Boredom Part Deux, A Game

So, anyway, given my propensity for extreme bouts of boredom, and given that our little sewing circle here fancies itself a bunch of film-philes, I offer…a game.



Below you’ll find 10 quotes, one-liners, or short scenes from films. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to identify said films based on the dialogue. Bonus points will be given to those who can identify the character names, which have been omitted for difficulty, involved therein. Double bonus will be given (in the extremely unlikely event) for any corrections to the dialogue in question. In most cases, characters will me reduced to things like “man #1” or “woman #2”. If said character has a title, and said title doesn’t reveal too much about the aforementioned character, that title will be used (e.g. “Dr.” or “Queen”, etc.). You may not use any web material for solutions (aside from asking each other for help that is). Only the contents of your own mind, or shared knowledge from the group, are acceptable. I know that’s a hard rule to enforce, but in the spirit of fun and fairness, please adhere to it – call it an honor system. The person with the highest score after a week, or the first person to complete the game will (or may) restart the game with their own quotes in their own category, but must adhere to the previously stated rules.

For this game, the category is: Comedies. One of them isn’t a comedy per se, but has a hell of a lot of great one-liners. I’ll ‘give’ you the first one as a throwaway:


1.

Man #1: “Sir, are we being too literal?”

Man #2: “No you fool, we were told to comb the desert, so we’re combing it. FOUND ANYTHING YET?!?!"

Man #3: “Nothing yet, sir!!!”

Man #2: “HOW ‘BOUT YOU, YOU FIND ANYTHING YET?!”

Man #4: “Not a thing, SIR!!!”

Man #2: “OK, HOW ABOUT YOU GUYS?!”

Man #5: “WE AIN’T FOUND SHIT!!!”

2.

Dr. Flamont: “Now go my son. If they catch you here, your life will be worth less than a truck-load of dead rats in a tampon factory!”.

3.

Mrs. Bickerman: “You know, if I had a dick, this is where I’d tell you to suck it!”

4.

Ronnie Cammareri: “I don’t care…I ain’t no freakin’ monument to justice! I LOST MY HAND! I LOST MY BRIDE! JOHNNY HAS HIS HAND; JOHNNY HAS HIS BRIDE! YOU WANT ME TO TAKE MY HEARTACHE, PUT IT AWAY AND FORGET?!?!?!”

5.

Del: “You play with your balls a lot!”
Neal: “I DO NOT!”
Del: “Larry Bird doesn’t do as much ball handling in one night as you do in an hour!”
Neal: “Are you trying to start a fight?”
Del: “NO! I’m simply stating a fact, that's all; you fidget with your nuts a lot!”
Neal: “You know what would be nice…”
Del: “Another pair of balls and an extra set of fingers - HA HA HA HA!?”

6.

Cerrano: “I’m pissed off now Jobu! Look, I’m good to you…I stick up for you. But you no help me now…I say fuck you Jobu! I do it myself!”

7.

Garland: “He’s a font of misplaced rage. Name your cliché: ‘Mother held him too much...or not enough. Last picked at kickball. Late night sneaky uncle’ or whatever. Now, moments of levity actually cause him pain…gives him headaches. Happiness for that gentleman hurts.”
Cameron: “What the hell’s wrong with him, man?!”
Baby-O: “My first guess would be…a lot!!!”

8.

Lt.: “Alright, goddammit, for the last time, was there, or wasn’t there a woman?!”
Dave: “Are you serious?!”
Lt.: “Yes, dammit, I’m serious!!!”
Dave: “Fuzzy-Wuzzy was a woman?!”
Lt.: “What the hell is he talkin’ about?!”
Wally: “He’s gotta read your lips; you’re talkin’ too fast!”
Lt.: “Ok, fine! Was…there…or…was-n’t…there…a…woh-man…pres…ent?!”
Dave: “Yes…there…was…a…wo…man…pre…sent.”
Lt.: “Why the hell’s he talkin’ like that?!”
Wally: “Be…cause…he’s…deaf-ff…not…stooo…pidd!!!”

9.

Frau: “Vould you care for some braaandy, before I say goodnight?”
Dr.: “No…thank you.”
Frau: “Some varm miiillk……perhapsssss.”
Dr.: “NO! Thank you! I’m fine!”
Frau: “…OVALTINE!!!”
Dr.: “NOTHING!!! …I’m a little tired, I would like to go to bed.”
Frau: “Zen I vill say…Goodnight.”
Dr.: “GOODNIGHT….”

