Thursday, June 30, 2005

I am not an animal, I am a you're right, I'm an animal.

So anyway, I probably shouldn't admit this, but I think there's a certain appeal to being a contract killer. Sure there's no benefits package and the hours would be lousy, but at least you'd get to travel the world. I don't know, I just think that if I had to do things over again, there'd be a future for me in offing scumbags. Of course I have some standards, the most important of which being no children, and no women (unless they're particularly evil - perhaps say, of the Martha Stewart is the Antichrist variety). Wasn't that Leon's code in The Professional...yeah I think so!

Admittedly, it's morbid (to say the least), but I've often found that after a particularly bad day, there's nothing quite as invigorating as coming home, turning on the X-box with one of your classic run and gun type games, and start racking up a body count. My personal favorite is the Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell series...death by stealth adds a whole new level of thrill and excitement. The choices are amazing. You can either sneak up and knock a guy out, or sneak up and put a knife in his gut.........or, if you catch him from above, snap his neck.............or, snipe the guy out from 100 yards out...................or, just walk right up with your sidearm and put two in the fucker's head (my favorite). Still, if I could do this for real...I wouldn't need porn. I will also admit that given the current state of my physique, I am in no way capable of performing a job like this. But, since this is all hypothetical anyway, I could just assume that had I realized my interest earlier in life, I would have prepared better.

In all honesty, all things being equal, I think I could do this. One of my favorite movies is Grosse Point Blank. John Cusack has a line in it where he says that after taking the Army entrance exam, his psychological profile met with a certain "moral flexibility". That's me baby! I had said in a previous posting that I was a sadist, and I stand by that assertion. I don't think there's anything as pleasurable as the suffering of others. But again, I do have standards. They've got to have it coming. Even I don't want to see innocent, everyday, ordinary people hurt, or suffer, or die needlessly. Except Stella, that would be keen really. "Whom, may I ask, is Stella?", you're probably thinking. Stella, or rather Estella, was my old boss at the bank. I like to affectionately refer to her as the Evil Mexican Leprechaun from Hell. Now I don't normally have any prejudices against either Mexicans or Irish mythological figures (or beings from Hell for that matter), but put them all together and you've got one mean fucking little bitch. Imagine, if you will, hate...embodied in a short, crusty, conniving, backstabbing, generally unpleasant, middle-aged Latina cunt-whore, and you're starting to get some idea of what I'm talking about. She's what my dad would call, "One of those people that if they were on fire, I wouldn't piss on'em to put'em out!". Actually, I wouldn't personally do anything to her at all. I made an agreement with myself that if I were to ever win the lottery, I'd hire two large "family men" to take turns bending her over their knees and paddle her ass until it was blue. Damn, just thinking about that kinda gets me all warm and fuzzy inside...and not in the perverted, s & m sort of way. Liken it to the same sensation you get after an incredibly satisfying meal, or perhaps a compliment for an exceptional accomplishment. Anyway...

So does any of this make me a sociopath? Who's to say? Find me a shrink, put me on the couch for a couple of hours, at the very least I'll leave the office with a script for a large dose of Zoloft. The real funny part is...I only want to kill people! You couldn't pay me to hurt an animal. I'll eat cheeseburgers til' I'm blue in the face, but for Christ's sake don't tell me her name was Betsy. Hell, I freak out if I think I may have hit a bunny on the street. I cried for three days after my dog died (fuck you, that does not make me a pussy!). I've recently come to the conclusion that I need an outlet for this I'm taking up archery. The idea of a gun club membership is all too tempting (bang bang mutha fucka). I think I could really take to archery, it's lethal, but at least they don't make people-shaped targets for practice. There's no way Robin Hood could've ever been an Irishman though...he would've been the first person in history to get so drunk that he killed himself with his own bow. Luckily, I'm a terrible Irishman...sure I don't fight either, but why fight when you can just blow the fucker away with a pair of nickel plated Desert Eagle .50's (I said goddammit those babies kick ass).

Is there any point to any of really, I'm just venting. That's not to say any of it's not 100% completely true, but ventin' don't kill people......

......but I would if you paid me!

Friday, June 24, 2005

"I like football, and porno, and books about war."

