Shuffle Mode

So anyway, I thought just for fun I'd randomly just jot down things as they came to me over the course of my evening/morning here at work because well...because why the fuck not! So without further ado (a break/new paragraph will indicate a pause in thought - or pause to, you know, actually work!):

Goddamn it anyway - this Matrix Reloaded complete score that I, ahem, acquired is fucking awesome! It might just be as good or better than the first one - which you wouldn't know thanks to that crap album Warner Bros put out. I could listen to another 10 minutes of that alternate "Burly Brawl" - amazing stuff.

Awww...fuck man! See, that's what I get for being a dirty fucking pirate like Brad - I'm missing all the electronica/techno/fusion cues on my iPod. Why?!?! Because I forgot that they weren't composed by Don Davis!!! So naturally - I didn't pull them onto my iPod from iTunes (that's too many fucking 'i'S' in my life) - there are big fuck holes in the score now...shit, shit, shit, shit, shit...

Ok, so...yeah, I know my nights have gotten pretty fucking slow over the last couple of months - but this is ridiculous! I REALLY need to find a way to find something more interesting to do on my computer besides playing solitaire and (fucking) minesweeper all goddamned night! Hell, I'll take frakkin' checkers at this point - just give me something new to do!!!

Dude, my teacher for my 'computer' class at Longview is a total fucking Cougar!!! Went to class tonight - there she is: bleached blonde; athletic build; fake baked; (guessing) late 40's; tight, short dress; and for ze Piece de Resistance...patent red 5-inch 'fuck me' pumps! AAAAAANNNNND...she teaches HIGH SCHOOL during the day (freshman classes to boot!)!!! She probably had a mass exodus of boys leaving her classes today heading straight for the bathroom stalls to hammer out knuckle-children like it was going out of fucking style!!!

Can't say enough good things about District 9; GODDAMMIT what a great movie - I'm diggin' the score (it's available for $7.99 on iTunes btw). Sure, it's kinda derivative, and quite obviously a product of the temp track (Batman Begins anyone!), but it's all very well made - especially on that tiny little $30 million (HA!) budget.

Hrmm - wailing man...that's new...

One problem I do have with it actually has little to do with the film itself, and comes from a comment Clinton Shorter made to Film Score Monthly online for this month's interview segment. He said that during the production process, he tried creating a more melodic score, but [director] Blomkamp kept coming back and saying "It sounds like fucking E.T.!!!" Which to me is a somewhat frightening and kinda sad look into the mindset of young filmmakers today. Firstly, never use E.T. as an analogy for something "bad" about film music - it makes you look/sound ignorant and stupid. Anyway, younger directors seem to have lost (or maybe never had) a real feel and appreciation for the craft of making orchestral film music. Shorter tried and tried to create 'authentic' ethnic sounds for the score, but Blomkamp insisted on "darker" and "heavier" drums, and stock string ostinati - resulting in the (generic) Media Ventures-esque sound that accompanied the final film.

I'm a little off of listening to music lately. Been shuffling a lot of comedy on my iPod. Guess maybe it's a little disheartening to hear so much great music being performed...and NONE OF IT IS MINE!!! Anyway, really digging on Patton Oswalt, Lew Black (naturally), Mitch Hedberg (RIP man), and Maria Bamford lately (dat chick is like so crasy mang!).

And of course, the always awesome (as a hot dog) Mr. Edward Izzard. I really want to get my hands on his Sexie album. It's only available as an import - but, fuck it, it's Eddie Izzard, it has to be worth the price!

So...sleepy - must...have...Mountain...Dew...or maybe...an eightball...

I don't mean to offend, but I've just about come to the conclusion that black people don't sleep (hey, I said this would be random). I mean seriously...DUDE - who the hell are you talking to at this time of night?! I don't know anybody, and I mean ANYBODY, that would be anything short of fucking hostile if I called them just to shoot the shit at 4 in the fucking morning!

It's nice and all that I found a workaround to get on Facebook here at work, but unfortunately I still can't IM anyone - not that anyone on my friend's list would be up right now to chat anyway.

Uggghhh...one chalupa too many last night methinks.

So I'm assuming everyone's seen the Avatar teaser by now. It looks pretty cool, but I have to say, if I hadn't been following what it's about on the net over the last few months, the teaser would be fucking weird as get-all. I mean really - to the uninformed, it looks like the Aliens Marines Vs. Giant Smurf Alien People, whaaaaaaaa?!?!

GAAAHH! My mom's turning my son into a java junkie - why God, WHHHHHHYYYYY?!?! He's wired enough as it is goddammit!

