Thursday, August 28, 2008

100th Post Spectacular (or...A Hundred [or so] Things I Learned From Reading My Blog)

1. My son has a rockin’ P.

2. I shouldn’t be so excited about that.

3. Most people are stupid, but where I work they are exceptionally so.

4. Apparently my ass hurts..a lot.

5. The only time porn stars should open their mouths is to take in someone else’s junk – or secretion from said junk.

6. I like porn.

7. I really like porn.

8. I’m a sadist and I have unresolved anger issues - bad combination.

9. As much as I’d like to, I probably won’t ever actually kill anyone…too bad!

10. I must get some great parking!

11. I caught OCD from my wife. Is that even fucking possible?!

12. I’m prone to bouts of depression, mostly because of stupid people.

13. Did I mention there are an abundance of stupid people where I work?

14. I hate politics. The more I learn, the angrier I get.

15. Fuck censorship, censorship fucking sucks.

16. I say fuck…

17. …a lot!

18. I may drive like an old fart. The jury's still out...

19. European film music fanatics don’t actually know shit about film music (sorry, but there…I said it)!

20. I occasionally like to announce the passing of famous folk.

21. "Penis Pill Bob" still creeps-me-the-fuck out. And what’s with that wife of his? I suspect domestic abuse!

22. Apparently, I would fuck Helena Bonham Carter – not sure why, she’s not exactly at the top of my most fuck-able celebrities…but the thought seems to have crossed my mind.

23. I totally agree with Goldstein (see: Harold and Kumar for reference).

24. Hope for the best; expect the worst.

25. Keep your expectations low; that way you’re never disappointed.

26. I’ve had three different cell phones in the last three years – all because I get bored easily.

27. Did I mention my son has a rockin’ P?!

28. Somewhere in this country (Arkansas) a man named Jim-Bob really does have 17 (now) children – someone cut off his dick…NOW!

29. I broke the dam.

30. One can occasionally find some truly funny shit on free-radio.

31. I’m at a loss as to what rare film score CD tops my list as I’ve found the ones I was really looking for.

32. I still say “fuckedtacular” would make a fantastic contribution to the English language.

33. The evil monkey is truly a gorgeous creature.

34. Baby secretions are the work of Satan.

35. On occasion, you need a note from the doctor to get laid.

36. Maurice Jarre is still a lazy French bastard!

37. I sometimes pad my blog with banalities. Not so bad as say, “This is a sentence.”, but banal just the same.

38. I’ve really got to lay off the celebrity obits…it’s kinda creepy!

39. Turning 30 doesn’t suck as bad as it sounds.

40. 2006 was a relatively prolific blogging year for me.

41. Saying fuck a lot tends to alienate people – so does opening a blog posting with a diatribe about euthanizing babies.

42. Pat Robertson is still a tool.

43. Drawing a beard on your infants face with Microsoft Paint so they’ll resemble you succeeds only in making the child look as though you smeared their own fecal matter on them.

44. I still like Munich – it definitely got snubbed at Oscar time, though in retrospect, Spielberg does seem to have a hard time ending his films as of late.

45. …and I’d still fuck Jessica Lange in the ass – who cares if she’s old enough to be me mum.

46. Chuck Norris will own your ass!

47. My son is too cute for words.

48. Gustavo Santa-wawa can eat my ass. And I still say “So Long and Thanks for all the Fish” is the best movie song in at least the last decade.

49. People who rape and murder kids deserve to die horribly, and I’ll be happy to help!

50. I still need a new hobby – I’m starting to chafe.

51. Between Brad, Tim, the Captain and myself – I think we know the complete dialogue to every movie ever made…ever.

52. My wife still has great legs – and as it just so happens, I got to see them last week.

53. The Simpson’s Movie score was much better than it should have been.

54. Be careful what you wish for…

55. …internet spam with underage girls drinking horse semen while getting ass-fucked
by every male member of their family, alive or dead, is just waiting for you.

56. Nobody still seems to get (or maybe just care) about my “dirty bomb” joke.

57. I love my guy Rich, but after almost seven years, we have yet to find a single lucrative music gig.

58. Gas prices suck…but paying an average $36.00 a gallon for coffee – that’s just stupid.

59. Ha! Retards fucking…still cracks me up!

60. I’ve got six examples of my music available for listening on MySpace and even my friends don’t give much of a shit.

61. The gal that used to be my boss still has an ginormous ass – and may be the most wretched creature to ever walk the face of the Earth. Something should just kill her already and do us all a favor.

62. “You know…nasty little people such as yourself (Fred Phelps) always get their comeuppance.”

63. George W. Bush is still a retarded lunatic – and I’m so glad we’re nearly rid of him.

64. I’m probably going to get a call from the F.B.I for that last one.

65. Did I mention he’s fucking retarded – if you’re one of the unfortunate souls who saw fit to vote for the man four years ago…I cordially invite you to kick yourself in the nuts right…now.

