier than here too!

Question is...now what the hell do I put out there for the world to hear?!

Well...I'm on. For the moment I've posted the "Shyamalan-esque" demo piece, the closing credits to the wine show, and a little electronica thing I did for an animatic demo in a gun safety vid. Still not sure whether or not I should post the trombone trio. Brad and I cleaned up the recording quite a bit, but while I'm extremely proud of the piece, I'm still a little underwhelmed by the performance. Maybe I'll put it up and let you all decide whether to keep it there. By the way, just as a reminder, you can find me as Michael Shehan.

(Horrible) Thought for the Day

So anyway, I was thinking (I don't know why really)...there's nothing in the world that is quite so totally hillarious and simultaneously equally completely horrifying as watching two retarded people fucking. At least nothing I can think of, and I've (obviously) thought of some really odd shit. Not that I've ever seen it personally, but I can imagine...how unfortunate.

That is all.

You Can Do It!!!

“The reports of my assimilation have been greatly exaggerated.”

So anyway, yeah, I’m still alive. I know I haven’t had a new post for a while, but aside from all the Monkey love I’ve been getting lately (my God they grow up fast) life’s been kind of in the suck zone. But…I’m not here to bitch today.

I saw an interesting poll on CNN.com yesterday. It asked simply “Can American consumers affect the price of gasoline?”. To my amazement, the results were split 50/50. Not to begrudge anyone their right to their own thoughts and opinions but believing that we as consumers can have any affect on what the major oil companies of this country charge for their product, particularly with the current Presidential administration in office, is naïve at best. Stop me if you’ve heard this one: “YOU CAN CHANGE THE PRICE OF GAS TODAY. On 'so and so' date, all Americans should boycott buying gas for one whole day…yadda, yadda, yadda…”. There is absolutely nothing that we as common citizens can do to lower gas prices…zip, nada, zilch, zero, diddly-squat. The only thing that will change gas prices is to find an alternative non-fossil-fuel based energy source.

Not to sound like a conspiracy nut, but even if cold-fusion or hydrogen-fusion based technologies existed today, and worked, does anyone honestly believe the public will ever hear anything about it so long as Big Oil continues to make billions (maybe even trillions) of dollars in revenue yearly. You can say “no” now.

American consumers will never be able to affect gas prices for one simple reason: materialistic American Capitalist Pig human nature. The idea of a national boycott would never ever work because you could never get everyone to do it. Think of the millions of people who wouldn’t do it simply because they’ve got to get to work in the morning. Then add on the shipping industry, then the public transportation departments, then the private transportation industry (airlines), and then just for flavor the extremists who don’t believe there’s really a problem anyway (what the fuck is wrong with some people, really?). That’s thousands, perhaps millions of combustion engine vehicles filling up daily. Then there’s fearless leader who was an oil baron before he became PODUS, and will continue to be one once he’s out of office (how can someone so inherently stupid make so much money?). Anyway, that’s my two cents.

On a positive note, I may have a miniscule bit of a gig in the works. My guy Rich who’s found me what little work I have had has just finished doing sound for a group that’s producing a 30-minute T.V. show about cars…you know, the kind you see on Spike or TLC or something. Anyway, they’re making a 3 or 4 minute sales spot to market it with and they want music for it. Enter, the Pikey. Yea!!! Keep ye olde fingers crossed and hope they’ll let me do it.

that is all...

Shameless

- INSERT TERRORIST JOKE HERE -

:)

that is all.

I Need More Internet Friends

"I'm a very lonely man!"

that is all.

DAMN DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN....DAAAAAAAMN!

So anyway, some sad news that is (in my opinion anyway) something akin to hearing that Big John just died. Apparently (according to Soundtrack.net via Gorfaine/Schwartz) Hans (The Destroyer of Worlds) Zimmer has been tapped to score The Simpsons feature film due in 2008.

"YOU MANIACS...YOU BLEW IT ALL UP...OH DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!"

that is all.

Sigh!!!