So anyway, as I was flipping through channels the other day, I caught the next-day promo from The Daily Show. In it, Steven Colbert was interviewing former Californian gubernatorial candidate/porn star Mary Carey about her recent turn to the dark side, I, outing herself as a Republican. This "news" by the way has even made it to the pages of most of the major national papers and national news stations (point of fact, I first read about the whole thing on

It's kind of sad really that a leading news story in this country is about a woman, who gets paid to take it in the keester...on celluloid for that matter, that has admitted that she's part of the conservative right. But that's not why I'm here today. It really should be no surprise or shock that a member of the adult entertainment industry has decided to go conservative, it was bound to happen eventually. I read recently that as a whole, Los Angeles is supposedly one of the most conservative liberal cities in the country. During the last Presidential election there was even a documentary about Republicans in Hollywood. Now, whether or not Ms. Carey truly understands the principles and ideals that she is embracing is not for me to say. The hard right has gone out of its way, especially in the last five years, to deface and devalue everything that a woman like Mary Carey would seemingly stand for. But still, this isn't why I'm writing today.

This all started when Ms. Carey attended the President's annual fund-raising dinner on Tuesday. Among the highlights of her evening, she was quoted as saying, "I've only been a Republican for a couple of days!". If credibility were money, she just wiped her ass with a $100 bill. Can't you just imagine a conversation between Der Fuhrer and'd probably go something like this:

: Ith's thuch an honor to meat you Mithter Prethident.
W: No, really the honors all mine (check out the pair on this one).
Mary: You are thuch a great man, and tho hot.
W: And you're quite loverly too miss, I'm a big fan...weren't you in Sling Blade?
M: Thling Blade, no, no...I'm in porn.
W: Did you say corn?
Laura Bush: Those are adult films dear.
W: Oh... OH MY!
M: Jeeth, Mithter Prethident, I'd sure like to do you and the Firth Lady in a three-way!
W: I'm sorry, a what?!
L: That's a menage a trois, dear.
W: A menage a twat, that's French talk ain't it. Missy 're you some kinda liberal-commie-freedom-hatin' frog spy r'somthin'?!
M: No, Mithter Prethident, whatever do you mean...
W: Guards, take this woman out back and have'r shot as a terrorist!
Secret Servicemen: YES SIR!
M: (voice trailing) No, pleath, I'm not a thpy!!! NOOOO!!!
W: "Manage O'Twat", hmmph...we'll have to change that to somethin' more American, somethin like Freedom Orgy...I dunno,whaddaya think Dick?
Cheney (pulls his hand out of W's ass): Sounds good George! (re-inserts hand)
W: Condy, get on that right away!
Condoleeza: Javol, Mein Herr!!!

-Mary Carey is seen later in the evening, screaming, running butt-naked down Pennsylvania Avenue-

At any was, I believe, the next day when I saw The Daily Show promo. During the promo, she basically said that she though Dubya was a total hottie and that she'd love to do him. That's got to be at least 500 shit-covered dollars by now. My initial reaction to seeing her translated roughly as, "SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH!!!". Now before someone freaks out and starts slamming my liberal nature or calling me a sexist, chauvinist pig, let me elaborate. My saying that had nothing to do with the fact that I think she's a chumscrubbing, hobag, skank twit. And furthermore, that is NOT my opinion of most pornstars. She's perfectly entitled to her thoughts and opinions (limited that they may be). But this country generally has a negative perception of women like her and the industry she's in, so please Mary, for the love of God, be're not helping.

This is the crux of what I'm here for today. I am, I'll admit, a bit of a pornographic connoiseur. Everyone has their hobbies, one of mine just happens to include nekid gorgeous womens in photos and on film and video. One of the local radio morning shows that I listen to has a game they like to call "Creepy Guy Bingo". It's basically bingo, but instead of letters and numbers, the spaces have "creepy guy" categories that they fill in with responses from listeners. These categories include: Loner Boner - guys who hang out at exotic dancing establishments...alone; Shoes/No Socks - self-explanitory; Class of '99 - guys that like to go to high school parties well after they've graduated; Pees Like a Girl - also self-explanitory; and to my delight and consternation...the Porn King - guys who have in excess of 5 pornographic films in their home. That's me, I won't say by how much, but that's definately me. I feel that indulgers of porn basically fall into three categories, simple, well-intentioned voyeurs (like myself), sicko-crazy-freaky-deaky-perv monkeys, and Europeans. I love women, read my profile, under interests it says, "the opposite sex". I also think that this current sexual revolution that many women under 35 are currently enjoying is a good thing as well. Admittedly, I'm sure I'll change my mind when I have a daughter of my own. By the time she's seventeen, her generation may well be one gargantuan nudist colony. Now, Ms. Carey's newfound Republianism isn't really a bad thing for herself or the world of porn. However her big, dumb mouth could be a blight on an already tarnished reputation. The perception of pornographic starlets tends to be that they're living Barbie dolls...beautiful, but basically just hollow plastic. Spoiler alert: some of them do possess I.Q.'s above that of your common, garden variety mushroom. A couple in particular are MENSA members...really! I know you can't correlate intelligence with either common sense, or sophistication...but at the same time, pretty doesn't have to equal dumbass either. Now I'm not going to go into some running commentary on what some of these women's home lives might have been like as they grew up, that's someone else's Ph.D in Sociology. But I will say that as someone who's read into the industry a little, and who fancies himself as a bit of an amateur student in human behavior, some of these people really have gotten a bad rap.

