I'd Like A Box of Chaos Please...And Can You Gift Wrap That?!

So anyway, the Christmas shopping season is in full swing (only 10 shopping days left and I'd love to have that new BSX Records release of Basil's A Whale for the Killing - hint, hint). If anyone reading this is offended by my referring to the season as Christmas, rather than 'holiday' or whatever, well...you, and your horse (you can fill in the rest). I'm sorry, it's Christmas shopping season - the Jews aren't out in a frenzy buying Hanukkah gifts. And as for Kwanzaa...fuck Kwanzaa - don't even get me started on fucking Kwanzaa (apologies to those in the black community, but I just don't buy it - please don't bring a protest rally [or riot] to my front door). Anyway, sorry about the tangent there, that wasn't really my point here today.

No, today, being the time of year that it is, I'd like to talk about social experimentation. I had a thought (scary, I know) about how one could more or less mindfuck nearly everyone in the country. I've always felt the $.99 marketing ploy to be one of the most ridiculous and yet simultaneously brilliant ideas ever conceived. Think about it...it's fucking everywhere! You go to the store for a gallon of milk - it's $2.99. No...it's not, it's $3.00. You head to your favorite fast-food restaurant/cholesterol pusher and order something off the $.99 value menu - bullshit man...those nuggets are a fucking dollar! You pump your gas...the price is $2.41(9) a gallon - fuck you Gassy McCon-Man, that gas is $2.42 a gallon. You know it, I know it! I don't know where it started, I don't know when it started. At some point in U.S. history, some marketing wizard (aka Legionnaire of Satan) got the crazy idea that turning a $1.00 item into $.99 would entice Joe (Dumb Schmuck) Customer into buying said item more often. And the kicker - it fucking WORKED!!! Americans (well...most of them) are stupid enough to think that given the choice between a shitburger for $2.00, and the exact same shitburger for $1.99, they're getting the better deal with the latter! That new Pocket Pussy 9000 w/ Super Suck Action sounds way cheaper listed as $99 instead of $100. Well fuck you sales man - I know better!

So, just for fun, I would love to bear witness to the complete and utter chaos that ensues should, for a single day, every item for purchase in the entire country is rounded up to that whole-dollar amount. And just to be fair (and to fuck with people even more), adjust the sales tax on everything so that the consumer is getting that one cent/dollar back. So for example - that Double-headed Wonder Dong Dildo that Gramma's been wanting for Christmas, it now costs $80 instead of $79. But after adjusting sales tax, Bobby and Lucy Grandkid are still paying $79. Well - let's be realistic...mom and dad are paying $80, and they fucking HATE IT! NO ONE IS PAYING ANYTHING EXTRA - IT JUST LOOKS LIKE THEY ARE! I think the result would be brain-numbingly glorious! I honestly don't know how most American consumers would react, but I see it going one of two ways. One: People stop buying shit because, hey "That's just too fuckin' expensive"; or two: People buy it - begrudgingly, but they're sooooooo fucking pissed that they had to spend "all that money" on that butt plug/toaster oven that they just "had to have". There would be hate mail; there would be protests; people would go fucking postal over a goddamned penny...and it would be awesome!

American consumers take seeing a 9 in the price of anything for granted - I don't think they'd know how to react to a 0 except with complete and total disgust, anger, and frustration. There are 9's in everything we buy. Except maybe for Wal-Mart. Those guys basically said, "$5.99? Oh yeah, well fuck you, we're gonna make it $5.98! Let's see who saves the most now motherfucker!" Which is great, I suppose - because, you know, at that rate the average American shopper can save upwards of a hundred bucks or so over the course of 3000 YEARS!!! The American penny is the most worthless hunk of metal on Earth, and I'm a dedicated advocate for getting rid of the little bastard. And yet I don't think that we, as a society, are psychologically prepared to deal with the ramifications of not having that meaningless scruple in our lives. Taking the 9's away would likely have the same effect as the confusion that would result from, say for instance, the federal government announcing that the official American language is Swahili-Pig-Latin (it's Swahili, but spoken in a Pig-Latin manner - how screwed up would that be?)!