10.

Earl: “Dammit now you’re never gonna find a good woman unless she meets the stupid qualifications of that Debbie Lynn Dexter…”
Val: “TAMMY…SUE…BAXTER…!!!”
Earl: “Oh, whatever!!! They’re all the same…dead weight! ‘Ooh, look…I broke a nail'…ugh, makes my skin crawl!”
Val: “Well what can I say, I’m a victim of circumstance!”
Earl: “I thought you called it your pecker!!!”

I Need A New Hobby!

So anyway, as a bit of an addendum to the commentary on Vogler's John Williams birthday celebration from the other day, I've discovered this morning (thanks to Brad's weblink) that of the 101 films in his filmography, I have 79 on CD. Of the remaining 22, only 9 have ever seen any kind of CD release (and all but 4 of those are bootlegs). The Poseidon Adventure from FSM also contains tracks from Conrack and The Paper Chase (that makes three of the four). The fourth as I recently discovered is a Varese release of his Tom Sawyer adaptation that, surprisingly enough, is still available! I have everything (in one form - ahem *puts on guilty face*- or another) from about 1976 on up.

I need help...really! I've actually justified (in my mind) having to shell out the $100+ (each) it's going to cost me to get a copy of Poseidon and a legit copy for FSM's Towering Inferno. The rest I'll get eventually. It's like crack. I have to have them ("I got these cheeseburgers maaan!"). I believe Brad once made a referrence to collecting CD's like bottlecaps. That's me! Call me Bottlecap Boy! I've thought about taking up archery. The trouble would be avoiding the temptation to actually shoot somebody! Oh, and it's pricey (a good starter bow costs upwards of $350 - then there's targets...live ones are free, but the man tends to frown on that sort of thing, hehe - arrows, tips, miscellaneous supplies).

So um...yeah! I need a new hobby, something cheaper preferrably. Any suggestions!?!?(masturbation is not a hobby - it could I suppose be a contact sport...but I haven't got the knees for contact sports anymore!).

The Chuck Norris Fact...O'The Day

And now for the Chuck Norris Fact......O'The Day:

For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

And now for a REALLY touchy subject...

So anyway, as those from this area are no doubt aware, a temporary stay of execution has been granted for Michael Taylor, one of the men convicted of raping and murdering Ann Harrison in 1989. For those not familiar with the case (it made national news, but it was 17 years ago after all) Ann was a 15 year-old girl kidnapped from her bus stop by Taylor and friend Roderick Nunley. They then proceeded to take her to a house and basically torture her for 90 or so minutes finally stabbing her to death (unofficial accounts say she was stabbed over 40 times). Her body was left in the trunk of the stolen car they abducted her in and found three days later. This hits particularly close to home for me because Ann went to my high school. Her house at the time was about a mile from mine. Hell, one of my groomsmen dated her little sister for three years. I can still see the memorial garden in the courtyard of our high school in my mind. My mom, like half of those in the school district, wouldn’t let me ride the bus in the mornings for weeks.

Taylor’s parents (understandably, I suppose) have been making a pretty big push to get him out of his sentence. They’re primary argument is that he and Nunley were strung out on crack at the time and, as a result of that and other circumstances, didn’t realize what they were doing. On top of all that, they’re playing the race card as well saying that Taylor being black and Ann being white factored highly in his sentencing. Bullshit. Honestly, I don’t care. I have to say, and I know that this isn’t a “popular” opinion right now, that I think they deserve to die, horribly at that (there’s a famous Samuel L. Jackson line coming to mind right now…you guess!). There’s a big debate nationwide lately as to whether or not lethal injections are inhumane. Fuck that…these two guys deserve to have their balls stuffed down their throats until they suffocate. They both confessed to the crime (indicating the other as the ‘killer’ naturally). They both plead guilty in court. Sitting in a 5’X 8’ prison cell for the remainder of their days just isn’t good enough. Ann Harrison, by Taylor’s own confession, begged for them to stop raping her. She begged for them to stop beating her, and mutilating her. She begged for her life, and they did what they did anyway. DIE…that’s it. That’s all there is to it. You, Michael Taylor, deserve to die, as does your pal Nunley. You are a waste of skin and space. I know killing you won’t bring her back. It won’t undo what was done, it probably won’t truly give Ann’s parents a piece of mind…but what else is there to do.