66. If the above remark seemed insensitive to you because you don’t have nuts of your own to kick…fine, then just go fuck yourself instead.

67. Disposable cigarette lighters and direct sunlight do not good bedfellows make.

68. My mom and her stupid habit still owe me a new windshield.

69. I like 69…don’t you?!

70. Can’t we all just get along…oh…apparently we can! For a while.

71. I need to learn the difference between The Hand of Fate, Pt. I, and The Hand of Fate, Pt. II.

72. I still stand by my 19 minutes.

73. I never did get around to the final part of my “Top Ten” Trifecta. Hmm…

74. I’ve got a strange sense of humor.

75. Every good hero should have theme music.

76. I never actually smoked pot. I know! Hard to believe isn’t it?!

77. I’m still alive…must mean I never got around to ordering that little item for the baby.

78. The space is still for rent. Any takers?

79. Politicians will fuck anything for a dollar.

80. I still miss Basil.

81. I REALLY need to lay off the celebrity obits.

82. It doesn’t matter how old boys get, they still like toys for Christmas.

83. Never underestimate the ability of the Kansas City Chiefs to pull a miracle out of their ass and then turn right back around and shove it back in.

84. 2007 was not a prolific blogging year…I didn’t even average one a month.

85. James Horner – great composer or greatest composer?

86. Contrary Man Lives!!! No he doesn't. Yes...he does! No really...he doesn't...this could go on for a while, you may want to skip ahead.

87. Still seems strange that my wife and the great one share a birthday.

88. Whence one should find a corncob lodged within thy buttocks, one should seek to remove said cob post haste, so as to get the fuck on with life.

89. A five month hiatus sucks...and usually doesn't achieve shit!!!

90. My son likes to give poo as gifts.

91. It’s not that I’m going to hell…it’s which level my seat is on.

92. Top Ten’s suck.

93. I am the KING of procrastination.

94. There’s nothing like a good bandwagon – especially when it involves tearing into friends and acquaintances.

95. To that end, sand in your vagina is quite uncomfortable.

96. Fuck with my CD buying and I will fuck you up (if I ever find you).

97. I’d like to have scored a Western, hell I’d like to score anything right now…but it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards.

98. The guys making the Western are retarded…don’t get me wrong, nice fellows, but at the very least…mildly retarded.

99. If you’re working for a state, and you’ve lived in said state most of your life, and you still don’t know what the capital of that state is…kill yourself. Please, you’re wasting our precious natural resources. Move on…the mothership is calling you home.

100. Megan Fox gots some wicked fine-ass titties. I know it, you know it, and even if you won’t admit it, you saw them...and you liked them - a lot (admit it, you hammered out a couple of knuckle children to that one). You’re still welcome. Just be thankful I didn’t post the link to the Emma Watson 18th Birthday Upskirt Bonanza.

101. I don’t care what’s in her mouth, if a chick wants to polish my knob, I’ll supply the Armor-all.

102. Carlin will always be the king.

103. God Damn! I’ve GOT to lay off the fucking celebrity obits.

104. The Dark Knight ruled – at least as much as The Empire Strikes Back...which, up until The Dark Knight came out, ruled more than any other movie has ever ruled (ever) – if you don’t think so…then you're an asshole - fuck you. (I understand that statement may have encompassed a considerable number of people - I'm ok with it)

105. With friends like you…who needs enemas?

106. Typo's are my friend - you know, that dorky friend that you don't like to be seen in public with. But hey, at least I have Brad to zero in on all of them and point them out.

107. If you’re still alive when this blog gets to 200…congratulations, and again…kill yourself; you’re too fucking old. You’re older than dirt. Dirt looks at you and says, “Goddamn man, you’re fucking OLD! I’m out!!!” What the fuck are you thinking; why are you still even here? Hell, I probably died 20 years ago. If this thing made it to 200, my great-grandchildren have been posting for me – carrying on the legacy of mediocrity. Fuck off already…it’s over, go home!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

"Hey, shuduppa you face!"

So anyway, a rare moment it is when I use my blog for anything other than an obscure celebrity obit or a forum for venting my thoughts on sex, drugs, and all that, you go. I, The Pikey, have an actual thought about...

...dare I say...
(dare, dare) Specifically, film music. Ok, first of all someone call Brad and make sure his heart didn't just stop. Everyone ok? Good, let's continue. I had an interesting (to me anyway) observation yesterday that I wanted to share. I was listening to The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, specifically, the track titled "The Soldier's Story" (I don't feel like looking up the Italian right now so bugger off). If you don't have the CD, firstly, why NOT?!?! It's brilliant and should be in any film music fan's collection. Anyway, for those that don't have the CD, the track accompanies the scene in the film where Angel Eyes has his goon hand Tuco his own ass at the Union P.O.W. camp. Wait, haven't seen the movie either? Really?! JESUS CHRIST MAN, what does a guy have to do, lend you his copy of the DVD so you can keep it for TWO FUCKING YEARS and still not watch it?!?!?!


