tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-135369032024-03-06T23:32:27.730-06:00"Well F**k Me Tommy...What Have You Been Readin'?!"<em>"...human sacrifices! Dogs and cats - living together...MASS HYSTERIA!!!"</em>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.comBlogger158125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-53459440220128548882010-10-12T10:20:00.002-05:002010-10-12T10:29:15.362-05:00Oh For Christ's Sake...Another Goddamned List?! Enough Already!!!<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">So anyway, the missus and I had an interesting (well, to me anyway) conversation the other day. We were arguing about what to watch on TV. Well, not so much arguing as debating…vigorously. We have upwards of 700+ DVD’s in our collection and sometimes picking one is…difficult. Sam argued that we have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">way</i> too many movies and we’ve probably only watched most of them once or twice. I countered that I had likely watched all of the movies in our collection that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">I</i> actually like at least three or more times. That’s when it dawned on the both of us that A: we actually have a much more differing taste in movies than we ever thought, and B: after almost 14 years together, neither of us <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">really</i> has a good inkling of what the other’s absolute favorite movies even are. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">I know what kinds of movies I like. And I know what kinds of movies she likes. I’ve commented before that my absolute favorite movie is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">The Empire Strikes Back</i> while <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Schindler’s</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">List</i> is the best film I’ve ever seen. I already made my personal distinctions between movies and films in a previous post – I’m not going to get into it again here except to say that I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">do </i>consider <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Empire</i> a film as well (it also has that fun popcorn quality that let’s me justify calling it a mere “movie” too). I have no earthly idea what my wife’s favorite movie ever is. That might seem shocking if not for the fact that I doubt she has a fucking clue what it is either! Sam is a girl out of time. If she had her druthers (whatever the fuck a druther is?) I would imagine she would be most at home living either in the aristocracy of Victorian England, or as a one of the Ingalls’ children in that Little House out on that fucking prairie. I know she lives for Jane Austen and the sisters Bronte. If I were to hazard a guess, I’d wager that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Sense and Sensibility</i> is her favorite movie (the one with Keira Knightly). But who’s to say for sure when even <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">she</i> doesn’t fucking know!!!</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">So here I am…again. Back to plague you guys with another list (go ahead – start cursing my name and whatever else about me you want to insult…I’ll wait). Done? Good…let’s continue. This all made me curious as to just what <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">were</i> my favorite movies. I’ve always had an inkling of an idea – I’d just never put any kind of organization to it before. If I had to pare down my video store of a DVD collection to a select few, say 10 or a little more, what would they be? So, after some extended reflection, here it is…my favorite movies…ever. The ones I don’t think I’d ever like to be without. The “deserted island” list, if you will. These are the movies that, should I encounter them randomly on television, I’ll stop whatever I’m doing and watch them, regardless of where they are in the film. I’m sure you’ve already uttered several insulting iterations of fuck towards me, and my family…and my entire lineage for that matter, because of this. But please, don’t feel obligated to come up with your own list this time (unless you just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">really</i> want to), I’m just doing this for me really. I’ll include the film, the year it came out, the director and primary cast members – just in case you aren’t familiar or whatever. So…in no particular order:</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><o:p> </o:p></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><u>The Empire Strikes Back</u> – </i>(1980; dir. Irvin Kershner; Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher; composer – John Williams)</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I’d be remiss if I didn’t include the composers of said films in this list. After all what kind of film music nut/second-rate third-rate wannabe film composer do you take me for? So…yeah, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Empire</i>. What’s to be said about this that hasn’t been already? It’s arguably the finest sequel/second act ever produced – in any medium. It’s possible there’s just too much to love in this film.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><o:p> </o:p><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><u>Schindler’s List</u> – </i>(1993; dir. Steven Spielberg; Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, Ben Kingsley; composer – John Williams)</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I’m of the opinion that this is arguably the most well-crafted, haunting film ever made. That’s just my opinion, I could be wrong. I saw this in the theater twice. Both viewings left me shaken (and bawling like a wee girl). And I honestly felt like something had been stirred in my soul. If that’s melodramatic, well…sorry, it is what it is and that’s just how I feel about it. It still makes me cry to watch, especially the last 10 minutes or so. And the music (particularly the main theme) is one of the few pieces I’ve ever heard to illicit a tearful emotional response from me. Don’t know if that means anything to anyone else, but to me it’s a lot.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><o:p> </o:p><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><u>Moonstruck</u> – </i>(1987; dir. Norman Jewison; Cher, Nicolas Cage, Olympia Dukakis; composer/arranger – Dick Hyman…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">that has to be the most awesome unintentionally filthy name ever!</i>)</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Don’t know if you’ve ever seen this little gem of a film. If not – you owe it to yourself to watch it as soon as humanly possible. It’s not a drama, it’s not a romantic comedy, it’s…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Moonstruck</i>. It’s a singular entity that stands out from any other film ever made. It was nominated for six Oscars, winning three (Best Screenplay, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actress). I’ve never seen a movie with more charm or character – and some of the most memorable dialogue ever put to paper or film.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><o:p> </o:p><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><u>Sneakers</u> – </i>(1992; dir. Phil Alden Robinson; Robert Redford, Sydney Poitier, Ben Kingsley, Mary McDonnell, Dan Aykroyd, River Phoenix, David Strathairn; composer – James Horner)</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>You’ll note I put the entire main cast above. And with good reason – this is one of the best ensemble movies ever. It wouldn’t be even half as wonderful should any one of those actors not be in it. Everyone in it is (was) top notch, and the combination of talent plus direction, screenplay, story, etc. makes this one of the most memorable heist/caper/whatever flicks ever.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><o:p> </o:p><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><u>The Shawshank Redemption</u> – </i>(1994; dir. Frank Darabont; Tim Robbins, Morgan Freeman; composer – Thomas Newman)</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Fucking <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Forrest Gump</i>!!! Don’t get me wrong, that was also a fantastic picture. Hell, 1994 was a great year for movies period. Had it not been for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Forrest Gump</i> however, I think the acclaim for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Shawshank</i> would have been much greater. I love a good, long, methodically paced, well-acted, well-shot, well-written, character-driven drama – and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Shawshank</i> is the poster-child for all of that. Despite that it’s often bleak and dreary, it’s also just a beautiful film throughout.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><u>Conan the Barbarian</u> – </i>(1982; dir. John Milius; Arnold Schwarzenegger; James Earl Jones, Mako, Sandhal Bergman, Gerry Lopez; composer – Basil Poledouris)</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"> </span></span>Conan</i> shares a similar infamy as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">A New Hope</i> in that it was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">the</i> film that was responsible for an onslaught of cheap, half-assed imitators for several years after its initial release. By most people’s standards, I suppose <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Conan</i> itself is a cheap, half-assed attempt at film-making, dismissed by many as substandard. For me it’s a total delight – a jewel, rough around the edges perhaps, but priceless just the same. Like with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Sneakers</i>, I included the supporting cast above as they all make the movie better - greater than what it could have (should have?) been. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><st1:city st="on"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><u>Lawrence</u></i></st1:city><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><u> of <st1:place st="on">Arabia</st1:place></u> –</i> (1962; dir. David Lean; Peter O’Toole, Omar Sharif, Alec Guiness; composer – Maurice Jarre)</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I haven’t really looked into it, but I wonder if David Lean ever made a picture that was less than 3-and-a-half hours! A director known for making epic films, this was arguably his masterpiece, and most epic of all. T.E. Lawrence was a pompous, arrogant, egotistical, self-serving, showboat of a man. But there’s still something very special about this film, showcasing the finest hours of his life. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><u>Operation Petticoat</u> – </i>(1959; dir. Blake Edwards; Cary Grant, Tony Curtis; composer – Davie Rose [Henry Mancini – uncredited])</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Yes – the pink submarine movie. Of all the fantastic war films ever made – I fall in love with the one that’s actually a screw-ball comedy. Honestly, I’ll watch just about anything with Cary Grant. I’d have to say that he’s likely my favorite actor and one of the greatest and most under-appreciated in all of <st1:place st="on">Hollywood</st1:place> history. And I’m comfortable enough with my heterosexuality to admit that I may have a small man-crush on the guy – I’m cool with it. Yes…I know…he’s dead! But he’s just so cool, and suave, and sophisticated. Anyway…I actually didn’t even realize until a few years ago that this was a Blake Edwards film. I don’t know why, I just find that odd somehow. Again, if you’ve never watched it, you really should. It’s the very definition of fun little movie. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><u>The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly</u> – </i>(1966; dir. Sergio Leone; Clint Eastwood, Eli Wallach, Lee Van Cleef; composer – Ennio Morricone)</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I know Westerns aren’t exactly everybody’s cup of Joe. But this movie is more than just any Western. It’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">the </i>great Western – the masterwork. It transcends the genre really. It’s master storytelling at its finest, regardless of genre. And ol’ Clint is the emperor of bad-assery (sorry Sam Jackson, he’s even got you beat)!</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><o:p> </o:p><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><u>The 13<sup>th</sup> Warrior</u> – </i>(1999; dir. John McTiernan; Antonio Banderas, Omar Sharif, Dennis <span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN">Storhøi; composer – Jerry Goldsmith)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Dennis <span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language:EN">Storhøi…where the fuck are you?!?! Seriously, this guy <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">made</i> this movie. If ever there was a European actor in desperate need of a big, Hollywood break-out, it’s him. I suppose we’ll just have to settle for his turn in the upcoming prequel to John Carpenter’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">The Thing</i></span> (another film, btw, that I probably should have on this list, but will have to settle for runner-up status). For all intents and purposes, this movie should have been an unrivaled disaster. I suppose if one were to take its initial reception combined with box office results into consideration, it still could be. Luckily, it has a rather highly-regarded cult following – and rightly so. It’s just all kinds of big, stupid fun. The production was a mess; Crichton had to step in as director and editor to reshoot and recut quite a bit. And why not – it was his own material; he should know it better than anyone. Add to it that it also has one of the most awesome scores of Goldsmith’s entire career behind it, and everything sorta just fell into place. Lucky us.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><u>Kingdom of Heaven (director’s cut)</u> – </i>(2005; dir. Ridley Scott; Orlando Bloom, Liam Neeson, David Thewlis, Jeremy Irons, Brendan Gleeson, Eva Green; composer – Harry Gregson-Williams)</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>ATTENTION MOVIE STUDIO EXECUTIVE TYPE PEOPLE: When you’ve got a world-class director making a big-budget, period epic – let him do whatever the fuck he wants with it!!! Don’t try to whittle it down into something it’s not – like a 2-hour summer popcorn action flick. You’re just fucking up a good, or in the case of this film, AMAZING thing. Like most of you I would imagine, I watched the studio cut of <st1:place st="on"><st1:placetype st="on"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Kingdom</i></st1:placetype><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"> of <st1:placename st="on">Heaven</st1:placename></i></st1:place> and kinda went, “eh, ok…”. I know I’m not even remotely fucking alone when, after viewing it, I couldn’t help but feel like it was missing something – a whole fuckin’ bunch-o-something to the tune of nearly 50 minutes of footage to be precise. I really hope Tom Rothman, CEO of 20<sup>th</sup> Century Fox, felt like a total ass-hat after <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">his</i> cut of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">KoH</i> bombed fantastically when it was released in May of 2005. And even more so after Scott was given the greenlight to recut it to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">his</i> specs, and release it in limited theatrical runs and then DVD to excess lauding and applause. What should’ve been a serious Best Picture Oscar contender from Fall 2005 ended up a hacked-up mess. Luckily, we’ve all got the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">real</i> film to enjoy whenever we want. Sure, the historical accuracy may be a tad, erm…flibberty-gibbertied, but what the hell – this is one awesome, spectacle of a film!</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><u><br /></u></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><o:p></o:p><u>HONORABLE MENTION/RUNNER’S UP</u></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><u><br /></u></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><u>WALL-E</u> – </i>(2008; dir. Andrew Stanton; composer – Thomas Newman)</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Okay, so – once again, Pixar proved it could do no wrong. Even on a bad day, their least liked film (ahem...<i>Cars</i>) was at least entertaining and very well made. If it hadn’t been for a clusterfucked wave of “Curry Fever” overcoming <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">Hollywood</st1:place></st1:city> in 2008 (thanks to a silly little Bollywood-wannabe), this little gem might have been the first animated film to win Best Picture. And deservedly so. As it is, Disney didn’t even bother to make a push to even get it in the category – which is a shame because that goofy little robot was something downright magical.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><u>The Dark Knight</u> – </i>(2008; dir. Christopher Nolan; Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman; composers – Hans Zimmer, James Newton Howard)</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>The other victim of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Slumdog</i> hype machine, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">TDK </i>offered the most gritty, dark, realistic, intense takes on Batman ever. Not to mention it was brilliantly executed in just about every conceivable way – and hands down the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">true</i> best <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">non-animated</i> film from that year. And naturally, it got snubbed all to hell during awards season – save Heath Ledger’s overwhelmingly deserved posthumous Best Supporting Oscar. My initial reaction to it had me placing it even with, if not above my love for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">The Empire Strikes Back</i>. Time has allowed me to be a bit more subjective. And while I still acknowledge that it’s a masterpiece of filmmaking, I too acknowledge that, as evident from above, there are at least 11 other movies I hold in higher regard overall. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><u>Unbreakable</u> – </i>(2000; dir. M. Night Shyamalan; Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson; composer – James Newton Howard)</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Say what you will about all of M. Night’s other films, I believe <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Unbreakable </i>is his finest work. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Signs</i> may have the honor of having one of the best compositional achievements in film from the last 30 or so years, but <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">everything </i>else about <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Unbreakable</i> is better. If he’s serious about making a sequel, he <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">really</i> needs to get on it right away before the last few grams of mojo he has are gone for good. The whole <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Unbreakable </i>universe just screams “FRANCHISE!!!” I actually have enjoyed all of MNS’s films (even <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">The Happening</i>), but I can kind of understand why a lot of the viewing public has turned against him over the last few. I’m not one to go so far as some and say that he’s raped my eyeballs with his “shitty” filmmaking. But I do see how each film since <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Unbreakable</i> has become less and less accessible to the movie-going public. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><u>My Fair Lady</u> – </i>(1964; dir. George Cukor; Audrey Hepburn, Rex Harrison; composers – Frederick Lowe & Alan Jay Lerner and Andre Previn)</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Yeah, that’s right fuckers…I’ve got a fucking musical on my list! A lot of people these days balk at the fact that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">MFL </i>received the Best Picture Oscar. I’m of the opinion that it 110% deserved every accolade it received. And absolutely none of my opinion is based on the fact that I will forever be totally head-over-heels in love with Audrey Hepburn. I repeat…none of my opinion of this film is based on that. None. Nada. No. Zilch. Zip. Zero. Uh-Uh. <st1:street st="on"><st1:address st="on">No Way</st1:address></st1:street>, Jose. Okay, maybe a little. Still, it is a great movie, with enough memorable songs and set-pieces for any other <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">two</i> musicals. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><u>Fight Club</u> – </i>(1999; dir. David Fincher; Brad Pitt, Edward Norton, Helena Bonham-Carter; composers – The Dust Brothers)</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I was really conflicted as to whether or not put this one in my main list. In the end though, I suppose a runner-up status is a fair shake. I can’t put my finger on what it is about this film, whether it’s the story, the cinematography, the editing, the performances – ah hell, it’s probably a combination of all of it, but I just love this movie. Too bad it didn’t get a better reception during its initial release because it’s an honest-to-goodness modern classic. And then there’s that twist that rivals the best of ‘em (I’m lookin’ at you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Sixth Sense</i>) – well, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">I</i> didn’t see it coming anyway…at least not in the first viewing. All the clues are there in the opening minute if you’re a better problem solver than I am. This movie just speaks to me (as the bullshit artsy-fartsy sect of the human race would put it). I dunno, maybe it’s just a wonderful outlet for my inner non-conformist, anti-social anarchist that’s been dying to get out all these years.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><u>Blazing Saddles</u></i> – (1974; dir. Mel Brooks; Cleavon Little, Gene Wilder, Harvey Korman, Mel Brooks, Madeline Kahn; composer – John Morris)</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>It’s almost disheartening that in our modern, stuck up, over Politically Correct-ified world a film like this being made today would cause a complete and total riotous uproar. I don’t care if it was written by black people, directed by a black person, starring nothing but an all-black cast, filmed by an all-black pre-through-post production crew, and funded by the NAACP, the I Have A Dream Foundation, the Black Panthers, and the United Negro College Fund – making this film today would be nothing short of scandalous. And that’s a shame – no – a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">crime</i> really. This is the comedy of comedies. It is the highest standard of funny by which all comedies should ever hope to obtain. And even after the umpteenth viewing, it’s still the funniest goddamned thing I have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">ever </i>seen (with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Airplane! </i>a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">close</i> fucking second). </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">So…there it is – a semi-detailed look into my movie happy place. Do your eyes hurt? My eyes hurt. And my fingers…and my head. I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">may</i> have gone a tad overboard on this one. I guess what may be most revealing is what <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">isn’t</i> on the list. No <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Star Trek</i>. No <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Lord of the Rings</i>. No <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Godfather. </i>No James Cameron, or Tim Burton, or Stanley Kubrick, or Dick Donner. I admit it – in some cases at least, I like some weird shit. Well, hope you suffered through reading that as much as I suffered through writing it. If you want to contribute your own list, well…good luck fuckers!</p>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-25015454179419593862010-08-24T12:42:00.001-05:002010-08-24T12:43:44.313-05:00Trois<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">So anyway, they say things come in three’s: deaths, events – both good and bad, etc. Well as luck would have it – we at the Shehan household are two for three. On Monday, we found out our home loan was going through – so the little lady and I it seems have our first house. Yay! Took fucking long enough! I've already made my spiel about the terrors of securing a home loan, so I won’t go into that again. Let’s just say a giant frakkin’ weight, the size of oh I dunno, say…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">ME</i>…has been lifted off our chests. And good riddance too…can’t have anything damaging such a lovely thing as my chest (you thought I was going to say something to disgust you, you know, T.M.I about my wife’s T.I.T.’s, didn't you? <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Didn't YOU?! </i>Admit it…CONFESS I SAY!!!<i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">“There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in the world, t’would be a pity to lose a pair such as yours!”</i>). </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">My wife’s boss is a snotty bitch. No really, she’s temperamental, and crabby, and unsociable in the worst way. She’s always chastising my wife for this, that and the other, and for no damned good reason. She’s rude, hateful, condescending, and seems to go through life with something terribly uncomfortable permanently lodged up her ass. In short, she has no business being in charge of grass, let alone other people. My wife’s a fucking hard worker. She busts her petite little butt – she’s a perfectionist (at work, don’t get me started about home), and she won’t settle for anything less than the best. She has OCD, so that plays into it, but in the end it works out for her. And try as she may, she just can’t please this cunt. Yes…I used the C-word (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">“Did you just say the F-Word?” “What…Jew?!”</i>). Today is Sam’s first day back at work from maternity leave (awww…), and wouldn't you know it – she just found out the bitch is quitting a week from Friday [cue elating music]. Seems poor miss thing just doesn't like city life and is resigning to the quiet charms of…<st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">Springfield</st1:place></st1:city>?! Wait…what?!?! Lady, what the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">fuck </i>are you thinking?! Oh, well considering the source, I’d say she isn't. I told you she was weird – okay so I didn't use the word weird, but whatever, you get the gist.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">So, I’m thinking I've got one more bit of good luck coming my way. What do you fine folks think. I’m wondering if I should start a poll or something. You know…vote for what would be the ideal bit of good news. I’m voting for threesome (with another fucking <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">woman </i>of course – another dude is just 31 flavors of wrong, and besides, two dudes and a girl is a gang-bang, not a threesome – if you really want to know why, I’ll explain it in a comment). Hey, threesome…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">three, </i>that’s poetic somehow! Yeah, I know…in my dreams, but what the fuck right…as long as I’m dreaming? I suppose for the moment I’ll just settle for a free CD or something. A guy can always use new, free shit!</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">Seriously, what do you think…pushing my luck?</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small; "><i>BTW...this is my third post in less than a week. Coincidence? We may never know...</i></span></p>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-48109527423091559222010-08-20T10:34:00.002-05:002010-08-20T10:41:47.812-05:00Best of the Best of the Best...Mam! See How I Changed That Just A Little And Called It Original?! See How I Did That?!<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">So anyway, I've taken on the task of answering the James Horner portion of Reed’s question posed on Brad’s facebook page the other day. If you need a refresher (and after Brad’s ginormous fucking post on Jerry Goldsmith, you really shouldn't you no-short-term-memory-bastard), the question was: </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"></p><blockquote>“A question for those concerned: what, in your opinion, is Goldsmith’s best<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Fantasy score? What is his best sci-fi score? What is his best score not in those <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>two genres? Same question for James Horner? Same question for one film composer of your choosing.”</blockquote><p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><o:p> </o:p>Before I begin, I think some clear definitions are in order. A problem arises with how we all define the genres of Fantasy and Sci-Fi. This was touched on in Brad’s post, and I’d like to expand upon it here. I divide Fantasy into <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">pure </i>fantasy, and quasi-real fantasy. For me, a broad definition of pure fantasy is a story contained in its own world, during its own undefined time, where <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">our</i> understanding of both the laws of physics, nature, and general reality don’t necessarily apply. In film, this would include the likes of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Krull</i>, <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Willow</i></st1:place></st1:city>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Dragonslayer</i>, and most especially <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">The Lord of the Rings Trilogy</i>. A common element amongst all of these films is the use of magic. I exclude films like the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Harry Potter</i> films because, while they include magic, they exist in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">our</i> world, specifically, in 21<sup>st</sup> Century <st1:country-region st="on"><st1:place st="on">England</st1:place></st1:country-region>. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Harry Potter</i> I feel falls into the quasi-real fantasy category. I realize that you may not share these ideas, but my blog, my rules [gives reader raspberries].</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><o:p> </o:p>And then a new problem arises. Limiting the discussion to the realm of pure fantasy inhibits the discussion. Why? Because you can take <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">every </i>A-list composer since the beginning of cinema, and count on one hand the number of films they scored that fall into pure fantasy. I think to be fair you have to include both categories. But then…where do you draw the line. Because it takes place in the real world, but bends our conceptions of physics and nature, does a film like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">The Rocketeer</i> fall into the category of quasi-real fantasy? <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Or is it Science Fiction? I’m not even going to try to define Sci-Fi. I’d have better luck getting Katy Perry and Megan Fox to take turns going Ass-to-Mouth with my cock then I would coming up with an all-encompassing definition of Sci-Fi. Let’s just say that I consider <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">The Rocketeer </i>Sci-Fi because of how its story centers on an improbable, but not impossible piece of technology. That, I think, will be my foundation for Sci-Fi in this context.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><o:p> </o:p>I should also note that a somewhat humorous discussion came up with Brad’s post. He originally included the film <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Capricorn One</i> as a stand-out example of Goldsmith’s sci-fi composing until I pointed out that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Capricorn One </i> isn't a sci-fi film. Why not? Because it’s a conspiracy thriller. A conspiracy thriller with an ever so slight Sci-Fi bent, but a conspiracy thriller nonetheless. For those that don’t know, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Capricorn One </i>is about a faked Mars landing (building itself around all the fake moon landing conspiracies since the Apollo missions) and what happens when the government tries to cover up the project and eliminate everyone involved. So for future reference, films like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Capricorn One</i>…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">not</i> Sci-Fi! That’s why it’s not in his post anymore!</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify">…and with all that out of the way – on with the show…</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify"><o:p> </o:p>Discussing the best of James Horner is considerably simpler than Jerry Goldsmith if for no other reason than because his career has been half as long. It’s not necessary to divide Horner’s career into time periods because he’s really only had two, the 80’s…and everything after. For the purposes of this post, I’ll do my best to avoid digging into a lot of the negativity surrounding his infamous proclivities in his writing style. Those are matters of personal taste and not really germane to this post. If you’re one to hold those things against him – you probably shouldn't be reading this anyway.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:12.0pt;text-align:justify">Finding Horner’s best Fantasy score is actually quite simple; you literally <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">can</i> count on one hand how many Fantasy films he’s composed for. There are five. Just five. Of those, two are pure fantasy, three qualify as quasi-real fantasy. And the obvious choice is, well…obvious. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Krull</i>. Talk about a classic case of blowing your creative load early! It could be argued that Basil Poledouris had the same problem with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Conan the Barbarian. </i>It’s a fair argument that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Krull</i> is not only Horner’s best Fantasy score, but perhaps one of the (if not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">the</i>) greatest achievements of his career. If you’re wondering, the other pure fantasy score was <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Willow</i></st1:place></st1:city>. The other three would be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Field of Dreams</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Jumanji</i>, and <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Casper</i></st1:place></st1:city>. These latter three, all good scores in their own right, I think certainly qualify as quasi-real fantasy – you've got: The ghosts of the Chicago eight showing up in an Iowa corn farmers field to play baseball, and find redemption; A board game that brings the wilds of its surreal jungle to life as you play; and a love story between a young girl and a ghost who lives in the house that her father has just inherited. All of them taking place in the modern world with fantastical elements. One could make an argument in favor of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Willow</i>’s superiority over <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Krull </i>I suppose. You can certainly hear the maturity in writing that developed in the five short years between it and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Krull</i>. But you can also hear the obvious beginnings of Horner’s penchant for self-plagiary. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:12.0pt;text-align:justify">His contributions to Sci-Fi film music are a little bit harder to sift through – but not much. For those who are interested, here’s a list of Horner’s complete Sci-Fi output, in chronological order (beginning with his first “larger budget” feature):</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:12.0pt;text-align:justify"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Battle Beyond the Stars, Star Trek II, Brainstorm, Star Trek III, Cocoon, Aliens, *Batteries Not Included, Cocoon II, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, The Rocketeer, Deep Impact, </i>and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Avatar</i>. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:12.0pt;text-align:justify">Not a bad resume of Sci-Fi really. I was really surprised how few there actually were. As I researched his filmography, it struck me how many dramas, action films, and epics (modern and historical) he’s done. Of the twelve scores on that list, I realized I have eleven. I never picked up <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Deep Impact</i>, it was a little <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">too </i>Horner-y (read: lazy) for me. If I were to pick a favorite from that list, it would have to come down to either one of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Star Trek</i> films or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Aliens. </i><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Don’t ask me to pick just one; I don’t think I could do it. The score for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Star Trek II </i>has been argued as being the best of the entire film series – and for good reason. Aside from brilliant writing, it single-handedly changed the tone of the entire <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Star Trek </i>musical universe going forward. I've always had a soft spot for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">III,</i> why I don’t know – there’s just something about it that always stood out for me. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Aliens </i>is notable not only for its brilliant combination of atmospheric horror and kinetic action scoring, but also the speed in which such an inspired score was produced. There’s an interesting divergence that happens with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">The Rocketeer</i>. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">The Rocketeer </i>was 1991, after which, Horner (with the two listed exceptions) completely stayed away from Science Fiction. Brad also made a fascinating observation to me the other day that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">The Rocketeer</i> was also the last time Horner wrote a truly large, orchestral, original, non-gimmicky, non-ethnic, non-epic score. Maybe that’s why it’s one of my favorites of his – regardless of genre. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:12.0pt;text-align:justify">If you want to know a lot about James Horner the composer, you’d do well to concentrate on his 1980’s output. Beginning with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Battle Beyond the Stars</i> going all the way to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">The Rocketeer</i>, the 80’s represents a truly masterful period of Horner’s compositional and creative output. That’s not to say that anything he did post 1991 wasn't good, even damned good – hell, brilliant even. But there’s something so…new and fresh about 1980’s James Horner. The scores to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Apollo 13</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Braveheart</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Titanic</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Avatar</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Legends of the Fall</i>, the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Zorro</i> films – are all excellent, and highly entertaining. They’re true highlights of his output in the last 20 years and deserving of whatever accolades one sees fit to apply to them. But I think they lack that certain something, that spark that came with the best of what Horner gave us in the 80’s. Amongst the films I've already listed, we also have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Glory</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">The Land Before Time</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">An American Tale, Red Heat, Commando, 48 hrs., Where the River Runs Black, The Journey of Natty Gann, Uncommon Valor, Something Wicked This Way Comes, </i>and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">In the Name of the Rose</i>. Of course in between those, you also have films like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Streets of Fire</i>, <st1:place st="on"><st1:placename st="on"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Gorky</i></st1:placename><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"> <st1:placetype st="on">Park</st1:placetype></i></st1:place><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">, Wolfen, </i>and even a little “gem” called <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Barbarian Queen</i> (good luck finding <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">that</i> one). </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:12.0pt;text-align:justify">Maybe I’m just waxing nostalgically because I grew up with so many of these films – they’re important to me. Maybe I’m just struggling because I haven’t written “fuck” since the beginning of this post. I’m having “fuck” withdrawal – it starts with the shakes, followed by profuse sweating, and then paranoia. Eventually sufferers de-evolve into a primitive state, flinging their poo at people and masturbating uncontrollably.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> So...par for the course for me. </span>Who knows?! At any rate, I hope this helps, sorry if it dragged on a paragraph or twelve too long!<span style="display: none;mso-hide:all"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-77431627573893599932010-08-18T11:16:00.002-05:002010-08-18T11:27:31.754-05:00Pikey-o, Pikey-o...Where Fuck You Been Pikey-o?!<div style="text-align: justify;">So anyway, did I mention I had another kid? I didn't? <i>Really?!</i> Wow…I must’ve really spaced out there. Damn, what was I thinking? I don’t know how I could’ve forgotten that, what with the crying, and screaming, and feeding, and sleepless nights, and hundreds upon hundreds of rotten, awful, filthy, shitty diapers. And that was just me – don’t even get me started on the baby (wocka, wocka). OK, well…here he is, EvilMonkey2.0:</div><div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZSfrumBvngjjoDSPKUINctKoYCxPsts-FT9_GJA8E5vmCWhh2-AoVbChIG6HA2Vog63L2p4jZQgqumwZIXKYbfBgCJ0kDzuFRrSNTUceBZcy7iF302RW_xn7WxD1v9agzb5nm/s1600/IMG_0461a+comp.jpg"></a></div><div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZSfrumBvngjjoDSPKUINctKoYCxPsts-FT9_GJA8E5vmCWhh2-AoVbChIG6HA2Vog63L2p4jZQgqumwZIXKYbfBgCJ0kDzuFRrSNTUceBZcy7iF302RW_xn7WxD1v9agzb5nm/s1600/IMG_0461a+comp.jpg"><img style="text-align: justify;display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 286px; " src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZSfrumBvngjjoDSPKUINctKoYCxPsts-FT9_GJA8E5vmCWhh2-AoVbChIG6HA2Vog63L2p4jZQgqumwZIXKYbfBgCJ0kDzuFRrSNTUceBZcy7iF302RW_xn7WxD1v9agzb5nm/s400/IMG_0461a+comp.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5506786735877314130" /></a> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">Weird how much he looks like EvilMonkey1.0. And yet not. I realized the other day that he has a striking resemblance to my grandmother. I don’t think my mom liked that idea so much…eh, what’re you gonna do? The kid has one mood – hungry. If he’s awake, he’s hungry. And if he’s hungry, and we’re not feeding him – BABY SMASH!!! Brad had the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">brilliant </i>idea that we nickname him Ike, so the brothers can be Mike and Ike. Didn't go over so well with Mommy or Grandma. I liked it. But what do <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">I </i>know?</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">So when were we here in Pikey-verse last? April. Huh…imagine that. Well, to my loyal readers (all three of you)…sorry. I offer my most humble and sincere apologies. I have no excuse except to say…I been fuckin’ busy, yo! Let’s see…covered the whole “baby” thing, right. Then what else, um…oh, I’m buying a house. Yeah…that’s, uhh…that’s been fun. I know Reed’s been down this road, but for those that haven’t – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">caveat fucking emptor</i> my friends. If the urge ever strikes you to enter the realm of property ownership, my first piece of advice would be…don’t! Don’t do it. It’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">so </i>not worth it. But since “it is inevitabur”, my second bit of advice is this: have every…single…solitary…FUCKING piece of information about you, regardless of how trivial or insignificant it may seem, ready and at hand to give to your lender. Fuck it, get blood samples, saliva swabs, stool, urine, semen (or Pap Smears for the ladies?), hell…have your entire fucking genetic code charted out ahead of time. Just on the off chance that your lender comes back and says, “Hey…could we get <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">this</i> from you?!” And they will…oh yes, they will. They aren't loan officers, THEY. ARE. THE. DEVIL!!!</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">I've come to the conclusion that a significant portion of the American populace is stark fucking mad! You’d have to be to want to subject yourself to this! And there are a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">lot</i> of fucking home owners out there. So, by that logic – lots and lots of crazy people. Hey, I should fit right in then!</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">The soundtrack labels really need to lay off the new fucking releases already. Seriously folks – I’m trying to buy a goddamned house here…I don’t need the extra debt. Seriously, I haven’t fucked my wife in about four months (give or take a few weeks) – now I know that technically that has nothing to do with film music. I only bring it up because if I ever have any hope of doing it ever again – you fucking soundtrack labels need to quit putting out shit I want to buy!!! Ahem…anyway, where were we? I hope any of you that missed <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">Varese</st1:place></st1:city>’s release of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Predator</i> a few years ago jumped on the Intrada re-release. If not, tough shit – that thing was apparently gone (all <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">3000</i> </b>of ‘em) in less than 21 hours! Same thing just happened with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">SpaceCamp</i>. I already had that actually. It was released as a limited 1000 edition pressing in <st1:country-region st="on"><st1:place st="on">Japan</st1:place></st1:country-region> about 20 years ago. I picked one up on Ebay about six or seven years ago for oh, I don’t remember - around $175 I think. Don’t look at me like that…I needed it. It was important. Funny part is, I haven’t even opened it. It was still sealed up in its original plastic wrap. So now that I’ve got the Intrada release from Monday, I can finally listen to it!!! Only took a few years – I’m patient. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">Don’t get me started on that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Spartacus </i>monstrosity of a thing from <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">Varese</st1:place></st1:city>. I want that one with a passion – but I’m not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">that</i> crazy. I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">did</i> pick up <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Batman</i>, I’ll throw a comment onto Brad’s post about that here eventually. I’m really hoping to get <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Krull </i>before they’re gone. I have the SuperCollector 2-Disc from the 90’s (and despite what SoundtrackCollector.com says, it’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">not</i> a bootleg) – the LaLaLand set is basically the same thing – only it sounds crazy better! Perseverance is currently doing a digital restoration on the extended LP of Ennio Morricone’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Red Sonja</i>. When it does finally come out – I can’t recommend it enough – there are some truly great moments in there. It’s an excellent companion to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Conan the Barbarian</i> (much better than <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Conan the Destroyer</i>, blasphemous as that sounds). If you don’t have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Conan</i>…shame on you. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">Tadlow produced a complete re-recording of Maurice Jarre’s <st1:city st="on"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Lawrence</i></st1:city><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"> of <st1:place st="on">Arabia</st1:place>.</i> If you’re at all serious about film music, regardless of your thoughts on Jarre (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">“I like the French, but they </i>can<i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"> be a little French”</i>), you really <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">need</i> to get this set. It not only has the complete score re-recorded, but a second disc full of suites and cues from a shit load of scores of his that have never been released, like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Firefox </i>and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Enemy Mine</i> just to name a few. Good Stuff.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">I know there’s a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">lot</i> of shit going on in the world right now that could use some classic Pikey commentary. Frankly, I don’t have the time or energy right now. I've got a giant shitburger of my own to deal with at the moment to get too fired up about oil spills; and illegal immigrants; and repealing constitutional amendments about said immigrants; and the constitutionality of gay marriage in Kahli<i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">foh</i>rnja; and where one should and shouldn’t build Mosques that aren’t actually going to be Mosques; and psychotic, right-wing, racist, über-bitches going nuts and revealing their <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">true </i>nature on the airwaves. OK – well I will say it’s about time that freaky bitch was pulled off the radio…it’s only 29 years too late. Now if someone would only do something about that Ann Coulter cunt. Ooh, did I just say that? </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">Yes…yes I think I did.</p></div>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-28582729889118508452010-04-06T09:56:00.002-05:002010-04-06T10:07:19.512-05:00What's in a Name? Hey, What's in Those Brownies?!<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">So anyway, I know I don’t get a lot of posting done these days. But every once in a while something comes my way that just…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">compels </i>me to just cast it out and see what bites. In this case I direct you to <a href="http://www.parentdish.com/2010/04/05/parentdishs-100-weirdest-celebrity-baby-names/?icid=main|main|dl5|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.parentdish.com%2F2010%2F04%2F05%2Fparentdishs-100-weirdest-celebrity-baby-names%2F">this</a> story. Go ahead, look it over…I’ll wait… </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><o:p>Done?! OK, let’s continue then. With the baby due in July, and having already picked out a relatively traditional, if not <i>really fucking old</i> name for him (Isaac Connor), I can’t help but look at a list like that and be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">completely</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">and totally</i> dumbfounded! If I were to draw an immediate conclusion, it’s that perhaps it’s not necessarily a good thing to be a wealthy celebrity. Why…?</o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><o:p>…Because it makes you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!</i></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">Seriously, are the drugs <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">that</i> much better when you’re rich and famous? Or does <st1:place st="on"><st1:city st="on">Hollywood</st1:city></st1:place> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">really </i>exist on a totally different plane of reality?! I don’t know about you, but generally speaking, the end of my intoxication rainbow usually involves an occasional carisoprodol or hydrocodone for a bad-back day. Seriously…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">that’s it!</i> I’ve never done <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">any</i> hard narcotics (save a little Demerol when I had my knee operated on). I’ve well documented my complete lack of drinking skills much to the shame of my, erm, "esteemed" and "noble" heritage. Seriously, I’m an Irish, German, American Indian – for all intents and purposes, I should be a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">raging</i> alcoholic! But even if I was a total lush or just constantly smacked off my gourd, I don’t think there are enough drugs or alcohol in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">world</i> to make me torture my children with names like that. A few highlights:</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><o:p>Apple Martin: Ok, so this one’s old news – when Gwen Paltrow announced she was naming her kid after fruit, the whole world more or less went “HUH?!”. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still love to plug my pecker into Pepper Potts’ pretty, pink, pixie pooper - but girlfriend <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">seriously</i> gots some wires crossed in her noggin. Anyone else notice that that poor kid’s name is one “I” away from being a faggy, foo-foo-drink cocktail?!</o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><o:p>Jermajesty Jackson: Alright, so I really don’t want to get into a discussion about the parental naming habits of members of the black community. But on the other hand, I have to wonder if there is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">ANYONE</i> in Michael Jackson’s family that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">isn’t</i> some combination of <i>completely </i>psychotic and mentally retarded. What happened Jermaine – really?</o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><o:p>Don’t even get me started on Frank Zappa’s kids – that’s a whole different level of stoned.</o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><o:p>Kal-el Cage: Look, I like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Star Wars</i>, but I’m never naming any of my kids Yoda, or Chewie, or Han Solo, or Leia, or Darth (...ok, I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">might</i> consider Darth down the road). Sure Nic, we get it…you likes you some Superman. But…well…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">DAMN!</i></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; ">Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette/Pilot Inspektor Lee: Sure, Penn and Teller have been one of the premiere Magic/Comedy acts for over 30 years – but at some point, they obviously made Penn’s brain disappear. Problem is, they didn’t make it re-appear. And Jason…I like your movies, generally, but, umm…what the fuck, man?!?! Ok guys, general rule-of-thumb…don’t give your kids names that are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">occupations</i>…real…or fictional!!!</span></o:p></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><o:p>Tabooger Cortese: Right, so Dan Cortese <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">barely</i> qualifies as a celebrity, I mean let’s face it, he’s about as D-list as you get. But judging from his kid’s name, the only conclusions one can arrive at are that Dan hates children…he especially hates <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">his</i> kid…and he’s angry. Why so angry Dan? Didn’t get that Quick-E Mart opening gig in East Bumfuck <st1:state st="on"><st1:place st="on">Texas</st1:place></st1:state> did ya?!</o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><o:p>So what is it – is celebrity status like some kind of fucked-up fraternity or cult whose initiation ritual includes a big ol’ honkin’ hit off the worlds biggest crack pipe? Who’s to say? Do they get a card and a membership pin? When you become famous, do Angie and Brad show up at your door with a free African kid – which you then promptly proceed to name Maxturbation Steakfry Cosmonaut? Are there beny’s (aside from access to nearly endless supplies of tits, ass, and drugs)? You know, in the unlikely event I ever achieve some level of notoriety, I suppose, if nothing else, I can take some small measure of comfort in knowing that I named most or all of my kids <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">long </i>before it happened. And that if I’m ever accused of being totally bat-shit bonkers fuck crazy, I started out that way – money didn’t do it to me!