The death penalty is one colossal can of worms. Here’s my viewpoint on the subject. Personally, I’m completely for it, with stipulations. Chiefly among those that there be absolutely no uncertainty whatsoever that the person being put to death is guilty of the crime for which they are being punished. I think in the end, the decision should involve the family of the victim. If the parents of a murdered child would prefer that their child’s killer spend the rest of his/her days in a concrete box, that should be their prerogative. I think the method of execution should match the crime. I think that capital punishment should be extended to include sexual predators and all crimes against children. Giving a child rapist and murderer a shot like some old dog is a ridiculous concept to the most spectacular degree. If the government is going to keep a criminal like this on death row for an extended period awaiting their fate, then that period should include a life of pain rivaled only by the darkest circles of hell. Their death should be as terrible and terror inducing as can be thought of. What can I say…I’m a sadist!

There are a million arguments about what justice is or isn’t. I’m not here to debate any of that today. I’m just getting a little anger off my chest really. I know that everyone is entitled to their opinion, and that every death row inmate is someone else’s son, or daughter, or father, or mother, etc. But in a case like this I can’t help but be completely incensed that someone out there thinks that these animals deserve better. I’m a father now. I know I’d never stop loving my son, even if (God forbid) he committed an atrocity like this. But in the end, I think I’d probably accept his fate and never stop cursing myself for whatever horrible wrong I did him that put him into that position. I’d have to live the rest of my days believing that I in fact was the one who did something wrong. And I honestly don't know if I could deny a victim's family their peace of mind.

Given my latest postings, one might be led to believe that I’m a very angry person. I’m not…really!!! I just keep running into stories like this that put me in the bad place. So please, somebody, give me some good news to get excited about…for the love of God, PLEASE!!!

What?! NO 'FISH'?!?!

So anyway, thought I'd throw a couple of cents into the Oscar pot.

The mad-dog-crazy Johnny fan in me thinks he'll bring home number six, but the cynic in me knows that "Music for Fudge-Packing Ranch Hands" will likely win. But, never underestimate the Academy members' ability to surprise you, case in point: Elliot Goldenthal for Frida!

I love Goldenthal, he's my, well...fourth favorite composer (behind Big John, Jerry, and Basil P.). But I wouldn't say that Frida represents a landmark acheivment in his career. If anything, Final Fantasy is, arguably of course, his best score.And of course it got completely snubbed because of the overwhelmingly horrid response to the movie. Frida was, like so many winners anymore, more of a "Sorry your little movie isn't going to win any big awards, so here take this one" award. With luck though, that may happen for Johnny and Memoirs.

I'm really kind of bent about Revenge of the Sith being snubbed for the FX award. I loved Kong, thought WETA did a slam-bang job, but overall, I still think Sith had the better work (and that's not just the Star Wars geek in me talking - mostly).

And now for something I'm really pissed about. Firstly, I must have missed a press release or something because I didn't know the Best Song category was being bumped down to 3 this year. That in and of itself isn't a big deal. But in my humble opinion, "So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish" from Hitchhiker's Guide is/was clearly the most interesting and original song this year, and perhaps in the last several. Besides being laugh-out-loud funny, it was really damn good. It just sucks that poor response for a film can ruin it's chances for just about any award. At the very least, they could've nominated it and then snubbed it for some crap Phil Collins song or something!

And Now From the "So Cute You Could Puke!" File

I doubt anyone really cares. But what the hell I can't help myself!

The Chuck Norris Fact O'The Day

And now for the Chuck Norris fact......O'The Day:


Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "Who has the most balls?" contest and won by 5!

A Rant (Parental Advisory: Explicit Content)