So anyway, guess it's a good thing I haven't bought the tickets for Grendel in June because it looks like we're not going after all. It's not that we can't swing the ticket prices, or the cost of a car rental for 3 days and 4 nights. It's not that we couldn't get a place to stay, or afford a little light dining and entertainment while we were there. It's the $500+ for 2 round-trip airline tickets that's destroying my dream. At what point does life cease being a seemingly endless series of disappointments and finally start getting good? At least I have my Monkey. Oh what I wouldn't give just to be able to eat a can of beans and some hot salsa and just fart us to the west coast for a few days. If life was a cartoon, I'd have found some hair-brained scheme to try and make it work. But then, if life was a cartoon, said hair-brained scheme would likely have just resulted in large quantities of my personal property blowing up in a puff of purple smoke or something.

I think what I'm really regretting is losing the opportunity for Mrs. The Pikey to get all dolled up for a night on the town. I say that because in the 9 years (as of last Saturday) that we've been together, she's worn a dress all of maybe 6 times (including the big white one!). My wife has great legs, and I just don't get too many opportunities to see them all snazzy-like and what not! Don't get me wrong, I love the missus more than anything. And I think she's the most gorgeous woman on earth (really - Paul Newman said it best when he said "Why go out for hamburger when I've got steak at home"), but when it comes to being, well...a girl, she's just about clueless. She doesn't like shopping, or shoes, or clothes, or make-up, or fashionable hair styles or anything else that women are usually in to. She does like T.V. shows about the old frontier days (i.e. Little House, etc.) and movies in 19th century England (Jane Austin, the Bronte's, etc). I wonder what that means? Oh well...

SIGH.....

On the plus side of things...the Monkey now officially has...a tooth! YEA!!! Well, more or less anyway. It's just under the skin of his gums. You can feel it plain as day - sharp little bugger! Now at least I can see what he's been bitching about for the last month or so! Now if I can just get that ever elusive "Da-Da" out of him...I suppose I could die happy (or at least mostly so)! So what the hell is this posting really about? No clue! However, in the unlikely event I do make it to heaven, you think the good Lord will see fit to not allow my wife to wear pants for all eternity?

Boredom Part Deux, A Game

So, anyway, given my propensity for extreme bouts of boredom, and given that our little sewing circle here fancies itself a bunch of film-philes, I offer…a game.



Below you’ll find 10 quotes, one-liners, or short scenes from films. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to identify said films based on the dialogue. Bonus points will be given to those who can identify the character names, which have been omitted for difficulty, involved therein. Double bonus will be given (in the extremely unlikely event) for any corrections to the dialogue in question. In most cases, characters will me reduced to things like “man #1” or “woman #2”. If said character has a title, and said title doesn’t reveal too much about the aforementioned character, that title will be used (e.g. “Dr.” or “Queen”, etc.). You may not use any web material for solutions (aside from asking each other for help that is). Only the contents of your own mind, or shared knowledge from the group, are acceptable. I know that’s a hard rule to enforce, but in the spirit of fun and fairness, please adhere to it – call it an honor system. The person with the highest score after a week, or the first person to complete the game will (or may) restart the game with their own quotes in their own category, but must adhere to the previously stated rules.

For this game, the category is: Comedies. One of them isn’t a comedy per se, but has a hell of a lot of great one-liners. I’ll ‘give’ you the first one as a throwaway:


1.

Man #1: “Sir, are we being too literal?”

Man #2: “No you fool, we were told to comb the desert, so we’re combing it. FOUND ANYTHING YET?!?!"

Man #3: “Nothing yet, sir!!!”

Man #2: “HOW ‘BOUT YOU, YOU FIND ANYTHING YET?!”

Man #4: “Not a thing, SIR!!!”

Man #2: “OK, HOW ABOUT YOU GUYS?!”

Man #5: “WE AIN’T FOUND SHIT!!!”

2.

Dr. Flamont: “Now go my son. If they catch you here, your life will be worth less than a truck-load of dead rats in a tampon factory!”.

3.

Mrs. Bickerman: “You know, if I had a dick, this is where I’d tell you to suck it!”