See, I think The Joker had the wrong idea. Generally speaking, I don't think a group of people necessarily would kill a boatload of other people to save their own asses (generally speaking - it could happen). I do think that the average American would absolutely go medieval on some poor Mexican kid's* ass over having to pay an extra penny for that cheeseburger from Mickey-fuckin'-D's! Seeing this kind of carnage, chaos, and mayhem would be the best Christmas present EVER!!!

*Honestly, when's the last time you didn't get your food at McDonald's from a Mexican kid?! I can't remember...

If I Were a Tiger

So anyway, not a lot to say on the subject - but I just thought I'd throw my two cents out on it regardless. And besides, I needed something new on my blog...even if it is just fluff. I like fluff (or maybe I just like fluff-ers - guess that's something for a different post entirely). Anyway, I'm fascinated at the mentality of both the American media, and the surprisingly large percentage of our population who's lives seem to hinge on every little piece of bullshit dribble that comes out of it. So now we have Tigergate, or whatever the fuck the "news" outlets are calling it. So he wrecked his car...in his OWN FUCKING FRONT YARD!!! So he's supposedly fucked someone that wasn't his wife...welcome to the human fucking race! Last I heard, about 75% of all men...EVERYWHERE...are unfaithful to someone at some point in their lives! It's nature, guys can't, try as they may, fight 100,000 years of evolution. The natural question would seemingly be (for sensible, logical, intelligent people): what fucking business is it of ours anyway?!?! But alas, we don't live in a sensible, logical, or even remotely fucking intelligent society - so for those people the question seems to be "Why Tiger, WHY?!?!"

Seriously...what the FUCK is wrong with you people?!?!

It's none of your business. It will never be any of your business. It should never be any of your business. It wasn't anyone's business when Clinton got a hummer from Fatty McTrampstamp. Did we, as a people, make it our business? You bet your nosy ass we did!!! The American ideology seems to be that if you are a public figure, fuck the Bill of Rights - fuck life, liberty, and all that - you do not get a private life. And it's wrong...it's just plain wrong. The founding fathers of this country could never have had the foresight to account for the modern "celebrity" when they were drafting our nations laws. I can't help but think that if they had only known...there'd be a helluva lot more stipulations in those first ten amendments in regards to what "freedom of speech" and "freedom of the press" really mean. I suppose I really shouldn't be surprised by any of this. After all we are a nation where the press spends months dedicating front-page "news" to the ever-fluctuating size of [insert female entertainer's name here]'s ass, and how it's deteriorating the moral fabric of our society.

If I were Tiger, there would've been no statements to the police. No statements to the press. No statements to anybody. Were I Tiger, I'd stick to fixing my own shit, in the privacy of my own...well, erm...compound (let's face it, the guy doesn't have a "house", it's too fucking big to just be called a house). The only person he has to answer to right now is his wife. Not me, not you, not anyone else. OK, well I guess he might have a few questions to field from his auto insurance agent. Namely..."What the fuck, dude?!" I suppose that had I been Tiger, and the situation was forced upon me that I had to give a public statement, that I was "compelled" to do so - I would have called together the press conference, got up behind the mic, and told everybody...and I mean EVERYBODY...in the whole, wide world...

...TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES!!!

Then I would've said, "Thank you, and have a pleasant day." 'Cuz you know...that's just polite and all! And I'm a polite guy! He's a fucking BILLIONAIRE for Dogs sake, he can afford to tell people, any people, all people, to fuck off. Remind me to never become famous for anything. Christ, something as simple as the contents of my computer hard drive becoming public would be enough to get me burned at the stake. Or at the very least a public stoning.

OK, I suppose I'm sufficiently fluffed now - thanks Jimmy.