"Marijuana users being condescending to alcoholics - that's a little hypocritical isn't it!? It's kinda like Idi Amin looking at Gandhi and going 'You're too intense!'" - Robin Williams (1984, at the Met)...that's funny shit!

Shouldn't it have been obvious to The Architect that there was something special about Neo, something different from all the past iterations of The Chosen One? Little clues sprinkled all over the place - like the fact that during his first fight with the "new" agents, he was able to recognize that they were 'upgrades'. If Neo was just like all the previous incarnations, shouldn't those upgraded agents have already been written into the Matrix? The Matrix shouldn't have needed improved code to attempt to deal with him. The sequels are a lot smarter than most people give them credit for. Ok, so I'm probably thinking too hard about this shit!

Ok, so before this gets long (HA - too late!), I'm gonna check out. I'll be back later...yeah, we'll just go with later...with my thoughts on Inglourious Basterds.

Define Irony (Part-o Numero Dos...o)

So anyway, as I'm sure you've all heard...people are REALLY fucking stupid! Case in point - this little nugget. It seems that this woman left her dog in her car on a hot day and - whodafuckinthunkit - it died!!! I left a burrito in a hot car once...it exploded - I suppose that's similar. Eh...no?! OK, well whatever. The kicker in all this - she's the CEO of the Richmond, VA chapter of the FUCKING SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF CRUELTY TO ANIMALS (note, I originally had that last 'fucking' between 'to' and 'animals' - which is just silly because let's face it...all animals are fucking animals right?!)!!!!!

How...exactly...does one, erm...qualify to lead an organization such as the SPCA? Do you have to be friends with George W. Bush? Is there a test? Is it multiple choice? Is it graded on some kind of bell curve? Shouldn't said hypothetical test have a question like, oh I dunno, say:

You have a dog. The temperature outside feels like you're seven inches from the fucking sun. You need to buy a double-dong dildo and stamps. You should:

A: Leave Fuzzy McShitbag at home

B: Take Fuzzy McShitbag with you, but take him into Skeevy's Dildo and Stamp Emporium

C: Take Fuzzy McShitbag with you, but leave him in your car (in the Hell-weather) to die a horrible, stifling death

D: Take Fuzzy McShitbag out back and just shoot him now because you have no business owning an ant farm, let alone a dog

E: Answer D and then put one in your own worthless lump on your shoulders

JESUS BABY-PUNCHING CHRIST - WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE?!?!?!

BEWARE

BEEEEEEEWAAAAAAAAARRRRRREEEEEEE!!!



that is all...

"Let's all just calm the fuck down..."

So anyway, I read this article on CNN.com and immediately thought of Lew Black:

"They've won!!! We don't have to worry about the terrorists immobilizing us...we've done it to ourselves!"

OK, so granted he was talking about the fact that The Weather Channel is the most watched television station in the country. But I think the point still applies. What the fuck is wrong with people - they're running around in a full blown panic because they can't "TWEET" what color the shit they just let was!!! "It's like my heart was gone...I felt so empty inside" - FUCK YOU, and your pathetic, pointless, bullshit nonsense! Go outside and make an actual friend you ignorant fuck!!!

And what's the deal with this goddamned Twitter thing anyway?! I'll admit - I signed up for it right after I heard about it. Yeah, I signed up...spent about 27 seconds there - and then gave it a hearty "fuck this" and moved on. I mean, what is it really? It's Facebook, sans EVERYTHING except the status update feature! No bells, no whistles - hell, the bells and whistles were basically pissed on, then set on fire! Someone please explain to me the point of a site that's sole purpose is to leave a message to anyone and everyone as to what it is you're doing at any given moment! Well let's see world - I just pooed; now I'm staring off into space; now I'm watching flies fuck; now I'm taking a bite of my mashed potatoes; now I'm about to walk headlong into a speeding freight train because I won't take the time to look up from my friggin' phone; now I'm one-handing this because the other one's tossing my willy 'round a bit...AHHH...brb - gotta clean that hand off!!!

Why?

The missus signed up too, just out of curiosity - she hasn't been back either. Oddly enough, she has something like 20 "followers" (I have three I think). Talk about the express line to fucking NOWHERE!!! There are at least 20 individuals somewhere in this world that are waiting to see what someone they've never seen, met or have any connections to whatsoever is up to - and talk about your exercises in futility! Neither of us are going back...ever! God help anyone who's universe centers on waiting to see what I'm up to. You know, there's another group of people who have "followers" - they're called CULT LEADERS!!! Just as an experiment, I should go out and collect as many as I can - then Tweet all the males to ritualistically shave their balls before they castrate themselves with a rusty butter knife...you know, just to see how many would actually do it. Wonder if I could get a harem going along that same principle?

