So anyway, as I sit and mull the completion of my other post (or whether or not it's even relevant now with the election being over), I can't help but ponder on something else that's bothering me. There's a phenomena that's been plaguing us for some time now, and frankly...I'm tired of it. I'm cut-my-own-sack-off-and-choke-on-it-just-to-make-it-go-away tired of it. I think I'd like to refer to this phenom, this epidemic - if you will - as the In Vitro Celebrity. There's a wave out there of people who, regardless of whether or not they actually do anything, have achieved celebrity status of near epic proportions. Some are "artists" - musicians, actors, etc. (those in question have, more often than not, achieved more celebrity through their actions rather than their...'talent'), some are merely rich and bitchy. And to be honest, I'd like to put most of them in an unpressurized box and send them into orbit.
So, I give, for anyone who cares, my list of people I'm absolutely fed up with seeing (whether it be on my TV or my computer) and why:
1. Amy Winehouse
OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! What in the name of Mary and sweet, sweet bebe Jesuth is with this bitch?! For months she out-and-out plagued my internet with her exploits, and I didn't even know what she DID!!! I finally broke down and read enough of a single article to realize she's a - and I use the term oh so loosely - musician of sorts. Further research by way of iTunes made me realize that really...she's not bad! She's got this catchy 21st Century bluesy vibe going with a semi-pleasant raspy voice that, with enough listens, could really grow on you. But what the FUCK is her problem. Millions of people self-destruct all around the world every year without so much as a blip on anyone's radar...so why the hell do you have to go out of your way to make sure everybody in the free fucking world sees your descent into oblivion. If you need to get away that fucking badly...strap some cheap explosives to yourself, find a cave somewhere, and push the fucking plunger. Seriously, I'm growing a tumor from seeing you...go away.
2. Sienna Miller
If I may, can I ask a question? Who the fuck are you?!?! Supposedly you're an actress. Ok...fine, so I look up your resume on IMDB. Heh...I've seen TWO FUCKING FILMS (Stardust and Layer Cake) you've been in, and frankly...I don't remember you in them. To me, you seem like a poor man's Naomi Watts. I personally don't find you terribly interesting in any manner...which might explain why your presence in the aforementioned films went unnoticed. Unfortunately, thanks to the media, I do know that you used to be sucking Jude Law's cock. Then you stopped sucking his cock and started sucking...Rhys Fucking Ifans cock?!?! Ok sure, why not...bit of a step down appearance-wise, but personality and chemistry can go a long way (which explains my marriage, among other things). Then, poor, poor Rhys...he found out you weren't sucking his cock anymore when the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD found out you were naked in the Med, sucking Balthazar Getty's cock!!! Balthazar WHO?!?! Ok, so...apparently he's an actor too. He's actually had a fairly decent career - but most of the things I've seen him in I saw when I was in HIGH SCHOOL. Oh...and he's married - your little naked adventure is how his wife found out too! And now, apparently, you don't want to suck his cock anymore because he still wants his wife to do it! Please proceed to the cave on the left - in it you'll find a strung-out, anorexic, English crackhead - please assist her in a certain button that needs pushing.
3. Sarah Palin
Ok, so...with any luck, as of today we may never have to see this crazy bitch again. Don't get me wrong - I actually find her quite physically attractive in a MILF-y sort of way. But the bitch crazy, she wicked crazy! She's actually dangerously crazy. Which actually in some small manner makes me pity the people of Alaska...because now they have to deal with her again. On the other hand, the fucking idiots voted her in in the first place - so maybe they're getting what they deserve! To be honest, I think she should serve out her term then try for something on a federal level...just to see how she fares. Who knows, after a few years in Washington, she may actually get her shit together enough to be a welcome sight again. What she really needs is a few years there to get a little dirty and rub some of the Jesus off of her. Until then...please feel free to fuck off at your leisure. The cave is, again, to the left. You don't have to go in just yet...but feel free to enjoy this complementary front row seat to the show.
4. Kim Kardashian
Ok, so...at this point this list is looking at the very least sexist, if not wholly misogynistic. That couldn't be further from the truth. The fact is however that most of the people in the media that I most want to go on a permanent vacation happen to be of the feminine gender. The fact is that as it stands at this moment, I can't think of any men that I want to be rid of - except maybe the entire cast of Entourage, what's the deal with that show anyway (does anyone think it's funny?!)? In the case of this young lady...well...I don't know really. I actually quite enjoy her "ass"ets as it were. Let's face it, of all the rich bitches in the news, she's arguably the most attractive - one might even go so far as to say she's the only one who's genuinely beautiful. She make my pee-pee tingle. But, in the immortal words of one Wendy Testeburger, "WHAT DOES SHE DO?!?!" And as the gentlemen in that episode appropriately answered, "She's a WHORE!!!" (note that that was supposed to be a positive response). She doesn't do ANYTHING! She's known for being rich, social, gorgeous, and having an awesomely ginormous ass!!! Yet, nary a day goes by where she doesn't pop up in my news headlines or on TV for something. And...thanks to Dancing With the Stars, we got to see her on a weekly basis...for a time. Honestly, she's truly the least troublesome of this lot, her most annoying traits being that she seems relatively ignorant, won't go away, is too rich for her own good, and made the mistake of letting her boyfriend fuck her in the ass and make a tape of it (ok, so only slightly envious). Not exactly a Nuremberg list of crimes...but still enough to wish her out of the public spotlight indefinitely - or at least until she gets an honest-to-goodness hardcore porn career going, in which case...the more the merrier!
5. The Unholy Blonde Trinity (Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan)
Let's all be honest, of the three of these women - to this day most men would say they'd still fuck the shit out of two of the three (guesses as to which one doesn't make the cut - come on...we all know who it is!). Poor Lindsay...such potential, only to completely and utterly fuck it up because you couldn't lay off the sauce, keep the magic powder out of your nose, or cover that panooch with a tasteful (but still sexy) pair of panties. And now you've sworn off the penis altogether (you know, a couple of years ago it was little dogs that fit into obscenely over-priced handbags - now it's finding the manliest carpet to munch on that you can get and denying it for months at a time...ah, trends). It's actually kind of nice to see that the ex-Mrs. K-Fed is making baby-step sized attempts to get her shit together. Too bad the old axiom still applies: you can take the whore out of the trailer but you can't take the trailer out of the whore. Lil' sis Jaime Lynn is doing oh so good of a job of proving that. As for that rich, obnoxious, over-indulged, blonde bag of antlers, well...what's left to say at this point that hasn't already been said umpteen-thousand times. Just die already - maybe you're little pocket-pooch will go all zombie dog on you and have you for dinner - sooner rather than later would be preferable. I like Patton Oswald's take on Paris - he said something to the effect of , "...if she could get cancer of the AIDS of the leukemia of the eyes, that would be awesome - you know if a big, fat biker could just fuck that into her skull...that would be great!" And for the fates of the other two - the only thing that would make me actually want to keep them around is if they were paying me absolutely ridiculous sums of cash for the privilege of raping my noodle with their assholes on a daily basis.
Ok kids, these five have pretty much tapped me out for today...maybe I'll update the post tomorrow with more as it comes to me, until then, hope you enjoyed it, remember the 9:30 show is completely different from the 7:30 show, don't forget to tip your waitress, enjoy the veal...THANK YOU SEATTLE...GOODNIGHT!!!