4.

Ronnie Cammareri: “I don’t care…I ain’t no freakin’ monument to justice! I LOST MY HAND! I LOST MY BRIDE! JOHNNY HAS HIS HAND; JOHNNY HAS HIS BRIDE! YOU WANT ME TO TAKE MY HEARTACHE, PUT IT AWAY AND FORGET?!?!?!”

5.

Del: “You play with your balls a lot!”
Neal: “I DO NOT!”
Del: “Larry Bird doesn’t do as much ball handling in one night as you do in an hour!”
Neal: “Are you trying to start a fight?”
Del: “NO! I’m simply stating a fact, that's all; you fidget with your nuts a lot!”
Neal: “You know what would be nice…”
Del: “Another pair of balls and an extra set of fingers - HA HA HA HA!?”

6.

Cerrano: “I’m pissed off now Jobu! Look, I’m good to you…I stick up for you. But you no help me now…I say fuck you Jobu! I do it myself!”

7.

Garland: “He’s a font of misplaced rage. Name your cliché: ‘Mother held him too much...or not enough. Last picked at kickball. Late night sneaky uncle’ or whatever. Now, moments of levity actually cause him pain…gives him headaches. Happiness for that gentleman hurts.”
Cameron: “What the hell’s wrong with him, man?!”
Baby-O: “My first guess would be…a lot!!!”

8.

Lt.: “Alright, goddammit, for the last time, was there, or wasn’t there a woman?!”
Dave: “Are you serious?!”
Lt.: “Yes, dammit, I’m serious!!!”
Dave: “Fuzzy-Wuzzy was a woman?!”
Lt.: “What the hell is he talkin’ about?!”
Wally: “He’s gotta read your lips; you’re talkin’ too fast!”
Lt.: “Ok, fine! Was…there…or…was-n’t…there…a…woh-man…pres…ent?!”
Dave: “Yes…there…was…a…wo…man…pre…sent.”
Lt.: “Why the hell’s he talkin’ like that?!”
Wally: “Be…cause…he’s…deaf-ff…not…stooo…pidd!!!”

9.

Frau: “Vould you care for some braaandy, before I say goodnight?”
Dr.: “No…thank you.”
Frau: “Some varm miiillk……perhapsssss.”
Dr.: “NO! Thank you! I’m fine!”
Frau: “…OVALTINE!!!”
Dr.: “NOTHING!!! …I’m a little tired, I would like to go to bed.”
Frau: “Zen I vill say…Goodnight.”
Dr.: “GOODNIGHT….”

10.

Earl: “Dammit now you’re never gonna find a good woman unless she meets the stupid qualifications of that Debbie Lynn Dexter…”
Val: “TAMMY…SUE…BAXTER…!!!”
Earl: “Oh, whatever!!! They’re all the same…dead weight! ‘Ooh, look…I broke a nail'…ugh, makes my skin crawl!”
Val: “Well what can I say, I’m a victim of circumstance!”
Earl: “I thought you called it your pecker!!!”

I Need A New Hobby!

So anyway, as a bit of an addendum to the commentary on Vogler's John Williams birthday celebration from the other day, I've discovered this morning (thanks to Brad's weblink) that of the 101 films in his filmography, I have 79 on CD. Of the remaining 22, only 9 have ever seen any kind of CD release (and all but 4 of those are bootlegs). The Poseidon Adventure from FSM also contains tracks from Conrack and The Paper Chase (that makes three of the four). The fourth as I recently discovered is a Varese release of his Tom Sawyer adaptation that, surprisingly enough, is still available! I have everything (in one form - ahem *puts on guilty face*- or another) from about 1976 on up.

I need help...really! I've actually justified (in my mind) having to shell out the $100+ (each) it's going to cost me to get a copy of Poseidon and a legit copy for FSM's Towering Inferno. The rest I'll get eventually. It's like crack. I have to have them ("I got these cheeseburgers maaan!"). I believe Brad once made a referrence to collecting CD's like bottlecaps. That's me! Call me Bottlecap Boy! I've thought about taking up archery. The trouble would be avoiding the temptation to actually shoot somebody! Oh, and it's pricey (a good starter bow costs upwards of $350 - then there's targets...live ones are free, but the man tends to frown on that sort of thing, hehe - arrows, tips, miscellaneous supplies).