So anyway, I just want to vent for a moment, if I may. You know what the true definition of a worthless cocksucker is? It’s one of these swindler, lowlife, complete waste of skin motherfucker lawyers who specializes in getting other lowlife waste of skin motherfuckers (with lead feet, no less) their driver’s licenses back. You hear their ad’s on the radio all the time. One, off the top of my head, some local ass clown named Jeff Jarrett (sp?), even has a fucking jingle (his numbers 342-EASY – should anyone want to harass his office for being the asshole enablers that they are). You get this 30-second spot of airtime where they tout being able to fix everything from speeding violators to D.U.I.’s. How is this even legal?!?! If some jackass gets his card ripped for drunk driving, serves him right. He’s a menace. He made the decision to steer a ton of steel, plastic and rubber into traffic while intoxicated. And while we’re on the subject, I’m of the opinion that the psychotic “I can’t drive 155” dickhead is any better. People who adamantly refuse to drive any less than 20mph over the speed limit, deserve to have their car driven up their ass at 90. If you’re that goddamned late all the time, start leaving earlier fucker! So who the hell is some scheister pigfucker lawyer to get these people their license back? Hey buddy, you fucked up, tough shit, take the bus for the rest of your days you inconsiderate prick! And you, the buttpirate with the law degree, try putting it to some real use like putting criminal in jail. I can’t help but hope there’s a special circle of hell for “attorneys” that specialize in this kind of bullshit. And now that I dwell on it for a minute, I’m not sure who’s worse - the lawyer cocksuckers, the menace-to-society-shouldn’t-be-allowed-to-operate-a-weedwacker-unsupervised drunk cocksuckers, or the radio stations that accept their money for airtime cocksuckers.

Anyway…I feel better now!

Chuck Norris Fact O'The Day

And now, the Chuck Norris Fact......O'The Day:


Chuck Norris is the only know mammal in history to have an opposable thumb...


...ON HIS PENIS!!!

Double Penetration

So anyway, The Pikey finally got to return to his happy place this past weekend…that’s right, I saw a movie. The Pikey is happy, the Pikey is muy muy happy! Actually, I saw two! Sunday afternoon, Sam and I finally caught the mighty Kong. I think Brad’s previous review basically sums up my thoughts on the thing as a whole, except to say that I have seen Naomi Watts in several other things (mmm…Mulholland Drive, lesbians, mmm…anyway) and indeed, she is truly an great talent. If anything though, I was a little underwhelmed by the casting overall. Talent only gets you so far in a film, and sometimes, a little shallowness needs to factor in in that it actually helps on occasion if the leads are pleasant to look at. Brody’s an excellent actor, but he’s a bit of a dork. Jack Black surprised me in his ability to pull off drama, but he’s still something of a troll. And Naomi is lovely, but she’s no Faye Raye, and she is definitely not Jessica Lange (who may have been one of the most gorgeous women in the world circa 1976 – the year of the first remake btw). But that’s a bit of a can of worms isn’t it? The ’76 remake was a shitbomb if ever there was one. The only thing it had going for it was Lange, and her mostly-neked-ness for a large portion of the middle act. This movie was too Hollywood not to have some serious Hollywood glam and star power in front of the cameras. I guess I just felt that they didn’t reconcile balancing that fine line between leads who are interesting because of how they look and fit the part physically, and leads who are interesting because of how good they perform and fit the part dramatically. I did however particularly enjoy Andy Serkis’ little role as the cook (particularly his, umm…exit). I’d forgotten (after being so used to hearing him as Gollum), how much of a deep baritone his natural speaking voice is – particularly with that thick Aussie/New Zealand accent. Anyway…

That’s not why I’m here today, today I really want to talk about what I saw Saturday…Munich. This is the second time Mr. Spielberg has had me leaving the theater thinking I’ve just witnessed something truly amazing, historic, and significant (the first being Schindler’s List). Spielberg the artist has never fared as well financially as Spielberg the childlike-storyteller, but that’s okay, overall I usually prefer the artist – those films are more satisfying dramatically. The usual players are back. Big John has crafted and eloquent and heart-wrenching score (even more so within the context of the film itself). It’s simultaneously subtle and dramatic – Jewish, but in a more modern sort of way, not rehashing anything really from Schindler’s List. Not having seen Memoirs of a Geisha, it’s hard to make a comparison as to which is better. If I were to go by soundtrack album alone, I’d lean towards Memoirs. It's likely the only thing keeping Johnny from Oscar gold this year is the horrible press Memoirs is getting. Janusz Kaminski is back behind the camera. Thankfully, only one over-exposed lens flare shows up (and in a neat sort of way, it’s actually just an accented reflection of the sunlight off of one of the main character’s glasses). Don’t get me wrong, Kaminski’s a hell of a D.P., but the glow thing got old three or four movies ago. Mike Kahn deserves at least an Oscar nom for his editing. Given the circumstances of the whirlwind shoot and postproduction period, it’s amazing he was able to make sense out of anything let alone cut the brilliant final presentation that is.