Don't Let the Door Hit You in the Ass on the Way Out

So anyway, I don't normally write about sports. It's boring. Really boring. With the exception of SI's Peter King, I have yet to find anyone in sports writing that can keep my attention for more than a paragraph or so. Add to that that I'm really not much of a sports enthusiast, and one has a solid case against me that I should in no way be writing about any sport of any kind. I don't like basketball...at ALL. I average about one whole hockey game a decade. I don't care that soccer is the most popular sport in the world...it's gay...really gay - Liberace gay. Golf...fuck, don't even get me started on golfing. It's not a sport - it's a game. There's a fucking difference. A sport requires some form of athleticism...of which there is absolutely none in golf. Fuck the textbook definition of a sport, for me, it's defined as something that requires both athleticism and talent. With just one or the other, it ain't a fuckin' sport...it's a game. With golf, you hit a ball with a stick, you walk after it, and hit it again. I can hit a ball with a stick, and I can walk. No one is ever going to accuse me of being an athlete. I don't give a shit that Tiger is a fucking billionaire...he's still not an athlete. So golf...NOT A FUCKING SPORT! I follow baseball just enough to know what's going on, and know which team's I do and don't like and generally why. I know marquee players when I see them, and I like going to Kaufman once in a while to see a live game. That's my world of baseball. I don't buy into the whole "baseball is the 'thinking man's' sport" bullshit. I'll admit, there's a design to it; there's strategy and nuance. But at the end of the day, most sports can say the same thing - it's just that the rest of them have added a certain level of physicality to that idea. Fat guys can play baseball...and be amazing! Do you ever see fat, world-class tennis stars...I don't think so. Sorry, bit of a digression there - point: baseball - sport yes; king of sports...not so much.

Then...there's football - the one sport I follow, particularly our local "team" - and the real subject of my little thought here for today. For me, football is just as intricate as baseball, if not more so. Again I refer back to the physicality of it - I offer that football is just as, if not more "thoughtful" than baseball...they just added a certain, shall we say, gladiator element. Fat guys play football too...they're called linemen, they have to be big in order to keep the other team from getting shit done. I will admit, even after watching football regularly for the better part of 20 years, I still don't understand the play-calling. I still don't have the first-fuck of a clue what a 'play-action' or 'screen play' are. I don't have the faintest idea what the differences between nickel, dime, 3-4, and 4-3 defenses are. But I can follow the game. I know what I'm seeing when plays work, and when they don't - and generally can spot the reason (or player) behind that success or failure. I'm familiar with more than just the marquee players for most of the teams in the league. And even in these "darkest of days", I'm still a die-hard Chiefs fan. They're not making it easy, but they're still my guys. It's times like this that you have to maintain your loyalty to your team - "Harvest is when they need you the most." Anything else, and you're just a 'fair-weather' fan and the team doesn't need you anyway. I hate fair-weather fans...fuck you! Go watch figure skating you prick! Digressing again, I know; anyway... Teams have their "rebuilding" years. KC has been rebuilding for about a decade now. Although in all fairness, I think this year truly meets the criteria for a rebuilding team - what with a new GM, new Head Coach, new (supposed) Superstar QB, and a roster with about 65% new faces (75% of whom are rookies).

So, I went through all of that...to get to this - my point: finally, the moment happened that (I'm guessing) most of Chiefs fandom has been waiting for for almost three years - Larry Johnson was fired yesterday! Hoo-fuckin'-Rah! There comes a time when certain elements or individuals become nothing but poison for a team, and lately, that poison for the Kansas City Chiefs, was RB Larry Johnson. And so they cut him out, like the cancer that he was. For the uninitiated, here's a summarized timeline of "LJ", and please note that it's vague and generalized, at best - I have neither the time, nor interest in looking up the specifics:

2004 (ish) - Priest Holmes is injured, opening the door for RB Johnson (who's spent a season-and-a-half bitching about being second banana to superior back Holmes); it's surmised that had Johnson been given a full season as starter, he might have broken every single-season running record in the league; then-coach Dick Vermeil makes the mistake of analogizing Johnson's newfound starting position to a baby taking off its diapers. Let the whining commence...

2005 & 2006 - Johnson becomes one of the (if not the the) top runners in the league; you can see his head inflate from the International Space Station...

2007 - Johnson holds out of training camp for more money (which is publicly chronicled on HBO's Hard Knocks), opting instead to pimp-it-out in his Miami condo all summer, goofing off and playing Playstation versions of himself; he breaks his foot mid-season...glad we gave him all that extra money!

2008 - Johnson half-asses his way through a rough season...my grandmother could've been a more productive player that year. He publicly trashes both the team and the city; he's suspended 3 games by KC and one additional game by the league stemming from allegations of assaulting a woman in a nightclub; a second assault charge follows as a woman claims he spit in her face; fuck it, he's rich - he can do what he wants, right?!