So um...yeah! I need a new hobby, something cheaper preferrably. Any suggestions!?!?(masturbation is not a hobby - it could I suppose be a contact sport...but I haven't got the knees for contact sports anymore!).

The Chuck Norris Fact...O'The Day

And now for the Chuck Norris Fact......O'The Day:

For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

And now for a REALLY touchy subject...

So anyway, as those from this area are no doubt aware, a temporary stay of execution has been granted for Michael Taylor, one of the men convicted of raping and murdering Ann Harrison in 1989. For those not familiar with the case (it made national news, but it was 17 years ago after all) Ann was a 15 year-old girl kidnapped from her bus stop by Taylor and friend Roderick Nunley. They then proceeded to take her to a house and basically torture her for 90 or so minutes finally stabbing her to death (unofficial accounts say she was stabbed over 40 times). Her body was left in the trunk of the stolen car they abducted her in and found three days later. This hits particularly close to home for me because Ann went to my high school. Her house at the time was about a mile from mine. Hell, one of my groomsmen dated her little sister for three years. I can still see the memorial garden in the courtyard of our high school in my mind. My mom, like half of those in the school district, wouldn’t let me ride the bus in the mornings for weeks.

Taylor’s parents (understandably, I suppose) have been making a pretty big push to get him out of his sentence. They’re primary argument is that he and Nunley were strung out on crack at the time and, as a result of that and other circumstances, didn’t realize what they were doing. On top of all that, they’re playing the race card as well saying that Taylor being black and Ann being white factored highly in his sentencing. Bullshit. Honestly, I don’t care. I have to say, and I know that this isn’t a “popular” opinion right now, that I think they deserve to die, horribly at that (there’s a famous Samuel L. Jackson line coming to mind right now…you guess!). There’s a big debate nationwide lately as to whether or not lethal injections are inhumane. Fuck that…these two guys deserve to have their balls stuffed down their throats until they suffocate. They both confessed to the crime (indicating the other as the ‘killer’ naturally). They both plead guilty in court. Sitting in a 5’X 8’ prison cell for the remainder of their days just isn’t good enough. Ann Harrison, by Taylor’s own confession, begged for them to stop raping her. She begged for them to stop beating her, and mutilating her. She begged for her life, and they did what they did anyway. DIE…that’s it. That’s all there is to it. You, Michael Taylor, deserve to die, as does your pal Nunley. You are a waste of skin and space. I know killing you won’t bring her back. It won’t undo what was done, it probably won’t truly give Ann’s parents a piece of mind…but what else is there to do.

The death penalty is one colossal can of worms. Here’s my viewpoint on the subject. Personally, I’m completely for it, with stipulations. Chiefly among those that there be absolutely no uncertainty whatsoever that the person being put to death is guilty of the crime for which they are being punished. I think in the end, the decision should involve the family of the victim. If the parents of a murdered child would prefer that their child’s killer spend the rest of his/her days in a concrete box, that should be their prerogative. I think the method of execution should match the crime. I think that capital punishment should be extended to include sexual predators and all crimes against children. Giving a child rapist and murderer a shot like some old dog is a ridiculous concept to the most spectacular degree. If the government is going to keep a criminal like this on death row for an extended period awaiting their fate, then that period should include a life of pain rivaled only by the darkest circles of hell. Their death should be as terrible and terror inducing as can be thought of. What can I say…I’m a sadist!

There are a million arguments about what justice is or isn’t. I’m not here to debate any of that today. I’m just getting a little anger off my chest really. I know that everyone is entitled to their opinion, and that every death row inmate is someone else’s son, or daughter, or father, or mother, etc. But in a case like this I can’t help but be completely incensed that someone out there thinks that these animals deserve better. I’m a father now. I know I’d never stop loving my son, even if (God forbid) he committed an atrocity like this. But in the end, I think I’d probably accept his fate and never stop cursing myself for whatever horrible wrong I did him that put him into that position. I’d have to live the rest of my days believing that I in fact was the one who did something wrong. And I honestly don't know if I could deny a victim's family their peace of mind.