</o:p></p>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-59532419924218758052010-03-16T08:50:00.001-05:002010-03-16T08:52:37.157-05:00Ends and Odds<div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">So anyway, I haven’t posted a helluva lot lately. Owing mostly to the fact that Ze Banc (Sieg Heil!!!) web-blocked my <i style="">fucking blog!!!</i> Why?! What could possibly be objectionable here in Pikey-space?! Hehehe - Anyway, I’ve already covered that, so let’s move on to other things. I’ve had a couple of smaller things on my mind, so I just thought I’d condense and share them all in one, neat, expletive-laden package. <o:p></o:p></div><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal">So…what’s first. Let’s see – oh, caught <i style="">Green Zone</i> the other night. A few thoughts, firstly, who is this particular movie <i style="">not </i>for:<o:p></o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><ol style="margin-top: 0in; text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" start="1" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal">If you’re favorite source of world news spawns from a place that rhymes with giant, throbbing <i style="">COCKS</i>, then this movie likely won’t be for you.<o:p></o:p></li><li class="MsoNormal">If you in any way idolize George W. Bush, Dick (Satan) Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck, or anyone else of their particular ilk, then this movie likely won’t be for you.<o:p></o:p></li><li class="MsoNormal">If you think the Younited States of Mmerica was totally justified in goin’ over there and whoopin’ Saddamn Insane’s heathen fuck ass…then this movie…likely isn’t for you.<o:p></o:p></li></ol><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal">But, if you enjoyed the <i style="">Bourne</i> movies, and like a fantastic, modern warfare thriller that offers some interesting conjecture into the “what-if’s” of what actually happened when the “war” in Iraq started in 2003 (and you don’t mind a <i style="">lot</i> of shaky cinematography), then I can’t recommend it enough. <o:p></o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal">On a similar note – if I may offer a bit of advice to the esteemed Mr. Greengrass, please…for the love of DOG, buy a fucking steady-cam rig for your next movie! I appreciate the stylistic reasoning behind the whole “shaky-cam” thing, but really – this made <i style="">Ultimatum</i>’s action cinematography look like a trip through an automated car wash. <o:p></o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal">OK, so what else. Oh yeah…with all due respect to <i style="">Team America</i>, I think I really <i style="">have</i> seen everything. No…I still haven’t seen a man swallow his own head (but come on, when will anyone ever <i style="">actually </i>see that?), but I <i style="">have</i> seen a jive-talkin’, 70’s bad-ass, blaxploitation muthafucka have a nunchuk fight with Tricky Dick in the Oval Office! “What the…<i style="">HUH?!?!</i>”, I know you’re asking. Last night the missus and I rented and watched <i style="">Black Dynamite</i>, a blaxploitation comedy spoof from last year. Outta sight mutha fuckas, outta-fuckin’-sight!<o:p></o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal">What else?<o:p></o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal">We have a customer at the bank named Rex Martini. <o:p></o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal">That’s it. That’s the joke.<o:p></o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal">You want more…ok, fine. My initial thought upon learning that was something akin to, “Gee…anyone else think that sounds like the name of a forgotten, gay, 60’s playboy/superspy/pornstar?”<o:p></o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal">I’ve noticed my “readership” hasn’t’ posted their own responses to my last post yet. It’s okay, I don’t mind. Besides, like I already commented on that post, I’m giving everyone a little leeway on that one because, let’s face it, it’s going to take a fair amount of research to actually contribute to the post. I figure the three of you (that sounds a lot more pathetic when I “say it” out loud) are working on it and you’ll have your ideas out in cyberspace eventually. <o:p></o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal">A couple of CD gem’s as of late – both courtesy of the brilliant mind of the late Mr. Goldsmith. First we have <i style="">Islands in the Stream</i> from Film Score Monthly. What a gorgeous little score. I can’t presume to know why it was said to be Jerry’s favorite, but I can hazard a few guesses. Then there’s <i style="">The Spiral Road</i> from VareseSarabande’s “Soundtrack Club”. The score, from 1962, was sandwiched between <i style="">Lonely Are the Brave</i>, and <i style="">Freud</i>, and represents what is essentially his first foray into big, dark, sweeping drama. Stylistically, the three scores couldn’t be more different – a testament to what a master even young, 33-year-old Jerry Goldsmith was. Listening to the CD, if you didn’t know it was Jerry in 1962, you’d have a hard time guessing it. Great stuff. Ah crap, I just realized he wrote all three of these monumental scores at the same age as I am now. CRAP! I need to get busy, I <i style="">really</i> fuckin’ need to get busy!!!<o:p></o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal">I’m listening to Hans’ <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on"><i style="">Hannibal</i></st1:place></st1:city> score as I type this. It’s not having any kind of effect on my thoughts and whatnot, but I can’t help but notice that many of the cues sound like the Evil Stepmother of many of the ideas he would later have for <i style="">The Ring</i> and <i style="">Batman Begins</i>. Interesting…<o:p></o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal">I had to fill out our annual employee survey this morning. The usual bullshit, “Are you motivated to do your best for the bank?”, “Do you believe in the values the bank stands for?”, “Are you ‘customer focused’?”. Gaaaaah! Nonsense. And I know it’s largely ignored anyway – I talk to people from other shifts and other departments, they have the same complaints as I do. Yet, invariably, every year we get the same “Oh, we’re doing GREAT!!!” responses from HR. There was a comment section at the end. I pretty much let them have it in regards to our pay and benefits. I wasn’t rude, fowl, or disrespectful. But I was damned <i style="">hostile</i>! Eh…whatever, for what it’s worth I suppose. I guess maybe sometimes I let my overdeveloped sense of righteous indignation combined with my complete intolerance of and disgust towards the blissfully ignorant get the better of me. <o:p></o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal">I suppose I would’ve been less pissed and negative overall if it weren’t for the e-mail from the CEO a couple months ago. It basically told us that we should fight the Obama administration because the new banking laws they were trying to pass were out to destroy the banking industry. <o:p></o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal">What a crock of shit.<o:p></o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal">First of all – you guys didn’t take any of the TARP funds, you’re too fucking conservative to have needed them anyway. So these regulations weren’t really aimed at your little bank. Second, the proposed laws are aimed at the BIG banks (you know who you are), the ones that threw money around like it was sea-water. The ones giving billions in bonuses and salary to their executives, and lending thousands to every irresponsible jack-ass Tom, Dick, or Harry that could furnish a picture of themselves. The ones that have done everything in their power to fuck their customers out of every dime they have with their bullshit credit card policies. The ones that had a <i style="">major </i>fuck impact on the financial shitburger this country is in at the moment. Third, and this is the most important, KEEP YOUR FUCKING POLITICS TO YOUR GODDAMNED SELF! I don’t care what side of the fence you lean towards, an open letter to <i style="">all</i> of your fucking employees essentially telling them to tell the President of the <st1:country-region st="on"><st1:place st="on">United States</st1:place></st1:country-region> to go fuck himself is unwanted, unnecessary, and completely uncalled for! It’s bad fucking form! Don’t go pushing your ideals on <i style="">everyone </i>(literally everyone) that works for you. As it so happens, I was doubly pissed because he <i style="">was</i> pushing his right-wing bullshit agenda on us. Fuck you, you lousy cocksucker…fuck you in your giant, overpaid, conservative ass.<o:p></o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-family: arial; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">Ok, I feel better now…the bad people in my head are gone.</span><o:p></o:p></span></p>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-48851165069108972702010-03-05T09:55:00.005-06:002010-03-05T16:58:22.743-06:00That Special Something (or: Why Doth The Pikey Hate Us So?)<div style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;">So anyway, a long time ago in some blog posts far, far away, we set about listing our top 10 (or so) favorite scores and favorite score cues. It was horrible, it was obscene, it was blasphemous, it was downright indecent…and a rather smashing good time I must say. At the time I had an idea for a follow-up, and life...being life and all, just sort of got in the way, and the idea went on a rather extended hibernation. Well, it’s back, and I’ve got some time to kill so I’m going to throw it out for one and all to chime in on. This one’s gonna require some serious thought, and a fair amount of research kids, so buckle up ‘cuz here’s what I’ve got in mind. </div> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family:arial;">List, if you’d be so kind, your top ten (or so…again) favorite </span><i style="font-family: arial;">moments</i><span style="font-family:arial;"> from your vast knowledge of film-score-dom. That is to say, think of your favorite 5 to 30-ish seconds (maybe a minute) from various cues that just really do it for ya! These are little moments, perhaps contained within your favorite cues – perhaps not, that really get the old stick at attention. OK, so that’s not </span><i style="font-family: arial;">entirely</i><span style="font-family:arial;"> accurate – these don’t have to all be ginormous boner-fied musical moments. But rather, they’re snippets that have had an extreme emotional resonance with you and stuck with you over all others. Any kind of excess emotional response will do, be it extreme joy, sadness or anything in between. This connection can stem from just simply extraordinary composition or a combination of that aural element and its perfect marriage to the scene from whence it came. It’s your call, although more than likely the music as it aids the film will be a deciding factor…so hop to it. And, since it’s my idea and I’ll likely be branded some kind of wretched, evil, Nazi, sadist fuck bastard for even thinking of it…I’ll go first. </span></div> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><br />In no particular order:</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><i style=""><br />The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King – </i><st1:place st="on"><st1:placename st="on">Howard</st1:placename> <st1:placename st="on">Shore</st1:placename></st1:place> – from “The Fellowship Reunited” (6:30 – 7:03 on The Complete Recordings): This scene is, for me, the high point of the entire trilogy, and it all culminates at one beautiful and spectacular moment. Sauron is no more, Aragorn has been crowned King of, well…everything, and as he walks out and greets his subjects, he comes upon his four Hobbit friends. You know the moment – the whole world knows the moment. He sees them, they start to bow, he stops them and says, “My friends…you bow to no one.” And at that moment, what is arguably the most stirring moment in the series (courtesy of the Shire theme as it comes sailing in) happens as the King and <i style="">everyone</i> within a half-kilometer radius bows down before these four little men. I’ve probably seen it 20 times and I still get misty.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><i style="">Star Wars: Return of the Jedi – </i>John Williams – from “Sail Barge Assault” (5:25 to End on ’97 Special Ed. Release): Jabba the Hutt is toast, Han’s been rescued, the droids have been sucked out of the sand, and everyone’s ready to get the hell outta this godforsaken sand pit. Cue what is, for me, one of the most awesomely balls-out moments in the entire saga. It climaxes with a triumphant shot of the Millennium Falcon and Luke’s X-Wing breaking orbit and sailing off into the cosmos accompanied by an absolutely boner-inducing brass fanfare. Goddammit I love this part!!!</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><i style="">The Iron Giant – </i>Michael Kamen – from “The Last Giant Piece” (Final :30 on OST): OK, so…the whole cue’s just over a minute anyway. But the last half is just so stupendously glorious! The film has just cut to the <st1:place st="on">Arctic</st1:place> where we start following all the various bits of the Giant as they make they’re way to the beacon on his head. The last chord swells triumphantly as he opens his eyes revealing he’s alive and all will soon be well and a final stinger hits in the orchestra…”THE END”. The whole score was to my ears a (if not the) high point of Kamen’s output, and that last thirty seconds or so is some of the best writing he, or anyone else, has ever put in front of an orchestra.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><i style="">Signs – </i>James Newton Howard – from “The Hand of Fate, Pt I” (Final :50 of Track, OST): I firmly believe that this score, overall, is about as close to perfect as one could ever hope to achieve. The film climaxes with this scene and it all comes together with this particular moment. Gibson gets the boy outside, and <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">Phoenix</st1:place></st1:city> has been laying the smack down on the alien guy. He finally gets it over on its back and, from a point-of-view shot, a glass of water topples over on its face, killing it. All to the tune of one of the greatest orchestral climaxes ever put to film. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><i style="">Stargate – </i>David Arnold – from “The Other Side” (appx. Final :30 of Track, Special Ed.): I still say <i style="">Stargate </i>is <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">Arnold</st1:place></st1:city>’s best work. Here, one of my favorite pieces ever comes after the team arrives on the alien world. Daniel Jackson and <st1:country-region st="on"><st1:place st="on">Col.</st1:place></st1:country-region> O’Neil are out in the sand, they turn around and…BLAM! It’s an Egyptian pyramid…on an alien world…accompanied by some of the most glorious, nutsack-rattling orchestra and chorus ever. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><i style="">Star Trek V: The Final Frontier – </i>Jerry Goldsmith – from “A Busy Man” (3:32 – 3:52, OST): OK, so I’m sure you’re thinking, “Of all the damned <i style="">Trek</i> films…you pick this one?! <i style="">REALLY?!?!</i>” Yes, really! There’s this great little moment towards the end of the cue/scene, you have all this heavenly music swirling, Kirk and Co. are on the planet trying to find “God”, everyone on the Enterprise is awestruck (save the ever-vigilant Scotty, who’s trying his damnedest to get shit fixed). Then you cut to a monitoring screen, to which <i style="">nobody</i> notices that the scanners have picked up a Bird of Prey on an intercept course and cloaking. And behind it, perfectly matched to the rest of the underscore, Jerry’s “Klingon Theme” has the most subtle and wonderful entrance. It’s a rather inspired moment in what is otherwise a giant, coughed-up, hairball of sci-fi.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><i style="">Braveheart – </i>James Horner – from “Bannockburn” (6:05 – 6:21, OST) – Wallace is dead, the Scottish army is on the field at Bannockburn to accept an English truce…then, they basically just say, “Fuck this shit!” Hamish (Brendan Gleeson) throws down the proverbial gauntlet (by way of chucking Wallace’s sword into the battlefield), and then there’s this tremendous orchestral swell climaxing in one of the most well-placed cymbal crashes ever as Robert the Bruce draws his sword. And there’s that look! He has that awesome look on his face that just says, “I’m gonna stick this thing so far up your ass, your brain will feel the tip!!!” It’s spectacular!<st1:placename st="on"></st1:placename></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><st1:placename st="on"><i style="">Jurassic</i></st1:placename><i style=""> <st1:placetype st="on">Park</st1:placetype> – </i>John Williams – from “Journey to the <st1:place st="on">Island</st1:place>” (5:05 – 6:15, OST): This is one of those great movie-going moments that I’ll likely remember for the rest of my life. And it’s because of one specific spot. Spielberg did at that moment what no other filmmaker had achieved and that was to make us, the audience, believe that that goddamned computerized dinosaur was <i style="">real</i>! It worked…that brachiosaur stepped onto screen, and we were all just as awestruck as the people in the film. And it was done, in no small part, thanks to the sweeping majesty of Williams’ Main Theme entering at that precise moment.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><i style="">Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within – </i>Elliot Goldenthal – from “Adagio and Transfiguration (2:33 – 3:33, OST): I love this score. How can anyone <i style="">not</i> love this score. The fact that Goldenthal doesn’t have an Oscar for this score is a crime worthy of the Nuremburg trials. You might have noticed a pattern that my favorite bits tend to be from sections that <i style="">really</i> grab you by the nuts and squeeze…and this is no exception. The final moments of the cue as Alec Baldwin’s “spirit” is carried off into the…wherever…and all is made right with the world are accompanied by this window rattling orchestral swell. And it’s marvelous. And then, we cut to the “spirit” thingy shooting off into the cosmos with this perfect, somber solo trumpet that hits every note perfectly (no pun intended).</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><i style="">Star Trek: First Contact – </i>Jerry Goldsmith – from “First Contact” (3:01 – 3:37, OST): What kind of half-assed, no account <i style="">Star Wars </i>fan am I that I only have one <i style="">SW</i> cue on here but <i style="">two</i> from <i style="">Star Trek</i>. Eh…whatever. This one actually breaks down into two separate moments for me. The first being that grand statement of the Main Theme as Cochrane let’s go of Lily’s hand so he can go greet their new guests. It’s quite awe inspiring and wondermous. It’s followed shortly thereafter by that amazing climax up to the cymbal crash as the alien throws off his hood, then low and behold…<i style="">VULCANS!!! FUCKING AWESOME BABY!!!</i> Two teary-eyed, inspirational moments within a minute of each other on the same cue!