At the heart of Munich lie two points, or rather one point, and one question. The point being that evil usually begets evil, and the question is, “What is a terrorist?” It doesn't try to solve the problem, it just presents it, without reservation or judgement, and asks the viewer to decide. And it presents them in a way that is in no way pretentious, and avoids shoving them in your face or down your throat. It’s funny that the Israelis, whom in 1993 declared Spielberg a hero of the state for Schindler’s List, now just 12 years later are condemning him for being too “sympathetic” to the plight of the Palestinian terrorists. Equally funny is that the entire Arab community is lambasting him as well for “not getting the story right”! I think in most respects they're both full of shit. But appreciate for a moment if you will the irony in that hating an American movie about a shared event in recent history is something they both can finally agree upon. The film is, as is presented by the opening title card, ‘inspired’ by real events. In this case it’s a dramatization of the book Vengence, by George Jonas (which was previously dramatized about 20 years ago in the form of a bad made for T.V. two-night-er called Sword of Gideon). The book, which I’ve never read, is, according to the Arab Community (read: Black September – the terrorist cell in question) full of inaccuracies and downright lies…geez, go figure! The Israelis deny that any of it ever happened…geez…go figure! I can’t recall if Jonas was an actual member of the Mossad (sp?) involved in the retaliations, or if he just collected the information from (supposed) members involved and published it.

At any rate, as I said previously, both the Israelis and Arab community are full of it. If anything, this film severely chastises both sides for their actions. Black September kills the 11 hostages, Israel responds publicly by bombing several terrorist training camps. They respond secretly by forming assassination squads to take out key members of Black September. The terrorists respond to the Israeli response by bombing and killing Israeli diplomats and operatives. It goes back and forth. There’s no end in sight. Both sides feel justified in their actions. But…it’s taking its toll. How much retribution can a human soul handle…that’s the real question isn’t it? A review I read before seeing the film took issue with a particular scene towards the end of the film. In it, the main character Avner (Bana) is having sex with his wife whom he’s barely seen in two years. As they’re copulating, his mind keeps flashing to the final moments at the Munich Airport where the hostages were killed. Keep in mind he wasn’t there, he had no first hand knowledge of the events that took place, but being an agent of the Mossad (again, sp?), he was privy to all the reports of said events. In his mind, he sees everything go down, the botched rescue attempt, the assassination of the hostages, the killing of the terrorists. It drives him mad. He begins pounding all of his hate, his fear, his contempt, and outrage and despair into his wife…which she mistakes for passion. The reviewer essentially thought it was a silly and pointless scene, which to me says, he didn’t get it…at all! Avner’s mission is over. His team was to assassinate 11 high ranking men within Black September, one official for every Olympian. He got seven of them, losing three members of his own team in the process. Now he’s been released. But the task has consumed him. It’s all he can think of, and it’s all he is now. He had become what he was tasked to destroy, and now his life is a shell, full of paranoia, fear, rage, and regret. You’d think after all that this movie would be a bit of a downer, but at heart, it’s not really. If anything, it’s a call to those two warring communities to look at what they’ve become, and try to stop fighting and talk. I personally think it’s a futile request, but what the hell, Spielberg gave it a shot. Too bad they won't get it.

It’s kind of a shame really. Any other given year and Munich would be a shoe-in for Best Picture. For such a rush job, Spielberg really poured his heart and soul into this, much as he did for Schindler’s List. But as I recall, Schindler’s production was a tad on the quick side as well (excluding the fact that Spielberg admitted that it took almost 10 years to work up the nerve to film the thing). Maybe that’s when the man works best, under pressure. And it’s refreshing to see he didn’t pull any punches, and wasn’t afraid to leave his childlike sensibilities at home. Regrettably, this film likely won’t receive the acclaim it deserves. I’m sure Brokeback Mountain is fascinating. I think Ang Lee is a fantastic director, and Gyllenhaal is certainly developing some fine drama chops. I certainly have no qualms about its subject matter, and am looking forward to its release on DVD, but I can’t help but think it’s riding this West Coast/Hollywood PR Machine/Extreme Leftist/It’s Okay to be Gay Bandwagon. This of course means that Munich is going to be completely sodomized (pun intended) this year by the Academy – even though it’s probably one of the best films to come along in years.