Given my latest postings, one might be led to believe that I’m a very angry person. I’m not…really!!! I just keep running into stories like this that put me in the bad place. So please, somebody, give me some good news to get excited about…for the love of God, PLEASE!!!

What?! NO 'FISH'?!?!

So anyway, thought I'd throw a couple of cents into the Oscar pot.

The mad-dog-crazy Johnny fan in me thinks he'll bring home number six, but the cynic in me knows that "Music for Fudge-Packing Ranch Hands" will likely win. But, never underestimate the Academy members' ability to surprise you, case in point: Elliot Goldenthal for Frida!

I love Goldenthal, he's my, well...fourth favorite composer (behind Big John, Jerry, and Basil P.). But I wouldn't say that Frida represents a landmark acheivment in his career. If anything, Final Fantasy is, arguably of course, his best score.And of course it got completely snubbed because of the overwhelmingly horrid response to the movie. Frida was, like so many winners anymore, more of a "Sorry your little movie isn't going to win any big awards, so here take this one" award. With luck though, that may happen for Johnny and Memoirs.

I'm really kind of bent about Revenge of the Sith being snubbed for the FX award. I loved Kong, thought WETA did a slam-bang job, but overall, I still think Sith had the better work (and that's not just the Star Wars geek in me talking - mostly).

And now for something I'm really pissed about. Firstly, I must have missed a press release or something because I didn't know the Best Song category was being bumped down to 3 this year. That in and of itself isn't a big deal. But in my humble opinion, "So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish" from Hitchhiker's Guide is/was clearly the most interesting and original song this year, and perhaps in the last several. Besides being laugh-out-loud funny, it was really damn good. It just sucks that poor response for a film can ruin it's chances for just about any award. At the very least, they could've nominated it and then snubbed it for some crap Phil Collins song or something!

And Now From the "So Cute You Could Puke!" File

I doubt anyone really cares. But what the hell I can't help myself!

The Chuck Norris Fact O'The Day

And now for the Chuck Norris fact......O'The Day:


Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "Who has the most balls?" contest and won by 5!

A Rant (Parental Advisory: Explicit Content)

So anyway, I just want to vent for a moment, if I may. You know what the true definition of a worthless cocksucker is? It’s one of these swindler, lowlife, complete waste of skin motherfucker lawyers who specializes in getting other lowlife waste of skin motherfuckers (with lead feet, no less) their driver’s licenses back. You hear their ad’s on the radio all the time. One, off the top of my head, some local ass clown named Jeff Jarrett (sp?), even has a fucking jingle (his numbers 342-EASY – should anyone want to harass his office for being the asshole enablers that they are). You get this 30-second spot of airtime where they tout being able to fix everything from speeding violators to D.U.I.’s. How is this even legal?!?! If some jackass gets his card ripped for drunk driving, serves him right. He’s a menace. He made the decision to steer a ton of steel, plastic and rubber into traffic while intoxicated. And while we’re on the subject, I’m of the opinion that the psychotic “I can’t drive 155” dickhead is any better. People who adamantly refuse to drive any less than 20mph over the speed limit, deserve to have their car driven up their ass at 90. If you’re that goddamned late all the time, start leaving earlier fucker! So who the hell is some scheister pigfucker lawyer to get these people their license back? Hey buddy, you fucked up, tough shit, take the bus for the rest of your days you inconsiderate prick! And you, the buttpirate with the law degree, try putting it to some real use like putting criminal in jail. I can’t help but hope there’s a special circle of hell for “attorneys” that specialize in this kind of bullshit. And now that I dwell on it for a minute, I’m not sure who’s worse - the lawyer cocksuckers, the menace-to-society-shouldn’t-be-allowed-to-operate-a-weedwacker-unsupervised drunk cocksuckers, or the radio stations that accept their money for airtime cocksuckers.

