Sunday, October 18, 2009

Grita un Río Pendejo

So anyway, umm...yeah, touchy subject - immigration (of the illegal variety). You may have noticed this little nugget from whatever your favorite news outlet happens to be. I chose, whatever your preference for "news" happens to be, hey...whatever, it's cool, but regardless - I'm still fuming. Don't really know why. As a certain, curly-blonde, jolly Viking said in a favorite film of mine, "It's a small matter". But hey, fuck it, sometimes you do have to sweat the small things. So, for the record...lemme see if I have this straight - and I'll save my thoughts on the apparent fact that advocacy groups for illegal immigrants even exist for another time, anyway - you people (the aforementioned immigrants) are upset, that a Halloween costume, a lame one at that, might be offensive to millions of illegals (particularly of the, erm, south-o-the-border variety) and want it pulled off the store shelves. It's...a costume, of a "little green man", with a, ahem, green a GITMO jumpsuit. It's...a...costume, an alien costume - and not some sort of Pancho Villa get-up, rolled up in a tortilla, and shoved up a giant rubber anus. That is what you're upset about? Really? Hrmm...

So naturally, my immediate thought is, well...FUCK YOU!!! It's...a fucking costume, mildly clever at best. And it's insensitive to your person because, let's see - it disrespects your status as an ILLEGAL FUCKING IMMIGRANT!!! Here's a bold thought - you don't like it, you could always, oh I dunno...GO THE FUCK HOME! If I'm not mistaken, you, el inmigrante ilegal del pendejo gigante (sorry if I offended anyone with my Babelfish Spanish there...oh wait, no I'm not!!!) aren't even supposed to be here. And please, spare me the whole "this country was built on the backs of immigrants" bullshit. You're right, it ones. They came through Ellis, or wherever, filled out their paperwork, became part of the system, paid their taxes, did every-fucking-thing they had to do to be an official, recognized citizen of this land. My dad was third generation off the boat from Ireland. His great-grandfather came through Ellis (I've seen the paperwork). What does any of that mean - hell, I don't know, I just know I'm sick of piss-ant, bullshit, crybaby illegals whining about ANY mistreatment while living here in the U.S.

Look, I'm all for cultural diversity; I'm totally for seeking a better life in the land of opportunity; but for fuck's sake - get a fucking green card! Is it really that hard?!?! If it is that hard, then, once again, I refer to my previous sentiment...fuck you. You are not a citizen of this country; you are living here illegally; you are working here illegally; you are not paying the taxes that support the benefits you are receiving. You do not get to complain. You get no ANYTHING. So shut-the-fuck-up and get back to serving me my McBurger and picking my produce fucker! Now...where's the nearest costume shop?!

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Horribly Morbid and Deranged Thought for the Day

So anyway, sure - hardly anyone's watching Heroes anymore. Me, I'm giving it until the mid-season break before I decide whether or not I want to give up on it for good. Anyway, a promo for an upcoming episode shows The Cheerleader getting in on some hot, steamy, college-roommate, lesbian-experimentation smoochy smooch action...and it got me thinking...

...with her powers of regeneration, and the fact that (barring a total decapitation) she can't die - she could be the first girl to have a career in the snuff film "industry"!!! Think about it - first, she's unnaturally hot - that kind of fine defies some law of nature somewhere. Then, typical amateur porn film set up - hot cheerleader/co-ed/schoolgirl/delivery girl (whatever), banging away on some douche in a sleazy motel room. He blows his load, then blows her brains out (or slits her throat, puts one in her chest, stabs her to death...whatever). Someone yells cut...she sits up and all nonchalantly asks, "How was that?!" Sleazebag director says, "Great stuff Claire - pick up your pay in the next room...see you next week!"

She could totally make a killing at it (not sure if that pun was intended or not)!

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

She Must Be Stopped

So anyway, I don't know if you've seen her. I don't know who she is. I don't know where she comes from - I'm guessing the darkest circle in all of hell. I don't know what her plan is. Mind control? Death by sensory overload? WORLD DOMINATION?!?! You tell me. But she is everywhere...and nowhere. She is everyone...and she is no one. She is evil; she is a succubus; she is the Dark One; she is the worm, feasting its way into the core of our society. She will destroy us all...and she must be stopped. Join me...join me in my struggle. Rally to the cause. Only together, as a whole, can we hope to defeat this plague upon mankind. Individually, she will devour our souls - leave us as but empty, rotting shells to be cast into the soil. But together - we just may have a chance. JOIN ME!!! Let us stand together, united against this blight upon our world!!!

I'm of course talking about...

...the cute little Asian girl from those new Windows 7 commercials (who were you thinking of?)! You can see her here. I'm telling you, there's something not right with that little shit! Seriously, that kid is too cute, and WAAAAAAAAAAAY too-the-fuck-smart to not be the Antichrist! She's gotta be what...6...tops?!?! Just watch her - it's not natural for a child that age to put together a PowerPoint demo like that - it just has to be the work of Satan and his League of Evil (or Glenn Beck...take your pick)!!! Hell...I couldn't put something like that together - and I'm really good with that shit! AND - she's totally adorable, which immediately says to me... Hellspawn. It's just not natural - therefore it must be wrong...and it must be stopped. I used to think that that goddamned Penis-Pill Bob was the harbinger of our doom - seems we've managed to stave off that toothy-grinning, nemesis bastard. But alas, PPB was just that, a simple messenger - sent to warn us of the coming darkness that would befall mankind... the form of a sweet, tiny, Asian-American, kindergarten girl. Nope...wouldn't have seen that one coming. Uh-uh...not it a million years. Eat your fuckin' heart out Shyamalan - that's a "paradigm shift" (his words, not mine) for all time!

She must be stopped...join the fight! ("Service guarantees Citizenship!")