</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><u><br />Honorable Mentions</u>:</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><i style=""><br />Raiders of the Lost <st1:state st="on"><st1:place st="on">Ark</st1:place></st1:state> – </i>John Williams – from “The Maproom”: That <i style="">BIG</i> crescendo as the sun comes up behind Indy and then the talisman fires off into the model…glorious…abso-fuckin-lutely breathtaking moment.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><i style="">Con Air – </i>Mark Mancina/Trevor Rabin – from “<st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">Battle</st1:place></st1:city> in the Boneyard” (3:34 – 3:56, OST): I love a good, over-zealous, heroic fanfare accompanied by a wailing electric guitar! And this one, as Poe jumps into the thick of the shit, is just fucking spectacular!</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; font-family: arial;"><i style="">The Prince of <st1:country-region st="on">Egypt</st1:country-region> – </i>Hans Zimmer – from “Red Sea”: Such a powerful moment, both on film and musically, as the waters of the <st1:place st="on">Red Sea</st1:place> go soaring into the air. You had to know that any composer scoring this scene would’ve pulled out <i style="">all</i> the stops for this moment, and ol’ Hans did it quite inspirationally.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family:arial;">Feel free to start sending the hate mail and death threats now.</span><br /></p>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-90839336663028322010-02-10T11:20:00.006-06:002010-02-10T11:28:58.466-06:00YO!!! CHECK OUT MY JUNK!!!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5ISlzBvA65WzTUMUxwJoJFGWAuA2k1RC57LMPYKPEqBG-D4tFHDcbrz9i54KmeTVHCAJSh1So3hX11A9-FYIT0gJ7_V8bMIt7p9qBIO26GPknXRpm7-Gs7_R5jNoJNj0uBAYY/s1600-h/IMG_0373+comp.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5ISlzBvA65WzTUMUxwJoJFGWAuA2k1RC57LMPYKPEqBG-D4tFHDcbrz9i54KmeTVHCAJSh1So3hX11A9-FYIT0gJ7_V8bMIt7p9qBIO26GPknXRpm7-Gs7_R5jNoJNj0uBAYY/s320/IMG_0373+comp.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5436666395109965682" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">So, anyway - seems I made another one with a penis. That's right, Evil Monkey 2.0 is...a...BOY!!! I've circled the manly bits for one and all to view. So, everyone say hi to Isaac. Isaac, say hi to Herr Vogler, Timmay, Reed, and anyone else that just happens to occasionally find their way here. It's just the three of them you say, oh...well, ahem, in that case...<br /><br />By the way, seems the fine folks at the bank have deemed Blogger inappropriate for us poor adult type folks and blocked it. So it seems my posting output will be going down the shitter. Not that I posted a lot <span style="font-style: italic;">anyway</span>, but still...what a bunch of douchesticks. <span style="font-style: italic;">REALLY?!?! MY BLOG...BLOCKED?!?!?!</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-style: italic;">WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!</span></span><br /></div>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-45027170027558611062010-01-11T06:07:00.004-06:002010-01-11T08:05:16.484-06:00A Gentle Reminder<div align="justify">So anyway, a little something (embedded below - wait for it, just keep reading) came my way, and I couldn't help but ponder the struggles of the Obama administration in its first year. Struggles to keep promises made during his election campaign. Struggles to renew, strengthen, or outright <em>start</em> diplomacy with a world that had lost most, if not all faith, in the United States as a world leader. Struggles to fix internal problems: finance, health care, the "war". Struggles just to save face. And let's be fair for a moment - the President of the United States...the proverbial leader of the free world, is still just a man (and ladies please relax, I mean that in an all-encompassing, species sort of way; not the "the Prezi<em>dent</em> cain't be havin' no durn va<em>gi</em>na" sort of way). He can only come up with ideas, plans, agendas...he can't <em>make </em>them happen. He can only propose policy, he can't dictate it. He can't even be directly involved in the writing of the laws - he can only put his signature to the finished product. </div><div align="justify"><br /></div><div align="justify">A good portion of the American populace is doing its best to try and forget that the years 2001 to 2008 ever even happened (at least where Washington D.C. is concerned). And then there are those that actually <em>miss </em>the former administration. Those that think we could not and have not ever been worse off than we are right now - I suppose this post really isn't for those people...but I digress. So while I don't want to stir up any bad memories - provoke any hostilities as it were - I thought I'd take a moment to remind every one just how much better things are now, or at least how much better things can be. How much potential this current President and his administration truly has. I want to remind everyone of the good that can come from our leadership if only our legislative branch can stop all of their petty bickering and unite to make a better America for one and all. I just wanted to offer a gentle, subtle reminder that <em>this</em>...</div><div align="justify"><br /></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br /></div><div align="justify"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5425457480900086978" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 300px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 304px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgia8PfQ1JuuF6q6MU5fN5lDIHg8OqsGaj6IctxEtpGJP58V5U79VZCFrV74YD0wySPlywJSlq6x_E0z380vbI-G6mWVkMGh6xE9bgbU00HgNZ50joLz2md-Ub1zgG3pmFGJfri/s320/untitled.bmp" border="0" /></div><p align="justify"></p><p align="justify">...used to be the most powerful man in the world. <em>This </em>was the face of America. Once several years back on The Daily Show, Jon Stewart had <em>someone </em>from Congress on (can't recall who, I just remember it was a Republican) and tried to be diplomatic by saying Bush wasn't stupid. With it being 2010 and all, looking back I think it's safe to say that yes Jon...Bush was/is/forevermore shall be stupid. It's ok...you can say it now. In fact, I don't think that does it justice. The man was fucking retarded! So I say to you people (left or right) if nothing else - if you <em>really</em> don't like the way things are now, just remember...they can <em>always</em> be worse!<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><em>That was an awful lot of work just to share one, stupid picture with everyone...eh?!</span></em></p>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-89721891820607325682010-01-04T19:56:00.007-06:002010-01-05T07:43:57.114-06:00Kicking a Dead Horse's Ass<div align="justify">So anyway, Intrada just announced the complete score to the John Wayne drama <em>Hellfighters</em>, composed by Leonard Rosenman. And after listening to the sound samples, combined with recent listenings of <em>Robocop 2</em> and <em>Star Trek IV</em>, I'm starting to get a clearer picture of why I really don't care for the man's music (or the man for that matter - I'll elaborate further as the post stumbles on). Seeing as how he died almost two years ago, a lambasting of the man and his craft might seem in poor taste, but well...I don't really give a shit. This is what's on my mind at the moment and I'm running with it. </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Let's get this out of the way right off the bat - Leonard Rosenman...was a complete and total fucking douchebag. There, I said it. Seriously he was - I can't stand reading anything he ever said because invariably he <em>always </em>comes off as a complete and total pretentious, elitist, snobby, prick! Read any of the countless interviews* he gave in his lifetime and you quickly get a sense that Leonard Rosenman liked nothing more than to talk about the awesomeness and wonderment that was Leonard Rosenman, and how Leonard Rosenman was God's gift to all things music. Other things he enjoyed seemed to be discussing how directors were wrong in their film making choices, and making disparaging remarks about his peers.<br /><br />This in particular gets on my nerves - for instance, he once made a remark (something to the effect of) that he didn't understand all the hubbub over John Williams, particularly where <em>Star Wars</em> was concerned because he (the great Leonard Rosenman) could out-compose any "tune" Williams could write at anytime. He was also particularly harsh to (what was to him, at the time) the younger, up-and-coming generation of film composers, particularly James Horner and Basil Poledouris saying that they lacked any personal compositional voice or style. Whilst working on <em>Robocop 2</em>, he offered that Poledouris' score for the original was essentially rubbish, and went on to say that it <em>"had no sense of the orchestra, no sense of drama; It was a lousy, dopey score, and just didn't work".</em> I dunno - maybe we were listening to two different scores?! I've noticed that even the harshest of critics of the film usually still found the music to be quite fitting, if not truly brilliant. I guess I'm just not sure what Rosenman was (or wasn't) hearing.</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />As for his music...well, I really just don't care for most of it. I've been struggling quite a bit to put into words exactly what I think about it. And even now, I think the perfect idea - that one, all-encompassing, cohesive thought that best describes my ire - escapes me. But, fuck it, I'll try anyway. I don't claim to be any sort of aficionado of the man's body of work, but one thing that strikes me, listening to the small sampling that I have heard, is that Rosenman <em>never</em> developed as a composer...stylistically speaking. You find that most composers, over the course of their lifetime, change their approach to writing. Or at the very least they learn to embrace new ideas, styles, and whatnot and incorporate them into their own personal style. Take any sampling of Rosenman, be it <em>The Cobweb</em> from the 50's, <em>Hellfighters</em> from the 60's, <em>The Lord of the Rings </em>or<em> </em>one of the <em>Apes </em>films from the 70's, <em>Star Trek </em>or <em>Robocop 2</em> from the 80's, and you'll no doubt hear that essentially, they're <em>all</em> the same. </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />To me, Rosenman's music is...well...a "high-brow" version of the absolute worst Junior High or High School level concert band music you can think of. It's musical string cheese. Everything I've heard of his, regardless of what it was written for, inevitabry (hehe) ends up sounding like it was made for a Danielle Steele movie-of-the-week. As I understand it, Rosenman considered himself a neo-Classicist, and there are brief moments where I suppose I can hear it. But generally, to my ear, his music always comes across as bad melodrama. If his music were personified, I'd see it as one of the nimwits from Monty Python's "Upperclass Twit of the Year" sketch. I'll admit, there are <em>moments</em> of really interesting stuff, almost brilliant at times. But those moments are fleeting, usually to be found as developmental material in between his major motives and ideas. </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Take for instance <em>Robocop 2</em>. If nothing else, that particular score will be infamous for one thing - those shrill, blaring sopranos shrieking out "<em>Roooo-bo COOOOOOP; Roooo-bo COOOOOOP!!!" </em>as one of the major motivic ideas of the score. I mean, come on...<em>REALLY?!?!</em> <em>That</em> was his brilliant idea for a futuristic movie about a cyborg police officer, and he had the nerve to call Poledouris' work crap?! The "overture" to the film, as is presented on the CD (ironically, it's actually the end credits suite) starts of quite interestingly. It begins with a short brass fanfare, which is then followed by an absolutely <em>spectacular</em> driving rhythm in the low brass and percussion. But then this wretched, hokey, goofball of a main theme enters and ruins the whole thing. It's the kind of stupid thematic line that would make James Swearingen come in his pants! It might have been <em>more</em> effective if a freshman concert band <em>had</em> been playing it - complete with intonation problems (HA - that's an understatement), missed entrances, maybe even one kid in the brass section playing <em>everything </em>at a triple-Fortissimo! Interestingly enough...it <em>does </em>sound like, at various points in the piece, that the percussionist playing the suspended cymbal got lost...a lot. There's a middle section to it that's essentially a reworking of some of the underscore to various dramatic scenes from the film. And it's <em>fantastic - </em>chocked full of great harmonic devices, orchestral colors, counterpoint, you name it! But then that stupid main theme comes back for a reprise and fucks it all up.</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Someone on the FSM discussion board once remarked that, when in high school band, they attempted a band arrangement of the "Main Titles" from <em>Star Trek IV. </em>Apparently they read through it a couple of times, and the band director absolutely <em>hated </em>it. Then someone in the band spoke up and said that they had been playing it at half tempo. So they gave it another go at the correct tempo, and when it was over...he <em>still </em>hated it, and tossed it. I don't hate the score for <em>ST:IV </em>(sorry for the Dr. Seuss moment there), there are a few things to really like about it, but overall the only real reason I own the CD is for completionist sake. I suppose if bouncy and hokey, regardless of the film it was written for, is your kind of music then I don't know...maybe Rosenman is your guy. For me though, I just can't bring myself to <em>really</em> like him. His shitty demeanor certainly doesn't/didn't help. I want to hear more of his work, if for no other reason than to better clarify and justify my disdain for it. Problem is...I don't want to actually<em> pay</em> for any of it! That would seem almost hypocritical some how.<br /><br /><br /><br /></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><em><span style="font-size:78%;">*there's a series of several posts on FSM from a couple of years ago that chronicle the life of Rosenman through various snippets of interviews he gave. Search for his name and read them if you don't believe me - The Life of Leonard Rosenman, pts. I - V, I believe.</span></em></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"></div>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-89655744713173607922009-12-14T17:49:00.003-06:002009-12-15T06:15:08.638-06:00I'd Like A Box of Chaos Please...And Can You Gift Wrap That?!<div align="justify">So anyway, the Christmas shopping season is in full swing (only 10 shopping days left and I'd <em>love </em>to have that new BSX Records release of Basil's <em>A Whale for the Killing - </em>hint, hint). If anyone reading this is offended by my referring to the season as Christmas, rather than 'holiday' or whatever, well...you, <em>and </em>your horse (you can fill in the rest). I'm sorry, it's Christmas shopping season - the <em>Jews</em> aren't out in a frenzy buying Hanukkah gifts. And as for Kwanzaa...<em>fuck </em>Kwanzaa - don't even get me started on fucking Kwanzaa (apologies to those in the black community, but I just don't buy it - please don't bring a protest rally [or riot] to my front door). Anyway, sorry about the tangent there, that wasn't really my point here today. </div><p align="justify">No, today, being the time of year that it is, I'd like to talk about social experimentation. I had a thought (scary, I know) about how one could more or less mindfuck <em>nearly</em> everyone in the country. I've always felt the $.99 marketing ploy to be one of the most ridiculous and yet simultaneously brilliant ideas ever conceived. Think about it...it's fucking <em>everywhere</em>! You go to the store for a gallon of milk - it's $2.99. <em>No...it's not, it's $3.00.</em> You head to your favorite fast-food restaurant/cholesterol pusher and order something off the $.99 value menu - <em>bullshit man...those nuggets are a fucking dollar</em>! You pump your gas...the price is $2.41(9) a gallon - <em>fuck you Gassy McCon-Man, that gas is $2.42 a gallon</em>. You know it, <em>I </em>know it! I don't know where it started, I don't know when it started. At some point in U.S. history, some marketing wizard (aka Legionnaire of Satan) got the crazy idea that turning a $1.00 item into $.99 would entice Joe (Dumb Schmuck) Customer into buying said item more often. And the kicker - <em>it fucking WORKED!!!</em> Americans (well...most of them) are stupid enough to think that given the choice between a shitburger for $2.00, and the <em>exact same</em> shitburger for $1.99, they're getting the better deal with the latter! That new Pocket Pussy 9000 w/ Super Suck Action <em>sounds </em>way cheaper listed as $99 instead of $100. Well <em>fuck you</em> sales man - <em>I </em>know better! </p><div align="justify">So, just for fun, I would love to bear witness to the complete and utter chaos that ensues should, for a single day, <em>every</em> item for purchase in the entire country is rounded up to that whole-dollar amount. And just to be fair (and to fuck with people even more), adjust the sales tax on everything so that the consumer is getting that one cent/dollar back. So for example - that Double-headed Wonder Dong Dildo that Gramma's been wanting for Christmas, it now costs $80 instead of $79. But after adjusting sales tax, Bobby and Lucy Grandkid are still paying $79. Well - let's be realistic...mom and dad are paying $80, and they fucking <em>HATE IT</em>!<em> </em>NO ONE IS PAYING ANYTHING EXTRA - IT JUST <em>LOOKS </em>LIKE THEY ARE! I think the result would be brain-numbingly glorious! I honestly don't know how most American consumers would react, but I see it going one of two ways. One: People stop buying shit because, hey "That's just too fuckin' expensive"; or two: People buy it - begrudgingly, but they're <em>sooooooo fucking pissed</em> that they had to spend "all that money" on that butt plug/toaster oven that they just "had to have". There would be hate mail; there would be protests; people would go fucking postal over a goddamned penny...and it would be <em>awesome</em>!<em> </em></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />American consumers take seeing a 9 in the price of <em>anything</em> for granted - I don't think they'd know how to react to a 0 except with complete and total disgust, anger, and frustration. There are 9's in everything we buy. Except maybe for Wal-Mart. Those guys basically said, "$5.99? Oh yeah, well <em>fuck you</em>, we're gonna make it $5.98! Let's see who saves the most <em>now </em>motherfucker!" Which is great, I suppose - because, you know, at that rate the average American shopper can save upwards of a hundred bucks or so over the course of <em>3000 YEARS!!! </em>The American penny is the most worthless hunk of metal on Earth, and I'm a dedicated advocate for getting rid of the little bastard. And yet I don't think that we, as a society, are psychologically prepared to deal with the ramifications of not having that meaningless scruple in our lives. Taking the 9's away would likely have the same effect as the confusion that would result from, say for instance, the federal government announcing that the official American language is Swahili-Pig-Latin (it's Swahili, but spoken in a Pig-Latin manner - how screwed up would <em>that</em> be?)