Porn isn't for everyone, even some of those who don't consider themselves a member of the current "moral majority", i.e. my type of people...middle of the roaders. Again, however, I'll admit that if I were to fall off the fence, it'd be to da West Si-eed (left if you're facing north :) ). Anyway, I like it (porn), and I cannot stand those people, particularly here in the U.S., who like to demonize the human sexual experience and use it as a platform to scrutinize and finger point as to what's wrong with this country. I suppose what I dislike even more are those, like Ms. Carey, who place themselves into the public spotlight, only serving to further fuel the argument of those who don't know what the fuck they're talking about. I don't want to turn this into some sort of theological debate, but I can't think of one instance in any religion's text that says Thou Shalt Not Bump Fuzzies On Film. And more to the point, I cannot think of a single instance where religious texts shed a negative light on human sexuality at all. "Well what about Soddom and Gommorah?", you might ask and my answer would be that that was an example of human nature in general gone wrong. That was a story to demonstrate the evils of perversion and show that the truly wicked shall be punished. And who's to decide what perversion is? I would think that perversions are only those things that everyone within a society deem wrong. I think we as a people can all agree that sex with children, and animals, and rape...are wrong! But people fuck, animals fuck...hell, most bugs fuck, and we've all been doing it since the first multicelled organism crawled out of the primordial goop. Most medical professionals will tell you that fucking is not only healthy but necessary. It's arguable that not fucking is likely the true perversion. Look what a life of abstinence is doing to the religious leaders of the world. I guess my point, at it's most basic, is that your God, regardless of how you may worship him/her, has never really told you that sex is bad. Mr. Mackey said that drugs're bad, m'kay. But sex...not bad. I personally subscribe the the idea that any higher being, call it God or whatever, did not place us on this earth to live in fear of ourselves. And that if there is something after this life, and God is judging our lives to determine if we our worthy to receive it, then it stands to reason that God really just wants us to be good people, and live a little.

But there are still so many people, most of them in this country, that find it all too difficult to digest. If ever there was a need for evolutionary intervention, this is it. Those that are still disturbed by sex (read: people afraid of being human), need time to adjust, adapt, learn to accept realities of human nature. It could, and likely will take several more generations before the true majority of us are all on the same page. That statement naturally takes my side of the issue and assumes that my position is correct. I can live with that. Like my title suggests...I'm an asshole. And besides, I think we can all agree that having the Blondzilla's of the world slap the general public in the face with their "attributes" is a gross step in the wrong direction. I'm not saying we, as a people, should all embrace pornography, take it into our arms, place our hands on it's soft, pillowy breasts...stroke it gently, then harder, and faster, and faster...and FASTER...UNTIL IT EXPLODES!!! But we could all stand to lighten up a little, and some of us need help with that, so...I'll say it again...


p.s. Mary Carey also announced on that Tuesday evening that she'd be running as an "Independent" for Lieutenant Governor in the next election...GOOD LUCK CALIFORNIA!!!

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Thought for the Day

So anyway, yeah, I forgot, I got a great e-mail from someone the other day with this quote on it. Don't know who said it or where it's from, but I thought I'd share it with the rest of the world, it's a philosophy I can really sink my teeth into, you know.

"Some people are like Slinkies......they're not really good for anything, but they do bring a big smile to your face after you push them down a flight of stairs!"

Is there Preparation-H in Purgatory?

So anyway, as an aside to my last post, I just wanted to add that that place is giving me hemhorrids. Seriously! Not because I sit a lot, but because the strain of dealing with the ineptitude and mundanity around me is manifesting itself as a large, swollen blood bubble in my ass.