Anyway…I feel better now!

Chuck Norris Fact O'The Day

And now, the Chuck Norris Fact......O'The Day:


Chuck Norris is the only know mammal in history to have an opposable thumb...


...ON HIS PENIS!!!

Double Penetration

So anyway, The Pikey finally got to return to his happy place this past weekend…that’s right, I saw a movie. The Pikey is happy, the Pikey is muy muy happy! Actually, I saw two! Sunday afternoon, Sam and I finally caught the mighty Kong. I think Brad’s previous review basically sums up my thoughts on the thing as a whole, except to say that I have seen Naomi Watts in several other things (mmm…Mulholland Drive, lesbians, mmm…anyway) and indeed, she is truly an great talent. If anything though, I was a little underwhelmed by the casting overall. Talent only gets you so far in a film, and sometimes, a little shallowness needs to factor in in that it actually helps on occasion if the leads are pleasant to look at. Brody’s an excellent actor, but he’s a bit of a dork. Jack Black surprised me in his ability to pull off drama, but he’s still something of a troll. And Naomi is lovely, but she’s no Faye Raye, and she is definitely not Jessica Lange (who may have been one of the most gorgeous women in the world circa 1976 – the year of the first remake btw). But that’s a bit of a can of worms isn’t it? The ’76 remake was a shitbomb if ever there was one. The only thing it had going for it was Lange, and her mostly-neked-ness for a large portion of the middle act. This movie was too Hollywood not to have some serious Hollywood glam and star power in front of the cameras. I guess I just felt that they didn’t reconcile balancing that fine line between leads who are interesting because of how they look and fit the part physically, and leads who are interesting because of how good they perform and fit the part dramatically. I did however particularly enjoy Andy Serkis’ little role as the cook (particularly his, umm…exit). I’d forgotten (after being so used to hearing him as Gollum), how much of a deep baritone his natural speaking voice is – particularly with that thick Aussie/New Zealand accent. Anyway…

That’s not why I’m here today, today I really want to talk about what I saw Saturday…Munich. This is the second time Mr. Spielberg has had me leaving the theater thinking I’ve just witnessed something truly amazing, historic, and significant (the first being Schindler’s List). Spielberg the artist has never fared as well financially as Spielberg the childlike-storyteller, but that’s okay, overall I usually prefer the artist – those films are more satisfying dramatically. The usual players are back. Big John has crafted and eloquent and heart-wrenching score (even more so within the context of the film itself). It’s simultaneously subtle and dramatic – Jewish, but in a more modern sort of way, not rehashing anything really from Schindler’s List. Not having seen Memoirs of a Geisha, it’s hard to make a comparison as to which is better. If I were to go by soundtrack album alone, I’d lean towards Memoirs. It's likely the only thing keeping Johnny from Oscar gold this year is the horrible press Memoirs is getting. Janusz Kaminski is back behind the camera. Thankfully, only one over-exposed lens flare shows up (and in a neat sort of way, it’s actually just an accented reflection of the sunlight off of one of the main character’s glasses). Don’t get me wrong, Kaminski’s a hell of a D.P., but the glow thing got old three or four movies ago. Mike Kahn deserves at least an Oscar nom for his editing. Given the circumstances of the whirlwind shoot and postproduction period, it’s amazing he was able to make sense out of anything let alone cut the brilliant final presentation that is.