! </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />See, I think The Joker had the wrong idea. Generally speaking, I don't think a group of people necessarily <em>would</em> kill a boatload of other people to save their own asses (generally speaking - it <em>could </em>happen). I <em>do</em> think that the average American would absolutely go medieval on some poor Mexican kid's* ass over having to pay an extra penny for that cheeseburger from Mickey-fuckin'-D's! Seeing this kind of carnage, chaos, and mayhem would be the best Christmas present <em>EVER!!!</em></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><span style="font-size:78%;"></span></div><div align="justify"><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"></span></div><div align="justify"><span style="font-size:78%;">*Honestly, when's the last time you <em>didn't</em> get your food at McDonald's from a Mexican kid?! I can't remember...</span></div>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-69525830939205573122009-12-02T19:19:00.005-06:002009-12-03T03:32:59.480-06:00If I Were a Tiger<div align="justify">So anyway, not a lot to say on the subject - but I just thought I'd throw my two cents out on it regardless. And besides, I needed something new on my blog...even if it <em>is</em> just fluff. I like fluff (or maybe I just like fluff-<em>ers</em> - guess that's something for a different post entirely). Anyway, I'm fascinated at the mentality of both the American media, and the surprisingly large percentage of our population who's lives seem to hinge on every little piece of bullshit dribble that comes out of it. So now we have Tigergate, or whatever the fuck the "news" outlets are calling it. So he wrecked his car...in his <em>OWN FUCKING FRONT YARD</em>!!! So he's supposedly fucked someone that wasn't his wife...welcome to the human fucking race! Last I heard, about 75% of <em>all</em> men...EVERYWHERE...are unfaithful to <em>someone</em> at some point in their lives! It's nature, guys can't, try as they may, fight 100,000 years of evolution. The natural question would seemingly be (for sensible, logical, intelligent people): what fucking business is it of ours anyway?!?! But alas, we don't live in a sensible, logical, or even <em>remotely</em> fucking intelligent society - so for those people the question seems to be "Why Tiger, WHY?!?!" </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Seriously...what the <em>FUCK</em> is wrong with you people?!?!</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />It's none of your business. It will <em>never</em> be any of your business. It <em>should never</em> be any of your business. It wasn't anyone's business when Clinton got a hummer from Fatty McTrampstamp. Did we, as a people, make it our business? You bet your nosy ass we did!!! The American ideology seems to be that if you are a public figure, fuck the Bill of Rights - fuck life, liberty, and all that - you <em>do not get</em> a private life. And it's wrong...it's just plain wrong. The founding fathers of this country could never have had the foresight to account for the modern "celebrity" when they were drafting our nations laws. I can't help but think that if they had only known...there'd be a helluva lot more stipulations in those first ten amendments in regards to what "freedom of speech" and "freedom of the press" really mean. I suppose I really shouldn't be surprised by any of this. After all we are a nation where the press spends <em>months</em> dedicating front-page "news" to the ever-fluctuating size of [<em>insert female entertainer's name here</em>]'s ass, and how it's deteriorating the moral fabric of our society. </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />If I were Tiger, there would've been no statements to the police. No statements to the press. No statements to <em>anybody</em>. Were I Tiger, I'd stick to fixing my own shit, in the privacy of my own...well, erm...compound (let's face it, the guy doesn't have a "house", it's too fucking big to just be called a house). The <em>only </em>person he has to answer to right now is his wife. Not me, not you, not <em>anyone </em>else. OK, well I guess he might have a few questions to field from his auto insurance agent. Namely..."What the fuck, dude?!" I suppose that had I been Tiger, and the situation was forced upon me that I <em>had</em> to give a public statement, that I was "compelled" to do so - I would have called together the press conference, got up behind the mic, and told <em>everybody...</em>and I mean <em>EVERYBODY...</em>in the <em>whole, wide world...</em><br /><br />...<em>TO GO <strong>FUCK THEMSELVES!!!</strong></em> </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Then I would've said, "Thank you, and have a pleasant day." 'Cuz you know...that's just polite and all! And I'm a polite guy! He's a fucking BILLIONAIRE for Dogs sake, he can afford to tell people, any people, <em>all people</em>,<em> </em>to fuck off. Remind me to never become famous for anything. Christ, something as simple as the contents of my computer hard drive becoming public would be enough to get me burned at the stake. Or at the very least a public stoning. </div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify"><br />OK, I suppose I'm sufficiently fluffed now - thanks Jimmy.</div>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-81426535707932742782009-11-10T04:20:00.005-06:002009-11-10T06:36:57.176-06:00Don't Let the Door Hit You in the Ass on the Way Out<div align="justify">So anyway, I don't normally write about sports. It's boring. <em>Really </em>boring. With the exception of SI's Peter King, I have yet to find <em>anyone</em> in sports writing that can keep my attention for more than a paragraph or so. Add to that that I'm really not much of a sports enthusiast, and one has a solid case against me that I should in no way be writing about any sport of any kind. I don't like basketball...<em>at ALL</em>. I average about one whole hockey game a decade. I don't care that soccer is the most popular sport in the world...it's gay...really gay - <em>Liberace</em> gay. Golf...fuck, don't even get me started on golfing. It's not a sport - it's a game. There's a fucking difference. A sport requires some form of athleticism...of which there is absolutely <em>none</em> in golf. Fuck the textbook definition of a sport, for me, it's defined as something that requires both athleticism <em>and </em>talent. With just one or the other, it ain't a fuckin' sport...it's a game. With golf, you hit a ball with a stick, you walk after it, and hit it again. I can hit a ball with a stick, <em>and</em> I can walk. <em>No one</em> is ever going to accuse me of being an athlete. I don't give a shit that Tiger is a fucking <em>billionaire...</em>he's still not an athlete. So golf...<em>NOT A FUCKING SPORT! </em>I follow baseball <em>just enough</em> to know what's going on, and know which team's I do and don't like and generally why. I know marquee players when I see them, and I like going to Kaufman once in a while to see a live game. That's my world of baseball. I don't buy into the whole "baseball is the 'thinking man's' sport" bullshit. I'll admit, there's a design to it; there's strategy and nuance. But at the end of the day, <em>most</em> sports can say the same thing - it's just that the rest of them have added a certain level of physicality to that idea. Fat guys <em>can</em> play baseball...<em>and</em> be amazing! Do you ever see fat, world-class tennis stars...I don't think so. Sorry, bit of a digression there - point: baseball - sport yes; king of sports...not so much. </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Then...there's football - the <em>one</em> sport I follow, particularly our local "team" - and the real subject of my little thought here for today. For me, football is <em>just</em> as intricate as baseball, if not more so. Again I refer back to the physicality of it - I offer that football is just as, if not more "thoughtful" than baseball...they just added a certain, shall we say, gladiator element. Fat guys play football too...they're called linemen, they <em>have </em>to be big in order to keep the other team from getting shit done. I will admit, even after watching football regularly for the better part of 20 years, I <em>still</em> don't understand the play-calling. I still don't have the first-fuck of a clue what a 'play-action' or 'screen play' are. I don't have the faintest idea what the differences between nickel, dime, 3-4, and 4-3 defenses are. But I can follow the game. I know what I'm seeing when plays work, and when they don't - and generally can spot the reason (or player) behind that success or failure. I'm familiar with more than just the marquee players for most of the teams in the league. And even in these "darkest of days", I'm still a die-hard Chiefs fan. They're not making it easy, but they're still my guys. It's times like this that you <em>have</em> to maintain your loyalty to your team - <em>"Harvest is when they need you the most."</em> Anything else, and you're just a 'fair-weather' fan and the team doesn't need you anyway. I hate fair-weather fans...fuck you! Go watch figure skating you prick! Digressing again, I know; anyway... Teams have their "rebuilding" years. KC has been rebuilding for about a decade now. Although in all fairness, I think this year <em>truly</em> meets the criteria for a rebuilding team - what with a new GM, new Head Coach, new (supposed) Superstar QB, and a roster with about 65% new faces (75% of whom are rookies). </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />So, I went through <em>all</em> of <em>that</em>...to get to <em>this</em> - my point: finally, the moment happened that (I'm guessing) most of Chiefs fandom has been waiting for for almost three years - Larry Johnson was <em>fired</em> yesterday! Hoo-fuckin'-Rah! There comes a time when certain elements or individuals become nothing but poison for a team, and lately, that poison for the Kansas City Chiefs, was RB Larry Johnson. And so they cut him out, like the cancer that he was. For the uninitiated, here's a summarized timeline of "LJ", and please note that it's vague and generalized, at best - I have neither the time, nor interest in looking up the specifics:</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br /><u><strong>2004 (ish)</strong></u> - Priest Holmes is injured, opening the door for RB Johnson (who's spent a season-and-a-half bitching about being second banana to superior back Holmes); it's surmised that had Johnson been given a full season as starter, he might have broken every single-season running record in the league; then-coach Dick Vermeil makes the mistake of analogizing Johnson's newfound starting position to a baby taking off its diapers. Let the whining commence...</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br /><u><strong>2005 & 2006</strong></u> - Johnson becomes one of the (if not <em>the</em> the) top runners in the league; you can see his head inflate from the International Space Station...</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br /><u><strong>2007</strong></u> - Johnson holds out of training camp for more money (which is publicly chronicled on HBO's <em>Hard Knocks</em>), opting instead to pimp-it-out in his Miami condo all summer, goofing off and playing Playstation versions of himself; he breaks his foot mid-season...glad we gave him all that extra money!</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br /><strong><u>2008</u></strong> - Johnson half-asses his way through a rough season...my grandmother could've been a more productive player that year. He publicly trashes both the team and the city; he's suspended 3 games by KC and one additional game by the league stemming from allegations of assaulting a woman in a nightclub; a second assault charge follows as a woman claims he spit in her face; fuck it, he's rich - he can do what he wants, right?!</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br /><strong><u>2009</u></strong> - Johnson makes nice for the new regime change in KC; still manages to average less than 3-yards-per-carry, running the ball like I would after a big Thanksgiving dinner; October, after getting <em>CREAMED</em> by the Chargers, he uses his Twitter account to publicly bash Head Coach Todd Haley; he then continues his Tweet tirade by responding to all his detractors resulting from said bashing by calling them all faggots...<em>on TWITTER!!!</em> He's suspended for two weeks, resulting in a pay loss of about $630,000; he files a grievance with the team, half the suspension is lifted, he only loses about $300,000. </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Yesterday - <em>FIRED!!!</em> See ya, ta-ta, get lost, beat it, toss off, fuck off, get the fuck outta here!</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />You know, I can't imagine what I would do if I was docked $100 from my paycheck...so losing 300 grand is just unfathomable to me. In the long run, it'll be like a speed bump for Johnson. His contract reneg from 2 years ago guarantees him almost $20 million!!! He's gonna get that money from the Chiefs, and now all he has to do is sit at home with his thumb up his asshole, and watch Sports Center! The only way he <em>really</em> loses in all of this is if he doesn't get picked up by another team - he's 30 this year, <em>and</em> he's an asshole...anything's possible. But not likely. If there's a silver lining, you could even call it justice if you want, it's that he won't have the opportunity to break the Chiefs' all-time rush record (set by Priest Holmes), which he was only about 75 yards from doing. I think every football fan in KC let out a big ol' honkin' sigh of relief on that one.</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Fuck Larry Johnson...fuck him in his big, stinky poop chute!</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">For those keeping score, with this post I've officially matched my blogging output from my first year. That's actually only half-true, seeing as I began here on blogger in June of 2005. So I did as much blogging in half the time. But still...it's kind of a milestone of sorts I guess! Right?!?! (and I'm four posts from 150...that's fairly insignifcant compared to, say, Warrior Bard postings, but, again, a big acheivement for me!)</span></div>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-22354440937033180332009-10-18T14:07:00.003-05:002009-10-19T01:37:02.368-05:00Grita un Río Pendejo<div align="justify">So anyway, umm...yeah, touchy subject - immigration (of the illegal variety). You may have noticed <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/10/17/illegal.immigrant.costume/index.html">this</a> little nugget from whatever your favorite news outlet happens to be. I chose CNN.com, whatever your preference for "news" happens to be, hey...whatever, it's cool, but regardless - I'm still fuming. Don't really know why. As a certain, curly-blonde, jolly Viking said in a favorite film of mine, "It's a small matter". But hey, fuck it, sometimes you <em>do</em> have to sweat the small things. So, for the record...lemme see if I have this straight - and I'll save my thoughts on the apparent fact that advocacy groups <em>for</em> illegal immigrants even exist for another time, anyway - you people (the aforementioned immigrants) are upset, that a Halloween costume, a lame one at that, <em>might</em> be offensive to millions of illegals (particularly of the, erm, south-o-the-border variety) and want it pulled off the store shelves. It's...a costume, of a "little green man", with a, ahem, green card...in a GITMO jumpsuit. It's...a...costume, an alien costume - and not some sort of Pancho Villa get-up, rolled up in a tortilla, and shoved up a giant rubber anus. <em>That</em> is what you're upset about? Really? Hrmm...</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />So naturally, my immediate thought is, well...<em>FUCK YOU</em>!!! It's...a fucking costume, mildly clever at best. And it's insensitive to your person because, let's see - it disrespects your status as an <strong><em>ILLEGAL FUCKING IMMIGRANT!!!</em></strong> Here's a bold thought - you don't like it, you could always, oh I dunno...GO THE FUCK HOME! If I'm not mistaken, you, el inmigrante ilegal del pendejo gigante (sorry if I offended anyone with my Babelfish Spanish there...oh wait, <em>no I'm not!!!</em>) aren't even supposed to be here. And please, spare me the whole "this country was built on the backs of immigrants" bullshit. You're right, it was...<em>legal</em> ones. They came through Ellis, or wherever, filled out their paperwork, became part of the system, paid their taxes, did every-fucking-thing they had to do to be an official, recognized citizen of this land. My dad was third generation off the boat from Ireland. His great-grandfather came through Ellis (I've seen the paperwork). What does any of that mean - hell, I don't know, I just know I'm sick of piss-ant, bullshit, crybaby illegals whining about <em>ANY</em> mistreatment while living here in the U.S. </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Look, I'm all for cultural diversity; I'm totally for seeking a better life in the land of opportunity; but for fuck's sake - get a fucking green card! Is it really <em>that</em> hard?!?! If it is that hard, then, once again, I refer to my previous sentiment...fuck you. You are not a citizen of this country; <em>you</em> are living here illegally;<em> you</em> are working here illegally; <em>you</em> are not paying the taxes that support the benefits <em>you</em> are receiving. <strong><em>You</em> </strong>do <strong><em>not</em></strong> get to complain<strong><em>. You </em></strong>get <em><strong>no</strong></em> say...in <em><strong><span style="color:#ff0000;">ANYTHING</span></strong>. </em>So shut-the-fuck-up and get back to serving me my McBurger and picking my produce fucker! Now...where's the nearest costume shop?!</div>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-16156730341306601832009-10-07T10:07:00.002-05:002009-10-07T10:23:23.289-05:00Horribly Morbid and Deranged Thought for the Day<div align="justify">So anyway, sure - hardly anyone's watching <em>Heroes</em> anymore. Me, I'm giving it until the mid-season break before I decide whether or not I want to give up on it for good. Anyway, a promo for an upcoming episode shows The Cheerleader getting in on some hot, steamy, college-roommate, lesbian-experimentation smoochy smooch action...and it got me thinking...</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />...with her powers of regeneration, and the fact that (barring a total decapitation) she can't die - she could be the first girl to have a <em>career</em> in the snuff film "industry"!!! Think about it - first, she's unnaturally hot - that kind of fine defies <em>some </em>law of nature somewhere. Then, typical amateur porn film set up - hot cheerleader/co-ed/schoolgirl/delivery girl (whatever), banging away on some douche in a sleazy motel room. He blows his load, then blows her brains out (or slits her throat, puts one in her chest, stabs her to death...whatever). Someone yells cut...she sits up and all nonchalantly asks, "How was that?!" Sleazebag director says, "Great stuff Claire - pick up your pay in the next room...see you next week!"