2009 - Johnson makes nice for the new regime change in KC; still manages to average less than 3-yards-per-carry, running the ball like I would after a big Thanksgiving dinner; October, after getting CREAMED by the Chargers, he uses his Twitter account to publicly bash Head Coach Todd Haley; he then continues his Tweet tirade by responding to all his detractors resulting from said bashing by calling them all faggots...on TWITTER!!! He's suspended for two weeks, resulting in a pay loss of about $630,000; he files a grievance with the team, half the suspension is lifted, he only loses about $300,000.

Yesterday - FIRED!!! See ya, ta-ta, get lost, beat it, toss off, fuck off, get the fuck outta here!

You know, I can't imagine what I would do if I was docked $100 from my paycheck...so losing 300 grand is just unfathomable to me. In the long run, it'll be like a speed bump for Johnson. His contract reneg from 2 years ago guarantees him almost $20 million!!! He's gonna get that money from the Chiefs, and now all he has to do is sit at home with his thumb up his asshole, and watch Sports Center! The only way he really loses in all of this is if he doesn't get picked up by another team - he's 30 this year, and he's an asshole...anything's possible. But not likely. If there's a silver lining, you could even call it justice if you want, it's that he won't have the opportunity to break the Chiefs' all-time rush record (set by Priest Holmes), which he was only about 75 yards from doing. I think every football fan in KC let out a big ol' honkin' sigh of relief on that one.

Fuck Larry Johnson...fuck him in his big, stinky poop chute!

For those keeping score, with this post I've officially matched my blogging output from my first year. That's actually only half-true, seeing as I began here on blogger in June of 2005. So I did as much blogging in half the time. But still...it's kind of a milestone of sorts I guess! Right?!?! (and I'm four posts from 150...that's fairly insignifcant compared to, say, Warrior Bard postings, but, again, a big acheivement for me!)

Grita un Río Pendejo

So anyway, umm...yeah, touchy subject - immigration (of the illegal variety). You may have noticed this little nugget from whatever your favorite news outlet happens to be. I chose CNN.com, whatever your preference for "news" happens to be, hey...whatever, it's cool, but regardless - I'm still fuming. Don't really know why. As a certain, curly-blonde, jolly Viking said in a favorite film of mine, "It's a small matter". But hey, fuck it, sometimes you do have to sweat the small things. So, for the record...lemme see if I have this straight - and I'll save my thoughts on the apparent fact that advocacy groups for illegal immigrants even exist for another time, anyway - you people (the aforementioned immigrants) are upset, that a Halloween costume, a lame one at that, might be offensive to millions of illegals (particularly of the, erm, south-o-the-border variety) and want it pulled off the store shelves. It's...a costume, of a "little green man", with a, ahem, green card...in a GITMO jumpsuit. It's...a...costume, an alien costume - and not some sort of Pancho Villa get-up, rolled up in a tortilla, and shoved up a giant rubber anus. That is what you're upset about? Really? Hrmm...

So naturally, my immediate thought is, well...FUCK YOU!!! It's...a fucking costume, mildly clever at best. And it's insensitive to your person because, let's see - it disrespects your status as an ILLEGAL FUCKING IMMIGRANT!!! Here's a bold thought - you don't like it, you could always, oh I dunno...GO THE FUCK HOME! If I'm not mistaken, you, el inmigrante ilegal del pendejo gigante (sorry if I offended anyone with my Babelfish Spanish there...oh wait, no I'm not!!!) aren't even supposed to be here. And please, spare me the whole "this country was built on the backs of immigrants" bullshit. You're right, it was...legal ones. They came through Ellis, or wherever, filled out their paperwork, became part of the system, paid their taxes, did every-fucking-thing they had to do to be an official, recognized citizen of this land. My dad was third generation off the boat from Ireland. His great-grandfather came through Ellis (I've seen the paperwork). What does any of that mean - hell, I don't know, I just know I'm sick of piss-ant, bullshit, crybaby illegals whining about ANY mistreatment while living here in the U.S.

Look, I'm all for cultural diversity; I'm totally for seeking a better life in the land of opportunity; but for fuck's sake - get a fucking green card! Is it really that hard?!?! If it is that hard, then, once again, I refer to my previous sentiment...fuck you. You are not a citizen of this country; you are living here illegally; you are working here illegally; you are not paying the taxes that support the benefits you are receiving. You do not get to complain. You get no say...in ANYTHING. So shut-the-fuck-up and get back to serving me my McBurger and picking my produce fucker! Now...where's the nearest costume shop?!