Ok, so if you still haven't seen the film, try to follow along anyway. No, no...on second thought, go watch it. Now. Right now. We'll wait. What? You don't have the DVD, and it's not on AMC right way?!!! Fine, I'll continue...just watch the fucking thing when we're done for christsakes, OK?!!! Jesus it's a fucking classic! How could you not have seen it, you call yourself a film buff - this is practically required fucking reading (so to speak)!!!

Fine, so there's a Union Army camp full of Confederate P.O.W.'s. Angel Eyes (the Bad) has a goon beat some info out of Tuco (the Ugly) all accompanied by a Confederate prisoner chorus and band. So essentially, the track is a source cue, albeit one that is way too orchestrationally thick for the members on hand in the scene. Details...anyway, I always thought the male chorus was particularly sullen, but it wasn't until I heard it through the headphones yesterday that I made my little discovery ("I've just had an apostrophe...lightnin' just struck me brain!"). Sure the men in the camp are tired, defeated, broken, beaten...pick your own adjective. But that's not why they're singing the way they least not on this day. Today they sing as they do because they're recording in some studio somewhere in Italy, and they're all trying to hide their accents because more than likely, being that this is 1968, they probably don't speak more that 10 words of English between them.

If you're able, and you'd like a good chuckle, listen closely. Those "r's" are a little too rolled, and the vowels a touch stronger that your average Southern gent would belt them out. So what's the point; why all the fuss? Well, my question is this:

Would it have been so difficult to hire a dozen men who speak (and sing) English as their primary language for this scene?

Sure, this is all conjecture. I don't know the story behind the recording of this score, but I know what I'm hearing. And I'm hearing Italians. They're not quiet because they're sad, they're quiet because if they sing any louder, you'll be able to tell where they're from...and it doesn't do much good (to the film anyway) to have a group of guys who are supposed to be slave trading, good-ol' boys that sound like they'd be more likely to bake you a dish of Ziti than pick on your banjo. In the event that I do still get an occasional random passer-by to my personal web-hell, let me point out that I'm not trying to push some bullshit anti-immigration, "pro-America/anti-everything else" hot button. I just found the situation funny, and thought I'd share with two or three others. I mean really, couldn't you just imagine some off-the-wall Family Guy-esque manatee moment? Where they all just stop singing, and get into some kind of insane machismo-fueled, pizza-throwing, obscenity spewing argument over something stupid like, "the violino, he's-a playina flat!" "Hey fucka you, maybe-a youza singin-a sharp!" "You-a momma is-a leetle-a sharp!" "Shuduppa you face!" "You shuddupa you face!" "No you shuduppa you face!" etc, etc, etc...

...and, scene!

Friday, August 01, 2008

Padding My Blog (Pt. II)

Two posts in one day...I must be on something.

BTW...I'm two posts from the big 100. Everybody's going to have to help me come up with an idea what to do with it!

Submit your ideas in triplicate/ideas will be considered in a first serve, first come basis /please expect 4 to 6 weeks for a response/4 to 6 seconds if you're hot...and naked/rules subject to change/no purchase necessary to enter/donations will be accepted - please no blood or semen/must be at least 17 to play (hehe)/void where prohibited - we're looking at you Mississippi/all submitted material becomes the property photo submissions will be given special attention - for at least 30 seconds/bra size will be considered/enter at your own risk - I know I will/not liable for injuries (physical or mental) resulting from submission/play as often as you like/multimple entries per customer/multiple gratifacations not guranteed/winners will be notified by carrier pigeon/in the event of a sausage fest, the contest may be subject to cancellation/in the event of an exceptionally stupid idea, you may be subject to cancellation/in the event of a tie...two men enter, one man leaves/an equal opportunity contest - but no Jews, Koreans, Pygmies, Belgians, Yeti, or current or former members of the NBA/if you don't like it...fuck you/vidi vini vici/quid pro quo/ex post facto/in de nomi de patri, et fili, et spirit du sancti/hail Mary full of grace, blessed art thou among women, blessed is thy fruit of the loom Jesus/for those about to rock...we salute you/there is no spoon/they took our jobs!!!/may the force be with you.

Shameless Thought for the Day

So anyway, as I was undressing this unbelievably hot girl at work (in my mind - of course) - (on a side note, I'm really thinking I should introduce her and a bottle of liquor to the Mrs. and see what happens...anyway...), I couldn't help but think about something I read in a medical journal a few years ago.

Essentially it said that, at any given time, there are more harmful germs and bacteria in the average human mouth than on the genitals. The ratio was something like a staggering 100:1. Anyway, I couldn't help but think that the next time one might request a little mouth-to-head resucitation, and said partner complains...remind them that you are really taking one for the team - because they might be doing you more harm than good.

So...shut up and suck it up already (not sure if that pun was intended or not).

- "A blowjob a day keeps the Mikee at bay." - (Mrs. The Pikey)