</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />She could totally make a killing at it (not sure if that pun was intended or not)!</div>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-24002509652208619432009-10-06T02:01:00.008-05:002009-10-07T10:49:26.823-05:00She Must Be Stopped<div align="justify">So anyway, I don't know if you've seen her. I don't know who she is. I don't know where she comes from - I'm guessing the darkest circle in all of hell. I don't know what her plan is. Mind control? Death by sensory overload? WORLD DOMINATION?!?! You tell me. But she is everywhere...and nowhere. She is everyone...and she is no one. She is evil; she is a succubus; she is the Dark One; she is the worm, feasting its way into the core of our society. She will destroy us all...and she must be stopped. Join me...join me in my struggle. Rally to the cause. Only together, as a whole, can we hope to defeat this plague upon mankind. Individually, she will devour our souls - leave us as but empty, rotting shells to be cast into the soil. But together - we just <em>may</em> have a chance. JOIN ME!!! Let us stand <em>together</em>, united against this blight upon our world!!!</div><br /><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />I'm of course talking about...</div><br /><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />...the cute little Asian girl from those new <strong>Windows 7</strong> commercials (who were <em>you</em> thinking of?)! You can see her <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssOq02DTTMU">here</a>. I'm telling you, there's something not right with that little shit! Seriously, that kid is too cute, and <strong><em>WAAAAAAAAAAAY</em> </strong>too-the-fuck-smart to not be the Antichrist! She's gotta be what...<strong><em>6</em></strong>...tops?!?! Just watch her - it's not natural for a child that age to put together a PowerPoint demo like that - it just <em>has</em> to be the work of Satan and his League of Evil (or Glenn Beck...take your pick)!!! Hell...<strong><em>I </em></strong>couldn't put something like that together - and I'm <em>really </em>good with that shit! <em>AND</em> - she's totally adorable, which immediately says to me... Hellspawn. It's just not natural - therefore it must be wrong...and it <em>must</em> be stopped. I used to think that that goddamned Penis-Pill Bob was the harbinger of our doom - seems we've managed to stave off that toothy-grinning, nemesis bastard. But alas, PPB was just that, a simple messenger - sent to warn us of the coming darkness that would befall mankind...</div><div align="justify"><br />...in the form of a sweet, tiny, Asian-American, kindergarten girl. Nope...wouldn't have seen <em>that</em> one coming. Uh-uh...not it a million years. Eat your fuckin' heart out Shyamalan - that's a "paradigm shift" (his words, not mine) for all time! </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />She <em>must</em> be stopped...join the fight! (<em>"Service guarantees Citizenship!"</em>)</div>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-46519644181094177842009-09-28T05:51:00.003-05:002009-09-28T06:43:34.976-05:00"Owwww, My ASS!!!"<div align="justify">So anyway, after this morning, I'm thinking there should be some sort of unwritten rule - call it a universally accepted natural law if you will - that there should be a limit on the number of ginormous shits you can have in a 24-hour period. Seriously! Late yesterday afternoon I had, what can only be described as the scat version of John Holmes, rip my poor, tender anus asunder. Then this morning, I was - and I don't use the term lightly - violated by Brown Ron Jeremy! I feel like I should buy stock in whoever makes A & D Ointment! There aren't enough bags of ice in the fucking world right now! It was as if two of the four horsemen entered our realm by drilling through my ass! Fecus Mortis - the death shit (where's <em>that</em> fucking spell in <em>Harry Potter, </em>I ask you?!)! I haven't been over-eating, and I'm regular. So what did <em>I</em> do to deserve such torture?! Is there some lesser-known God out there that I've offended - is Cornholus, God of the Atomic Shite (probably found on the same page as Bill, Lord of Postage Stamps), angry with me?!! I guess I should be glad I'm not Jewish, I'd be suffering from some twisted form of neurotic Poo-Envy (yeah, they were <em>that</em> big!). At this point I can't help but empathize with the many various young ladies in adult film who over the years have had to endure such probing repeatedly and for hours on end. It's almost enough for me to reconsider my stance on the whole "backdoor love"...thing!</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! OK, yeah...even <em>I</em> didn't buy <em>that</em> one! There isn't a big enough turd in the world to make me stop loving some good ol' fashion rear-entry rendering (<em>"sometimes, if you're in the heat of the moment...it's ok to go ass-to-mouth." </em>tee-hee!!!)!!! Hey...don't look at me like that. No. NO!!! Stop it! <em>You</em> chose to come here. You've been following my posts for God only knows how long - you should know that a weird one is always lurking around the corner. I've been "normal" for waaaaaaaayyyyyy the fuck too long - this blog was due for some off-the-wall, freaky, mind-fucked, disgusting insanity. You should know by now...diving off the deep end doesn't cut it for <em>this </em>blog. No, no, no...I take the deep end, kill it, skin it, fuck it, <em>then </em>eat it - in <em>that </em>order! So, c<em>aveat lector,</em> as it were - <em>"Shana, they bought their tickets...they </em>knew<em> what they were getting in to! I say, 'LET 'EM CRASH'"</em>. Still, could've been worse - could've been the hot-pepper squirts! The proverbial "brown lava of doom" you know. I'll take poo-sodomy-rape any day over that!!! Sorry, it's late (or early, depending on your point of view), and these are the things that go through my mind when I'm tired <em>and</em> bored. Sue me!</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming...</div>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-78771923761070281422009-09-02T03:13:00.012-05:002009-09-05T18:01:17.370-05:00Fun with Revishunist Histuree<div align="justify">So anyway, I got on something of a screenplay kick a month or so back. I must've read 20 of 'em in the space of a couple of weeks. A good sampling of everything from the best (<em>American Beauty, The Sixth Sense</em>) to the absolute worst (<em>The Avengers, Batman and Robin</em>). While I was at it, I found an early draft of Quentin Tarantino's latest, <em>Inglourious Basterds. </em>So I had an inkling of what I was getting into prior to seeing the film - and I'll get a little more into that (particularly the differences with the final cut) later. So<em> </em>let's get right down to it shall we...<em>Inglourious Basterds</em>. One could make the argument that this is Tarantino's <em>The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly</em>. Not because it's a Western, or because it's his finest achievement in film-making (though it's arguably close). There's just this methodical nature to the story, and a bit of gritty realism that link the two. Tarantino has oft maintained that <em>GB&U </em>is his favorite film ever - and he was thinking about it quite a bit over the last decade as he slowly hammered out the script for <em>Basterds</em>. <em>GB&U </em>wasn't a phenomenon in its time, and it wasn't Leone's biggest film endeavor. But time has been good to it and today it's generally regarded as Leone's masterwork. So perhaps time is what <em>Basterds</em> will need to really sell itself to the masses. As it is, I for one absolutely love it right here and now, and can't help but think that in 30 or 40 years (God willing I'm still dickin' around this rock) it will be on my own short list of favorite classics. Sticking to theme a bit, I'll break down my thoughts on the film with respect to that aforementioned legendary Western (which coincidentally happens to be one of <em>my</em> favorite films ever as well).<br /><br />I suppose I'll just get it out of the way and start with "The Ugly" (of which, honestly, there's very little). So by now the lukewarm reception at Cannes has become fairly well known. The general consensus being that it was good, but not great - and <em>way </em>too damned long. Tarantino had to edit in one big damned hurry to get it ready for the festival and apparently (at the time) it showed. His original cut was supposedly in the neighborhood of 190+ minutes, to which he whittled it down to 148 for Cannes. After that reception, he had almost three months to tighten up the story and cut it down even further. Here's the kicker...ready? The final theatrical cut is 152 minutes! As it stands, I think it's too long. Going back to having read the screenplay - it <em>screams</em> epic war movie. So, he had two choices really. One: go balls out and make that epic, all 3+ hours of it, or two: trim, and trim, and trim some more - until it's something manageable, with a reasonable length, that won't seem like it's sitting confused somewhere in between epic and fantastic popcorn film. Unfortunately, that's sort of what we got - something in the middle. It needs a ten-minute shave - don't ask me where, but since he decided <em>not </em>to go the all-in route, another trim I think is in order. I put this in the ugly category because it's not in any way bad...it's just a tad unfocused. As for the only other "ugly" element - and I use the term only in jest - it would have to be the quick insert shot of Goebbels and his translator about midway through the film. It's the most ugly (and hilariously wonderful) bit of 5 second character development/exposition I've seen in recent memory. </div><div align="justify"><br />Sitting on the fence (for me anyway) between "ugly" and "bad" is Tarantino's trademark use of 'dropped in' music. Originally, this was to have been his first film with an original score - provided by none other than Ennio Morricone himself. As a result from the combination of the film's rushed post to prepare for Cannes, and scheduling conflicts with Morricone's 193,468th score, he left the project - leaving Tarantino to resort to his fall-back musical sensibilities. But with a bit of a twist! The film is scored - but with cues from about a dozen other films, most of them from Morricone and Charles Bernstein. Sure a couple of "pop" songs sneak their way in, but it's not like this is the first WWII film to have a pop song in it (<em>Kelley's Heroes</em> comes to mind - which is a bit of a coincidence as <em>Basterds</em> uses a cue from Lalo Schifrin's score for that film). Using his temp track score as a basis for what he was going for makes me <em>really </em>fucking want to hear what Morricone would've come up with. My problem with what was used in the final print is that it's simultaneously very effective and <em>horribly</em> distracting. It captures the right mood effectively in each scene, but at the same time, it's very, very, <em>very</em> obvious it wasn't composed for this particular picture. It's a little of everything, from sound quality, to compositional styling, to familiarity of cues. It's just troublesome...I was really pushing for Tarantino to give this film a new score - and that bit's kind of a letdown for me. Is there anything else that I'd call <em>bad</em> in the film? Eh...not really no. I suppose one could argue that it meanders a bit - going back to the edit - and <em>maybe </em>there's not enough of the basterds <em>in</em> the movie with their namesake - but overall, there's a helluva lot to enjoy here. And like most of his movies - multiple viewings will only serve to increase the enjoyment of what's being seen.</div><div align="justify"><br />So what's good...fucking <em>everything </em>(that isn't related to the edit or music, that is)!!! Forget what those stuffy European cocksuckers think - they wouldn't know a good time if it was probing their assholes with the worlds biggest French Tickler! No doubt you've heard at least some of the lavish praise and (seemingly) over-indulgent, near orgasmic hyperbole over Christoph Waltz's performance. In the immortal words of Lily von Schtupp, "It's twue...it's twue, it's twue, <em>IT'S TWUE</em>!!!" Christoph Waltz might as well start writing his Best Supporting Actor Oscar speech right now (and go ahead and keep it in German just to fuck with people). The man, as Col. Hans "the Jew Hunter" Landa of the SS, is un-be-fucking-lievable!!! Never in my life have I admired and been charmed by such a despicable, loathsome character. Point of fact, if the man <em>doesn't</em> win that damned Oscar next year, I may just swear off the friggin things forever. The movie is wallpapered with European actors and actresses performing mostly in their native tongue - and they're all fabulous really. That's not to say the Americans in the film aren't equally as good. Think what you will of Brad Pitt (lord knows <em>some</em> people despise him), the man can turn out quite a performance - even one as intentionally over-the-top as Lt. Aldo Raine. Tarantino's favorite ensemble of cameo's make their appearances (so to speak) - see how many you can spot. One in particular is a touch distracting, but in the end, welcome as always. Another thing I found quite fun was Tarantino's typical flashy dialogue - which can often come off as a tad self-indulgent (nooooo...<em>really?!?!</em>), but here is quite welcome...especially since about two-thirds of it is performed in a language other than English, which makes it kind of refreshing in a way. </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Going back to that screenplay I read - there are missing scenes and bits that I miss quite a bit, and changes to the final film that are quite welcome. A couple of things in particular I miss - one, a scene with a pair of the basterds discussing their plan in a combination of pig-Latin and mock-Italian so as to fool all the Germans by whom they're surrounded. Secondly is the reaction of the lead female character, Shoshanna (played exquisitely by lovely French actress Melanie Laurent), after having just confronted a dreaded someone from her past. Not to spoil things, but it involved a wet floor beneath her feet when it was over - and it really sold her fear at the end of the scene. So uhh<em>...yeah -</em> overall I <em>really</em> loved this film! Despite some of the modern film-making anachronisms, it's really a very engrossing thing to watch. But then, I like <em>all </em>of Tarantino's movies - they all sit on the "very good" to "fan-fucking-tastic" side of the movie enjoyment scale for me. And <em>Inglourious Basterds</em> is no exception. I'm hard-pressed to say it's his best work. After all, spanking everyone's asses with <em>Pulp Fiction</em> so early in his career is quite the feat to overcome. But <em>Basterds</em> is certainly right up there next to it in my estimation. So I have to recommend everyone get out and enjoy some "Nah-zi killin'" goodness at their earliest convenience. </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Incidentally - Tarantino, like many directors, and as you have no doubt noticed, has a bit of a penchant for giving himself parts in his movies (which can sometimes be unfortunate because like many who are directors <em>then</em> actors, he can be fucking terrible). Here he has one of the most memorable cameo appearances I can ever remember seeing. It's literally one of those 'blink-and-you'll-miss-it' moments early on in the second chapter, so keep a close eye out. It's a doozy!!!</div><br /><div align="justify"></div>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-62202816584832965742009-08-28T03:21:00.007-05:002009-08-28T07:52:39.359-05:00Shuffle Mode<div align="justify">So anyway, I thought just for fun I'd randomly just jot down things as they came to me over the course of my evening/morning here at work because well...because why the fuck not! So without further ado (a break/new paragraph will indicate a pause in thought - or pause to, you know, actually work!):</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Goddamn it anyway - this <em>Matrix Reloaded</em> complete score that I, ahem, acquired is fucking awesome! It <em>might</em> just be as good or better than the first one - which you wouldn't know thanks to that crap album Warner Bros put out. I could listen to another 10 minutes of that alternate "Burly Brawl" - amazing stuff.</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Awww...fuck man! See, that's what I get for being a dirty fucking pirate like Brad - I'm missing all the electronica/techno/fusion cues on my iPod. Why?!?! Because I forgot that they weren't composed by Don Davis!!! So naturally - I didn't pull them onto my iPod from iTunes (that's too many fucking 'i'S' in my life) - there are big fuck holes in the score now...shit, shit, shit, shit, shit...</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Ok, so...yeah, I know my nights have gotten pretty fucking slow over the last couple of months - but this is ridiculous! I <em>REALLY</em> need to find a way to find something more interesting to do on my computer besides playing solitaire and (fucking) minesweeper all goddamned night! Hell, I'll take frakkin' <em>checkers</em> at this point - just give me something <em>new</em> to do!!!</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Dude, my teacher for my 'computer' class at Longview is a <em>total fucking Cougar</em>!!! Went to class tonight - there she is: bleached blonde; athletic build; fake baked; (guessing) late 40's; tight, short dress; and for ze <em>Piece de Resistance</em>...patent red 5-inch 'fuck me' pumps! <em>AAAAAANNNNND...</em>she teaches <em>HIGH SCHOOL </em>during the day (freshman classes to boot!)!!! She probably had a mass exodus of boys leaving her classes today heading straight for the bathroom stalls to hammer out knuckle-children like it was going out of fucking style!!!</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Can't say enough good things about <em>District 9; </em>GODDAMMIT what a great movie - I'm diggin' the score (it's available for $7.99 on iTunes btw). Sure, it's kinda derivative, and quite obviously a product of the temp track (<em>Batman Begins</em> anyone!), but it's all very well made - especially on that tiny little $30 million (HA!) budget.</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Hrmm - wailing <em>man</em>...that's new...</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />One problem I do have with it actually has little to do with the film itself, and comes from a comment Clinton Shorter made to Film Score Monthly online for this month's interview segment. He said that during the production process, he tried creating a more melodic score, but [director] Blomkamp kept coming back and saying "It sounds like fucking E.T.!!!" Which to me is a somewhat frightening and kinda sad look into the mindset of young filmmakers today. Firstly, <em>never </em>use <em>E.T.</em> as an analogy for something "bad" about film music - it makes you look/sound ignorant <em>and </em>stupid. Anyway, younger directors seem to have lost (or maybe never had) a real feel and appreciation for the craft of making orchestral film music. Shorter tried and tried to create 'authentic' ethnic sounds for the score, but Blomkamp insisted on "darker" and "heavier" drums, and stock string ostinati - resulting in the (generic) Media Ventures-esque sound that accompanied the final film.