At the heart of Munich lie two points, or rather one point, and one question. The point being that evil usually begets evil, and the question is, “What is a terrorist?” It doesn't try to solve the problem, it just presents it, without reservation or judgement, and asks the viewer to decide. And it presents them in a way that is in no way pretentious, and avoids shoving them in your face or down your throat. It’s funny that the Israelis, whom in 1993 declared Spielberg a hero of the state for Schindler’s List, now just 12 years later are condemning him for being too “sympathetic” to the plight of the Palestinian terrorists. Equally funny is that the entire Arab community is lambasting him as well for “not getting the story right”! I think in most respects they're both full of shit. But appreciate for a moment if you will the irony in that hating an American movie about a shared event in recent history is something they both can finally agree upon. The film is, as is presented by the opening title card, ‘inspired’ by real events. In this case it’s a dramatization of the book Vengence, by George Jonas (which was previously dramatized about 20 years ago in the form of a bad made for T.V. two-night-er called Sword of Gideon). The book, which I’ve never read, is, according to the Arab Community (read: Black September – the terrorist cell in question) full of inaccuracies and downright lies…geez, go figure! The Israelis deny that any of it ever happened…geez…go figure! I can’t recall if Jonas was an actual member of the Mossad (sp?) involved in the retaliations, or if he just collected the information from (supposed) members involved and published it.

At any rate, as I said previously, both the Israelis and Arab community are full of it. If anything, this film severely chastises both sides for their actions. Black September kills the 11 hostages, Israel responds publicly by bombing several terrorist training camps. They respond secretly by forming assassination squads to take out key members of Black September. The terrorists respond to the Israeli response by bombing and killing Israeli diplomats and operatives. It goes back and forth. There’s no end in sight. Both sides feel justified in their actions. But…it’s taking its toll. How much retribution can a human soul handle…that’s the real question isn’t it? A review I read before seeing the film took issue with a particular scene towards the end of the film. In it, the main character Avner (Bana) is having sex with his wife whom he’s barely seen in two years. As they’re copulating, his mind keeps flashing to the final moments at the Munich Airport where the hostages were killed. Keep in mind he wasn’t there, he had no first hand knowledge of the events that took place, but being an agent of the Mossad (again, sp?), he was privy to all the reports of said events. In his mind, he sees everything go down, the botched rescue attempt, the assassination of the hostages, the killing of the terrorists. It drives him mad. He begins pounding all of his hate, his fear, his contempt, and outrage and despair into his wife…which she mistakes for passion. The reviewer essentially thought it was a silly and pointless scene, which to me says, he didn’t get it…at all! Avner’s mission is over. His team was to assassinate 11 high ranking men within Black September, one official for every Olympian. He got seven of them, losing three members of his own team in the process. Now he’s been released. But the task has consumed him. It’s all he can think of, and it’s all he is now. He had become what he was tasked to destroy, and now his life is a shell, full of paranoia, fear, rage, and regret. You’d think after all that this movie would be a bit of a downer, but at heart, it’s not really. If anything, it’s a call to those two warring communities to look at what they’ve become, and try to stop fighting and talk. I personally think it’s a futile request, but what the hell, Spielberg gave it a shot. Too bad they won't get it.

It’s kind of a shame really. Any other given year and Munich would be a shoe-in for Best Picture. For such a rush job, Spielberg really poured his heart and soul into this, much as he did for Schindler’s List. But as I recall, Schindler’s production was a tad on the quick side as well (excluding the fact that Spielberg admitted that it took almost 10 years to work up the nerve to film the thing). Maybe that’s when the man works best, under pressure. And it’s refreshing to see he didn’t pull any punches, and wasn’t afraid to leave his childlike sensibilities at home. Regrettably, this film likely won’t receive the acclaim it deserves. I’m sure Brokeback Mountain is fascinating. I think Ang Lee is a fantastic director, and Gyllenhaal is certainly developing some fine drama chops. I certainly have no qualms about its subject matter, and am looking forward to its release on DVD, but I can’t help but think it’s riding this West Coast/Hollywood PR Machine/Extreme Leftist/It’s Okay to be Gay Bandwagon. This of course means that Munich is going to be completely sodomized (pun intended) this year by the Academy – even though it’s probably one of the best films to come along in years.

Chuck Norris Fact O'The Day

And now the Chuck Norris Fact.....O'The Day:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a whole turtle and when he crapped it out it was six feet tall and knew karate!

Chuck Norris Fact O'The Day

And Now For the Chuck Norris Fact...O'The Day:


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will fuck you up!!!

Doppelgänger

So yeah...ok, there may be a slight resemblance!!!