Horribly Morbid and Deranged Thought for the Day

So anyway, sure - hardly anyone's watching Heroes anymore. Me, I'm giving it until the mid-season break before I decide whether or not I want to give up on it for good. Anyway, a promo for an upcoming episode shows The Cheerleader getting in on some hot, steamy, college-roommate, lesbian-experimentation smoochy smooch action...and it got me thinking...

...with her powers of regeneration, and the fact that (barring a total decapitation) she can't die - she could be the first girl to have a career in the snuff film "industry"!!! Think about it - first, she's unnaturally hot - that kind of fine defies some law of nature somewhere. Then, typical amateur porn film set up - hot cheerleader/co-ed/schoolgirl/delivery girl (whatever), banging away on some douche in a sleazy motel room. He blows his load, then blows her brains out (or slits her throat, puts one in her chest, stabs her to death...whatever). Someone yells cut...she sits up and all nonchalantly asks, "How was that?!" Sleazebag director says, "Great stuff Claire - pick up your pay in the next room...see you next week!"

She could totally make a killing at it (not sure if that pun was intended or not)!

She Must Be Stopped

So anyway, I don't know if you've seen her. I don't know who she is. I don't know where she comes from - I'm guessing the darkest circle in all of hell. I don't know what her plan is. Mind control? Death by sensory overload? WORLD DOMINATION?!?! You tell me. But she is everywhere...and nowhere. She is everyone...and she is no one. She is evil; she is a succubus; she is the Dark One; she is the worm, feasting its way into the core of our society. She will destroy us all...and she must be stopped. Join me...join me in my struggle. Rally to the cause. Only together, as a whole, can we hope to defeat this plague upon mankind. Individually, she will devour our souls - leave us as but empty, rotting shells to be cast into the soil. But together - we just may have a chance. JOIN ME!!! Let us stand together, united against this blight upon our world!!!

I'm of course talking about...

...the cute little Asian girl from those new Windows 7 commercials (who were you thinking of?)! You can see her here. I'm telling you, there's something not right with that little shit! Seriously, that kid is too cute, and WAAAAAAAAAAAY too-the-fuck-smart to not be the Antichrist! She's gotta be what...6...tops?!?! Just watch her - it's not natural for a child that age to put together a PowerPoint demo like that - it just has to be the work of Satan and his League of Evil (or Glenn Beck...take your pick)!!! Hell...I couldn't put something like that together - and I'm really good with that shit! AND - she's totally adorable, which immediately says to me... Hellspawn. It's just not natural - therefore it must be wrong...and it must be stopped. I used to think that that goddamned Penis-Pill Bob was the harbinger of our doom - seems we've managed to stave off that toothy-grinning, nemesis bastard. But alas, PPB was just that, a simple messenger - sent to warn us of the coming darkness that would befall mankind...

...in the form of a sweet, tiny, Asian-American, kindergarten girl. Nope...wouldn't have seen that one coming. Uh-uh...not it a million years. Eat your fuckin' heart out Shyamalan - that's a "paradigm shift" (his words, not mine) for all time!

She must be stopped...join the fight! ("Service guarantees Citizenship!")

"Owwww, My ASS!!!"

So anyway, after this morning, I'm thinking there should be some sort of unwritten rule - call it a universally accepted natural law if you will - that there should be a limit on the number of ginormous shits you can have in a 24-hour period. Seriously! Late yesterday afternoon I had, what can only be described as the scat version of John Holmes, rip my poor, tender anus asunder. Then this morning, I was - and I don't use the term lightly - violated by Brown Ron Jeremy! I feel like I should buy stock in whoever makes A & D Ointment! There aren't enough bags of ice in the fucking world right now! It was as if two of the four horsemen entered our realm by drilling through my ass! Fecus Mortis - the death shit (where's that fucking spell in Harry Potter, I ask you?!)! I haven't been over-eating, and I'm regular. So what did I do to deserve such torture?! Is there some lesser-known God out there that I've offended - is Cornholus, God of the Atomic Shite (probably found on the same page as Bill, Lord of Postage Stamps), angry with me?!! I guess I should be glad I'm not Jewish, I'd be suffering from some twisted form of neurotic Poo-Envy (yeah, they were that big!). At this point I can't help but empathize with the many various young ladies in adult film who over the years have had to endure such probing repeatedly and for hours on end. It's almost enough for me to reconsider my stance on the whole "backdoor love"...thing!

BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! OK, yeah...even I didn't buy that one! There isn't a big enough turd in the world to make me stop loving some good ol' fashion rear-entry rendering ("sometimes, if you're in the heat of the moment...it's ok to go ass-to-mouth." tee-hee!!!)!!! Hey...don't look at me like that. No. NO!!! Stop it! You chose to come here. You've been following my posts for God only knows how long - you should know that a weird one is always lurking around the corner. I've been "normal" for waaaaaaaayyyyyy the fuck too long - this blog was due for some off-the-wall, freaky, mind-fucked, disgusting insanity. You should know by now...diving off the deep end doesn't cut it for this blog. No, no, no...I take the deep end, kill it, skin it, fuck it, then eat it - in that order! So, caveat lector, as it were - "Shana, they bought their tickets...they knew what they were getting in to! I say, 'LET 'EM CRASH'". Still, could've been worse - could've been the hot-pepper squirts! The proverbial "brown lava of doom" you know. I'll take poo-sodomy-rape any day over that!!! Sorry, it's late (or early, depending on your point of view), and these are the things that go through my mind when I'm tired and bored. Sue me!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming...

Fun with Revishunist Histuree

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Shuffle Mode

So anyway, I thought just for fun I'd randomly just jot down things as they came to me over the course of my evening/morning here at work because well...because why the fuck not! So without further ado (a break/new paragraph will indicate a pause in thought - or pause to, you know, actually work!):

Goddamn it anyway - this Matrix Reloaded complete score that I, ahem, acquired is fucking awesome! It might just be as good or better than the first one - which you wouldn't know thanks to that crap album Warner Bros put out. I could listen to another 10 minutes of that alternate "Burly Brawl" - amazing stuff.

Awww...fuck man! See, that's what I get for being a dirty fucking pirate like Brad - I'm missing all the electronica/techno/fusion cues on my iPod. Why?!?! Because I forgot that they weren't composed by Don Davis!!! So naturally - I didn't pull them onto my iPod from iTunes (that's too many fucking 'i'S' in my life) - there are big fuck holes in the score now...shit, shit, shit, shit, shit...

Ok, so...yeah, I know my nights have gotten pretty fucking slow over the last couple of months - but this is ridiculous! I REALLY need to find a way to find something more interesting to do on my computer besides playing solitaire and (fucking) minesweeper all goddamned night! Hell, I'll take frakkin' checkers at this point - just give me something new to do!!!

Dude, my teacher for my 'computer' class at Longview is a total fucking Cougar!!! Went to class tonight - there she is: bleached blonde; athletic build; fake baked; (guessing) late 40's; tight, short dress; and for ze Piece de Resistance...patent red 5-inch 'fuck me' pumps! AAAAAANNNNND...she teaches HIGH SCHOOL during the day (freshman classes to boot!)!!! She probably had a mass exodus of boys leaving her classes today heading straight for the bathroom stalls to hammer out knuckle-children like it was going out of fucking style!!!

Can't say enough good things about District 9; GODDAMMIT what a great movie - I'm diggin' the score (it's available for $7.99 on iTunes btw). Sure, it's kinda derivative, and quite obviously a product of the temp track (Batman Begins anyone!), but it's all very well made - especially on that tiny little $30 million (HA!) budget.

Hrmm - wailing man...that's new...

One problem I do have with it actually has little to do with the film itself, and comes from a comment Clinton Shorter made to Film Score Monthly online for this month's interview segment. He said that during the production process, he tried creating a more melodic score, but [director] Blomkamp kept coming back and saying "It sounds like fucking E.T.!!!" Which to me is a somewhat frightening and kinda sad look into the mindset of young filmmakers today. Firstly, never use E.T. as an analogy for something "bad" about film music - it makes you look/sound ignorant and stupid. Anyway, younger directors seem to have lost (or maybe never had) a real feel and appreciation for the craft of making orchestral film music. Shorter tried and tried to create 'authentic' ethnic sounds for the score, but Blomkamp insisted on "darker" and "heavier" drums, and stock string ostinati - resulting in the (generic) Media Ventures-esque sound that accompanied the final film.