It's no fun waking up everyday feeling like you've spent the night getting ass-raped in your sleep. Well, it's either that or the little green guys really enjoy probing me on the mothership. I know it's not my wife, we've already had that discussion. I made it plain that I love her, and would do anything for her except take it up da butt. She seemed overjoyed at that and assured me that she too loved me and should she ever want to "give it to me" in that way she would seek professional help.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

The Catholics had it wrong, Purgatory is here...on Earth...Seriously!

So anyway, I've come to two conclusions. One: I must have a chemical dependency on higher education; and two: I'm a glutton for punishment. Let me explain...after seven long years obtaining two degrees and having spent literally thousands of government dollars, I still want more. I've been in the "real" world for three years now and I've decided the "real" people can keep it. I say that, but in the end, I'll still be doing the 8 to 5 grind until I'm in a better position to take a chance and make a change in my life. My mom said something very interesting to me the other day. We were discussing the complete and total absurdity of the company we work for (we as well as my wife work for the same bank), and how completely insane it's making us. During the conversation, she told me that my dad was fond of saying, "Never work for someone who isn't at least as smart as you are". To me, that is such a profound statement, especially in that it's so simple, and really not that profound at all. Once you start dealing with those of us who have I.Q.'s exceeding the 160 range, the ideal within the statement becomes difficult if not nearly impossible to achieve. But considering the source, it's absolutely brilliant. My father wasn't a genius, point of fact he dropped out of school after the 8th grade, but he was very intelligent. He didn't read well but he was well read, and he had enough sense to realize quickly that he'd made a huge error in his life and obtained his GED. And prior to his death, he had already completed a year and a half of a degree in Psychology. So how the hell does any of this relate? Let me further explain. Like I said, I work for a bank. I tell people that and they immediately ask, "Oh, so are you a teller?". There's my first problem. Fuck you! Do I look that stupid (that's rhetorical, by the way)? Not to begrudge the tellers of the world, but seriously, don't I at least appear as someone who could do better? Stepping back for a second, I'll admit, on my bank's job grading scale, my current position is only four steps above a teller anyway, but still, it's all in the principle. Obviously, I must be a masochist. I always considered myself a lifelong, card carrying, certified (or certifiable) sadist. But this just can't be, only a masochist would return daily to the bullshit factory that is the bank I work for. From an analogous standpoint, I am Stephen Hawking, whereas those I work for are more comparable to say...Forrest Gump. That's the kind of gap I'm talking about here. The people I work for (and with, for the most part) are mental midgets at best. But I keep coming back to them...this friends, is the true Purgatory. What is the grievous sin I'm atoning for that's forcing me to put up with this day after day. Did I kick someone's dog in another life? Do the gods have incriminating pictures of me slapping babies playing football with satan? What the hell did I do? You know what it is...see the bank is like a methodone clinic that keeps handing out heroin, and I'm a junky. What I need, as Huey Lewis put it, is a new drug. If the b.s. factory is giving me the H, then college must be LSD, and dammit I'd much rather be trippin'. I'm Jones'in man I AM JONES'IN!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Wookin Pa Nub In Aw Da Wong Pwaces.

So anyway, my wife and I found out we're having a boy. And for whatever strange and somewhat perverse reason, I find myself VERY proud of my son's penis. It's not like I preferred a boy over a girl, in fact, I didn't want to know at all. The boss (my wife) made me find out what it was. But after seeing that little dinky up on the screen, I became a man obsessed. Friends and co-workers would ask what it was, and I would gloriously proclaim, "My child has a penis!". The first picture I show people is the one with the package. It's not like I had just staked a flag into the New World or anything, it's just a member...a tiny, not yet fully developed member at that. My father, whom when I was born, was quoted as exclaiming, "Wow!!! Look at the set'a balls on that kid!". So I suppose a man's pride in his son's nub is kind of a given, but still, I've gone off the deep end here. The kid's not John Holmes, hell, he's just over half-cooked. I don't think I'd react this way if it had a vagina. And if I had, I'd be checking myself into some form of correctional facility for deviants. While I'm on that subject, am I the only one who thinks vagina is THE MOST DISGUSTING of all the names in the english language for that thing? Admittedly some of the others are a little vulgar, but the vag is just plain gross.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Testes, testes...1, 2......3?!?

Ok, so I really don't have anything to say here initially, I'm just testing the waters a bit. But I'll be back, with plenty of pointless and mindless musings on what's going on in the world and life in general, m'kay!.