Yes, I know, I'm sick...it's a disease, I need help!!!

Two Birds...One BIG Frickin' Stone!

So anyway, I may anger quite a few people with the following concept, but what the hell…I’ve got to say it. I propose that as a society, humanity as a whole should find some way of screening newborns for inherent genetic tendencies towards religious extremism, fanaticism, and/or evangelism (televangelism in particular), and euthanize them at birth. There…I’ve said it. That may seem overly fascist of me, but I can live with that. Through pure observation alone (I have no scientific evidence of this) I’ve come to believe that organized religion is going to be the downfall of humanity. Zealots, like most Republicans (one in the same – perhaps?!), are not stupid people. They do however tend to possess the biggest mouths and have an uncanny ability to get people (particularly those of lesser intelligence) to listen to them. Case in point, I give you Pat Robertson, whom yesterday proclaimed (on national TV no less) that God “smote” Ariel Sharon for pulling Israeli troops out of Gaza. The same Pat Robertson who just months prior suggested that the U.S. government assassinate Hugo Chavez for God! Smite can be a really fun topic. I love it when Lew Black makes reference to “smote”-ing. It’s funny. Guys like Robertson say it and the hairs on my neck stand up in fear!

Before I continue, let me clarify a few things. Firstly, I believe in God, or rather I tend to lean towards believing in the Judeo-Christian version of God. I believe Jesus Christ existed. I find calling him the Son of God a little trite and silly since I think we’re all essentially children of a higher being. I think he had a positive message and a pure heart, the ideals of which have been twisted and mangled for The Church’s bullshit political agenda for going on 2000 or so years now. I believe people need to believe in something. I think it’s healthy, if not necessary to believe that there’s something after this life. I do. I’d go completely crazy (instead of just mostly crazy like now) if I knew there wasn’t anything after this life. I like thinking that my father and grandmother are waiting for me in another plane of existence. And I certainly would never begrudge someone for believing in God, mine or their own.

But God is also a dangerous concept. It’s the oldest statistic known to man: More wars have been fought - more blood shed - in the name of God than any other thing in history – ever! A few months back, I read a “news” story online about an entire Christian parish from somewhere in Bumfuck, Kansas that felt inclined to drive to Oklahoma (I think – maybe it was Kentucky…I need to look it up again I guess) and protest at the funerals of two of our boys who were killed in action in Iraq because “God was punishing them for America’s acceptance of gays.”

What…

The…

Fuck!?!?!?

I’ve heard some insane shit in my time, but that was just incredible. This is America, we’re guaranteed by law the right to think as we please…but…

That brings me to my second ‘bird’ as it were. What is the point of blogging? I bring it up because Warrior-Bard's latest posting seems to demonstrate an individual in a mild crisis regarding this subject. I only know the guy by association (through Vogler), but I’ve been reading him regularly since he started his blog and I find him to be an interesting fellow who shares similar interests (that is, after all, how our little web-community found each other to begin with isn't it?!). If I were to offer a single critique of his blog, it’s that he seems far too concerned with everyone’s opinion of him and his thoughts. If anything, I’d say, enjoy the freedom. There’s a certain pleasure to be derived from anonymity (even between friends - at face value, that seems like an extreme contradiction, but I know what I mean, let's hope you do too!). My opinion is that your blog is what you make of it. If using your blog to write a 2000 page treatise on why midgets are the tools of the devil and should all be put to death, then that’s your prerogative. Granted you probably won’t win too many friends, but hey, maybe you’re not here to make them to begin with. Hell, this is all coming from a guy who wrote two large essays on the wonders of porn, and how contract killing sounded like a fulfilling profession.

So what’s my point in all of this? People can think what they want, but some should keep it to themselves. Blogging is a wonderful new outlet for venting, ranting and just generally getting your insane opinion into the open - do with it what you will. Don’t stress so much on what others think, you’re entitled to your thoughts. The extreme religious right should go to hell…

…and Pat Robertson is a tool. May the Lord smite him in his big, ignorant, self-important asshole!

Feel free to lay the smack on me as you see fit!