I'm a little off of listening to music lately. Been shuffling a lot of comedy on my iPod. Guess maybe it's a little disheartening to hear so much great music being performed...and NONE OF IT IS MINE!!! Anyway, really digging on Patton Oswalt, Lew Black (naturally), Mitch Hedberg (RIP man), and Maria Bamford lately (dat chick is like so crasy mang!).

And of course, the always awesome (as a hot dog) Mr. Edward Izzard. I really want to get my hands on his Sexie album. It's only available as an import - but, fuck it, it's Eddie Izzard, it has to be worth the price!

So...sleepy - must...have...Mountain...Dew...or maybe...an eightball...

I don't mean to offend, but I've just about come to the conclusion that black people don't sleep (hey, I said this would be random). I mean seriously...DUDE - who the hell are you talking to at this time of night?! I don't know anybody, and I mean ANYBODY, that would be anything short of fucking hostile if I called them just to shoot the shit at 4 in the fucking morning!

It's nice and all that I found a workaround to get on Facebook here at work, but unfortunately I still can't IM anyone - not that anyone on my friend's list would be up right now to chat anyway.

Uggghhh...one chalupa too many last night methinks.

So I'm assuming everyone's seen the Avatar teaser by now. It looks pretty cool, but I have to say, if I hadn't been following what it's about on the net over the last few months, the teaser would be fucking weird as get-all. I mean really - to the uninformed, it looks like the Aliens Marines Vs. Giant Smurf Alien People, whaaaaaaaa?!?!

GAAAHH! My mom's turning my son into a java junkie - why God, WHHHHHHYYYYY?!?! He's wired enough as it is goddammit!

"Marijuana users being condescending to alcoholics - that's a little hypocritical isn't it!? It's kinda like Idi Amin looking at Gandhi and going 'You're too intense!'" - Robin Williams (1984, at the Met)...that's funny shit!

Shouldn't it have been obvious to The Architect that there was something special about Neo, something different from all the past iterations of The Chosen One? Little clues sprinkled all over the place - like the fact that during his first fight with the "new" agents, he was able to recognize that they were 'upgrades'. If Neo was just like all the previous incarnations, shouldn't those upgraded agents have already been written into the Matrix? The Matrix shouldn't have needed improved code to attempt to deal with him. The sequels are a lot smarter than most people give them credit for. Ok, so I'm probably thinking too hard about this shit!

Ok, so before this gets long (HA - too late!), I'm gonna check out. I'll be back later...yeah, we'll just go with later...with my thoughts on Inglourious Basterds.

Define Irony (Part-o Numero Dos...o)

So anyway, as I'm sure you've all heard...people are REALLY fucking stupid! Case in point - this little nugget. It seems that this woman left her dog in her car on a hot day and - whodafuckinthunkit - it died!!! I left a burrito in a hot car once...it exploded - I suppose that's similar. Eh...no?! OK, well whatever. The kicker in all this - she's the CEO of the Richmond, VA chapter of the FUCKING SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF CRUELTY TO ANIMALS (note, I originally had that last 'fucking' between 'to' and 'animals' - which is just silly because let's face it...all animals are fucking animals right?!)!!!!!

How...exactly...does one, erm...qualify to lead an organization such as the SPCA? Do you have to be friends with George W. Bush? Is there a test? Is it multiple choice? Is it graded on some kind of bell curve? Shouldn't said hypothetical test have a question like, oh I dunno, say:

You have a dog. The temperature outside feels like you're seven inches from the fucking sun. You need to buy a double-dong dildo and stamps. You should:

A: Leave Fuzzy McShitbag at home

B: Take Fuzzy McShitbag with you, but take him into Skeevy's Dildo and Stamp Emporium

C: Take Fuzzy McShitbag with you, but leave him in your car (in the Hell-weather) to die a horrible, stifling death

D: Take Fuzzy McShitbag out back and just shoot him now because you have no business owning an ant farm, let alone a dog

E: Answer D and then put one in your own worthless lump on your shoulders

JESUS BABY-PUNCHING CHRIST - WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE?!?!?!