</div><div align="justify"><br />I'm a little off of listening to music lately. Been shuffling a <em>lot</em> of comedy on my iPod. Guess maybe it's a little disheartening to hear <em>so much</em> great music being performed...and <em>NONE OF IT IS MINE!!! </em>Anyway, really digging on Patton Oswalt, Lew Black (naturally), Mitch Hedberg (RIP man), and Maria Bamford lately (dat chick is like so crasy mang!).</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />And of course, the always awesome (as a hot dog) Mr. Edward Izzard. I really want to get my hands on his <em>Sexie</em> album. It's only available as an import - but, fuck it, it's Eddie Izzard, it <em>has</em> to be worth the price!</div><div align="justify"><br />So...sleepy - must...have...Mountain...Dew...or maybe...an eightball...</div><p align="justify"></p><p align="justify">I don't mean to offend, but I've just about come to the conclusion that black people don't sleep (hey, I said this would be random). I mean seriously...DUDE - who the hell are you talking to at this time of night?! I don't know anybody, and I mean <em>ANYBODY,</em> that would be anything short of fucking hostile if I called them just to shoot the shit at 4 in the fucking morning!</p><p align="justify">It's nice and all that I found a workaround to get on Facebook here at work, but unfortunately I still can't IM anyone - not that anyone on my friend's list would be up right now to chat anyway. </p><p align="justify">Uggghhh...one chalupa too many last night methinks.</p><p align="justify">So I'm assuming everyone's seen the <em>Avatar</em> teaser by now. It looks pretty cool, but I have to say, if I hadn't been following what it's about on the net over the last few months, the teaser would be fucking weird as get-all. I mean really - to the uninformed, it looks like the <em>Aliens</em> Marines Vs. Giant Smurf Alien People, whaaaaaaaa?!?!</p><p align="justify">GAAAHH! My mom's turning my son into a java junkie - why God, WHHHHHHYYYYY?!?! He's wired enough as it is goddammit!</p><p align="justify">"Marijuana users being condescending to alcoholics - that's a little hypocritical isn't it!? It's kinda like Idi Amin looking at Gandhi and going 'You're too intense!'" - Robin Williams (1984, at the Met)...that's funny shit!</p><p align="justify">Shouldn't it have been obvious to The Architect that there was something special about Neo, something different from all the past iterations of The Chosen One? Little clues sprinkled all over the place - like the fact that during his first fight with the "new" agents, he was able to recognize that they were 'upgrades'. If Neo was just like all the previous incarnations, shouldn't those upgraded agents have already been written into the Matrix? The Matrix shouldn't have needed improved code to <em>attempt</em> to deal with him. The sequels are a <em>lot </em>smarter than most people give them credit for. Ok, so I'm probably thinking too hard about this shit!</p><p align="justify">Ok, so before this gets long (HA - too late!), I'm gonna check out. I'll be back later...yeah, we'll just go with later...with my thoughts on <em>Inglourious Basterds</em>.</p><p align="justify"></p>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-32566047810183967362009-08-27T07:58:00.002-05:002009-08-27T08:19:58.687-05:00Define Irony (Part-o Numero Dos...o)<div align="justify">So anyway, as I'm sure you've all heard...people are <em>REALLY </em>fucking stupid! Case in point - this little <a href="http://news.aol.com/article/spca-exec-robin-starr-leaves-dog-in-hot/641422?icid=mainmaindl1link5http%3A%2F%2Fnews.aol.com%2Farticle%2Fspca-exec-robin-starr-leaves-dog-in-hot%2F641422">nugget</a>. It seems that this woman left her dog in her car on a hot day and - whodafuckinthunkit - it <em>died</em>!!! I left a burrito in a hot car once...it exploded - I suppose that's similar. Eh...no?! OK, well whatever. The kicker in all this - she's the CEO of the Richmond, VA chapter of the <em>FUCKING SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF CRUELTY TO ANIMALS</em> (note, I originally had that last 'fucking' between 'to' and 'animals' - which is just silly because let's face it...<em>all</em> animals are fucking animals right?!)!!!!!</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />How...exactly...does one, erm...<em>qualify</em> to lead an organization such as the SPCA? Do you have to be friends with George W. Bush? Is there a test? Is it multiple choice? Is it graded on some kind of bell curve? Shouldn't said hypothetical test have a question like, oh I dunno, say: </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br /><em>You have a dog. The temperature outside feels like you're seven inches from the fucking sun. You need to buy a double-dong dildo and stamps. You should:</em></div><div align="justify"><em></em></div><div align="justify"><br /><em>A: Leave Fuzzy McShitbag at home</em></div><div align="justify"><em>B: Take Fuzzy McShitbag with you, but take him into Skeevy's Dildo and Stamp Emporium </em></div><div align="justify"><em>C: Take Fuzzy McShitbag with you, but leave him in your car (in the Hell-weather) to die a horrible, stifling death</em></div><div align="justify"><em>D: Take Fuzzy McShitbag out back and just shoot him now because you have no business owning an ant farm, let alone a dog</em></div><div align="justify"><em></em></div><div align="justify"><em></em></div><div align="justify"><em>E: Answer D and then put one in your own worthless lump on your shoulders</em></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br /><br />JESUS BABY-PUNCHING CHRIST - WHAT THE <em>FUCK</em> IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE?!?!?!</div>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-53102784323617286002009-08-26T01:19:00.000-05:002009-08-26T01:20:28.607-05:00BEWARE<a href="http://www.theonion.com/content/video/ominous_music_heard_throughout_u?utm_source=asection">BEEEEEEEWAAAAAAAAARRRRRREEEEEEE!!!</a><br /><br /><br /><br />that is all...Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-42458230429957551512009-08-09T23:52:00.007-05:002009-08-11T08:59:54.855-05:00"Let's all just calm the fuck down..."<div align="justify">So anyway, I read <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/08/07/twitter.attack.reaction/index.html">this</a> article on CNN.com and immediately thought of Lew Black:</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br /><i>"They've won!!! We don't have to worry about the terrorists immobilizing us...we've done it to ourselves!"</i></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />OK, so granted he was talking about the fact that The Weather Channel is <em>the</em> most watched television station in the country. But I think the point still applies. What the fuck is <em>wrong</em> with people - they're running around in a full blown panic because they can't "TWEET" what color the shit they just let was!!! "It's like my heart was gone...I felt so empty inside" - FUCK YOU, and your pathetic, pointless, bullshit nonsense! Go outside and make an <em>actual</em> friend you ignorant <em>fuck</em>!!!</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />And what's the deal with this goddamned Twitter thing anyway?! I'll admit - I signed up for it right after I heard about it. Yeah, I signed up...spent about 27 seconds there - and then gave it a hearty "fuck this" and moved on. I mean, what is it really? It's Facebook, sans <em>EVERYTHING </em>except the status update feature! No bells, no whistles - hell, the bells and whistles were basically pissed on, then set on <em>fire</em>!<em> </em>Someone <em>please</em> explain to me the point of a site that's sole purpose is to leave a message to anyone and everyone as to what it is you're doing at any given moment! <em>Well let's see world - I just pooed; now I'm staring off into space; now I'm watching flies fuck; now I'm taking a bite of my mashed potatoes; now I'm about to walk headlong into a speeding freight train because I won't take the time to look up from my friggin' phone; now I'm one-handing this because the other one's tossing my willy 'round a bit...AHHH...brb - gotta clean that hand off!!!</em></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Why?</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />The missus signed up too, just out of curiosity - she hasn't been back either. Oddly enough, she has something like 20 "followers" (I have three I think). Talk about the express line to fucking NOWHERE!!! There are at least 20 individuals somewhere in this world that are waiting to see what someone they've never seen, met or have any connections to whatsoever is up to - and talk about your exercises in futility! Neither of us are going back...<em>ever</em>!<em> </em>God help anyone who's universe centers on waiting to see what <em>I'm</em> up to. You know, there's another group of people who have "followers" - they're called CULT LEADERS!!! Just as an experiment, I should go out and collect as many as I can - then Tweet all the males to ritualistically shave their balls before they castrate themselves with a rusty butter knife...you know, just to see how many would actually <em>do </em>it. Wonder if I could get a harem going along that same principle? </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />What does it say about a culture who's members have a complete meltdown because they can't (what essentially amounts to) leave a public text message? Now we have a website that lets you leave a text for the whole damned world. And I thought the whole text message craze was bad enough. I really don't get the point of that either. It's...a <em>fucking PHONE!!!</em> You dial a number, and you can actually <em>talk</em>, to a real live person - no shit! Whodathunkit! Naaaah...fuck that! Why actually communicate when you can have a god damned spell-a-thon with them? While we're at it, I'll use it to play games and check my e-mail too! A phone - whatever! Seriously, what's next - using video communication to speak to each other with Morse code?!?! I can just see it - two fucking idiots staring at each other via computer screen; they don't say a word...they just tap at each others faces with a series of dots and dashes! Don't know Morse code - don't worry...there's probably a fucking iPhone App to teach you!!!</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />A global meltdown because people couldn't fuckin' Tweet...for two <em>goddamned </em>hours no less - Jesus H. Christ!!! At this rate, I predict that about 60 - 70% of the Earth's population will have forgotten how to wipe their own asses within 15 years. Now <em>THAT'S </em>a goddamned epidemic! Mass hysteria, riots, chaos of biblical proportions as people crowd the streets because they can't figure out how to get the shit off their asses! Can we collectively agree to, henceforth, refer to Twitter-ers as <em>twats</em>?! ...Or <em>twits - </em>I suppose you could go with both, make them gender specific...that might be fun!</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Christ, where's a copy of the fuckin' <em>Guide</em> when you need one - someone needs to tell these people <em>don't </em>fucking <em>panic</em>!</div>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-75233475679457572822009-07-27T19:28:00.005-05:002009-07-27T19:35:20.229-05:00"I...am...SO...PISSED...OFF...RIGHT...NOW!!!"So anyway, <em>Star Trek II</em> arrived today - normally cause for celebration indeed...<br /><br />...<strong><em>HOWEVER</em></strong>...<br /><br />I open it, and lo what should I find but - <strong>A BIG FUCKIN' SCRATCH OVER THE LAST 30 MINUTES!!!</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong><em><span style="color:#ff0000;">GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!</span></em></strong><br /><br /><br />must...kill...<br />must...kill...anyone...<br />...anyone...will...do...<br />blood...<br />must...have...blood...Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-33513368693064776932009-07-13T01:40:00.006-05:002009-07-13T07:24:47.362-05:00BWAAAAAAHHHHH?!?!?!First, you were terrified by the <em>horror</em> of the infamous McDonald's Hot Coffee Lawsuit!<br /><br />You couldn't bring yourself to gaze upon the terror that was the Chicken McNugget 911 Call!<br /><br />But <em>NOTHING</em> could prepare you for...<br /><br /><br /><strong><em><u><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/07/13/saudia.arabia.genie.suit/index.html">THIS</a></u></em></strong><br /><strong><em><u></u></em></strong><br /><strong><em><u></u></em></strong><br />Brain. Hurting.<br />Someone. Please. Explain.<br />Too. Much. Stupidity.<br />Common...Sense...<br /><br />...failing...<br /> <br /><br />__/\__________/\__/\______/\____________________________<br /><br />...<em>"He's dead, Jim."</em>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13536903.post-17454897013914857322009-07-07T03:15:00.010-05:002009-07-07T12:53:48.161-05:00"NO! NO! NO! ...This one goes there, that one goes there! Got it?!"<div align="justify">So anyway, I've been thinking a bit about something Herr V asked me yesterday. Since I had seen <em>Revenge of the Fallen</em> twice, he asked me my opinion on the track sequencing for the score album. I suggested the following (a guess mind you, but a pretty damned good one if I do say so myself):</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />N.E.S.T.</div><div align="justify">The Shard</div><div align="justify">Heed Our Warning</div><div align="justify">Einstein's Wrong</div><div align="justify">The Fallen (I'm not certain this is an actual cue in the film)</div><div align="justify">Forest Battle</div><div align="justify">The Fallen Arrives</div><div align="justify">Tomb of the Primes</div><div align="justify">Precious Cargo</div><div align="justify">Infinite White</div><div align="justify">The Matrix of Leadership</div><div align="justify">I Claim Your Sun</div><div align="justify">I Rise, You Fall</div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />I wasn't sure where to put "Prime". I'm of the opinion that it, like "The Fallen", isn't an actual cue - but a thematic suite. This all got me thinking about track sequencing in general and the sometimes odd decisions that are made by the composer/album producer as to where to put what. It used to be that nearly <em>all</em> albums were sequenced for "listenablility" rather than placed in film order. Lately however, with more and more of the music from the film (typically) going on the CD, the albums are more often being presented in chronological order. </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />I understand the idea of resequencing cues for shorter album presentations. With large chunks of material being left out altogether, it makes perfect sense to rearrange things so that the overall listening experience is heightened. This idea though makes albums like <em>Revenge of the Fallen</em> all the more puzzling and irritating. I commented at length on V's <em>ROTF</em> score post about my frustrations with the album as a whole, so I'll simply reiterate here that I found the album somewhat disappointing. Particularly for it's length - it's blaringly obvious that many of the cues of the album were truncated, giving us sometimes half or less of the music from the scene that the track title eludes to (N.E.S.T. especially pissed me off as it ends just prior *spoiler warning* to Optimus hopping out of the C31 in Shanghai to kick some Decepticon ass!). And it's even <em>more </em>obvious that a <em>BIG </em>chunk of the score was left off altogether. So...the album is obviously sequenced out of film order, but...why?! The placement of the cues on the CD is such that it stacks most of the more exciting material at the end, leaving a sort of void in the middle. I figure if you're gonna fuck with it, at least intersperse an action cue after every couple of non-action cues. </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />John Williams' <em>Star Wars</em> prequel albums were really bad about this sort of thing. Ok, so...obviously we weren't going to get complete score albums at the time of release. Add to that all the tracking-in from <em>The Phantom Menace</em> that occurred with <em>AOTC and ROTS</em> - and the potential for disappointment sails off the chart. I'd still like a definitive answer on how much new (and obviously unused) material Williams wrote for those lengthy sequences at the end of both of those films - as I write this, I'm listening to expanded additions of <em>AOTC </em>and <em>ROTS</em> that I've "acquired". All that tracking-in is <em>really</em> fuckin' odd, and just damned frustrating ...But I digress. The albums stacked any and all new thematic suites at the front of the album - ok, sure...I get that. And it's not that the album tracks were presented out of order, it's that the music within many of the tracks was cut and pasted together from all-the-fuck-over the movies! The "Main Titles" were really bad - sure it'd start out with the main title, then rather than presenting the music that accompanied the opening scene, it would jump to a cue from 20 frickin' minutes later in the movie! Zimmer splices cues together in a similar manner; been doing it for almost every album he's put out - but at least his music isn't all that thematically dense, so it's not so jarringly obvious when cues from multiple sequences have been merged. </div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"><br />Michael Giacchino's <em>Star Trek </em>is another great example. The tracks are presented in film order. The music within those tracks isn't a product of cue splicing from various parts of the picture. Many of them however are <em>very</em> cropped. Then there's the issue of the fact that <em>most</em> of the middle act of the film is MIA. And it's short...<em>too </em>fucking short! I think most of us would argue in favor of a 70+minute album for this one...it's <em>that </em>good! But, given what we ended up getting, the result makes for quite a good listen. The middle act of <em>Star Trek</em>, like most middle acts, is full of exposition. The music for those scenes reflects this. So, I guess I'd argue in favor of keeping the album shorter in that regard, especially if they weren't planning on giving us the complete (or nearly so) score. And sensibly, what we did get constituted mostly action music, so the album never gets a bogged-down-in-the-middle sort of feeling. I suppose in my mind a good rule of thumb would be: If your score album is going to contain 60 or more minutes of music, you <em>absolutely</em> should sequence the tracks in film order. Logically, this makes perfect sense - the music (in theory...assuming the composer knows what he/she is doing) should match the ebb and flow of the drama/action on screen. So with a lengthy album, there should theoretically be a good sampling of music from all over the film - a good listening experience will just occur naturally. If your score album is going to be short - stack it with a good sampling of the more exciting material, then order it for listenablility. That's my two cents anyway...</div>Mikey the Pikeyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14659469385776320703noreply@blogger.com4