What does it say about a culture who's members have a complete meltdown because they can't (what essentially amounts to) leave a public text message? Now we have a website that lets you leave a text for the whole damned world. And I thought the whole text message craze was bad enough. I really don't get the point of that either. It's...a fucking PHONE!!! You dial a number, and you can actually talk, to a real live person - no shit! Whodathunkit! Naaaah...fuck that! Why actually communicate when you can have a god damned spell-a-thon with them? While we're at it, I'll use it to play games and check my e-mail too! A phone - whatever! Seriously, what's next - using video communication to speak to each other with Morse code?!?! I can just see it - two fucking idiots staring at each other via computer screen; they don't say a word...they just tap at each others faces with a series of dots and dashes! Don't know Morse code - don't worry...there's probably a fucking iPhone App to teach you!!!

A global meltdown because people couldn't fuckin' Tweet...for two goddamned hours no less - Jesus H. Christ!!! At this rate, I predict that about 60 - 70% of the Earth's population will have forgotten how to wipe their own asses within 15 years. Now THAT'S a goddamned epidemic! Mass hysteria, riots, chaos of biblical proportions as people crowd the streets because they can't figure out how to get the shit off their asses! Can we collectively agree to, henceforth, refer to Twitter-ers as twats?! ...Or twits - I suppose you could go with both, make them gender specific...that might be fun!

Christ, where's a copy of the fuckin' Guide when you need one - someone needs to tell these people don't fucking panic!

"I...am...SO...PISSED...OFF...RIGHT...NOW!!!"

So anyway, Star Trek II arrived today - normally cause for celebration indeed...

...HOWEVER...

I open it, and lo what should I find but - A BIG FUCKIN' SCRATCH OVER THE LAST 30 MINUTES!!!


GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!


must...kill...
must...kill...anyone...
...anyone...will...do...
blood...
must...have...blood...

BWAAAAAAHHHHH?!?!?!

First, you were terrified by the horror of the infamous McDonald's Hot Coffee Lawsuit!

You couldn't bring yourself to gaze upon the terror that was the Chicken McNugget 911 Call!

But NOTHING could prepare you for...


THIS


Brain. Hurting.
Someone. Please. Explain.
Too. Much. Stupidity.
Common...Sense...

...failing...


__/\__________/\__/\______/\____________________________

..."He's dead, Jim."

"NO! NO! NO! ...This one goes there, that one goes there! Got it?!"

So anyway, I've been thinking a bit about something Herr V asked me yesterday. Since I had seen Revenge of the Fallen twice, he asked me my opinion on the track sequencing for the score album. I suggested the following (a guess mind you, but a pretty damned good one if I do say so myself):

N.E.S.T.

The Shard

Heed Our Warning

Einstein's Wrong

The Fallen (I'm not certain this is an actual cue in the film)

Forest Battle

The Fallen Arrives

Tomb of the Primes

Precious Cargo

Infinite White

The Matrix of Leadership

I Claim Your Sun

I Rise, You Fall

I wasn't sure where to put "Prime". I'm of the opinion that it, like "The Fallen", isn't an actual cue - but a thematic suite. This all got me thinking about track sequencing in general and the sometimes odd decisions that are made by the composer/album producer as to where to put what. It used to be that nearly all albums were sequenced for "listenablility" rather than placed in film order. Lately however, with more and more of the music from the film (typically) going on the CD, the albums are more often being presented in chronological order.

I understand the idea of resequencing cues for shorter album presentations. With large chunks of material being left out altogether, it makes perfect sense to rearrange things so that the overall listening experience is heightened. This idea though makes albums like Revenge of the Fallen all the more puzzling and irritating. I commented at length on V's ROTF score post about my frustrations with the album as a whole, so I'll simply reiterate here that I found the album somewhat disappointing. Particularly for it's length - it's blaringly obvious that many of the cues of the album were truncated, giving us sometimes half or less of the music from the scene that the track title eludes to (N.E.S.T. especially pissed me off as it ends just prior *spoiler warning* to Optimus hopping out of the C31 in Shanghai to kick some Decepticon ass!). And it's even more obvious that a BIG chunk of the score was left off altogether. So...the album is obviously sequenced out of film order, but...why?! The placement of the cues on the CD is such that it stacks most of the more exciting material at the end, leaving a sort of void in the middle. I figure if you're gonna fuck with it, at least intersperse an action cue after every couple of non-action cues.

John Williams' Star Wars prequel albums were really bad about this sort of thing. Ok, so...obviously we weren't going to get complete score albums at the time of release. Add to that all the tracking-in from The Phantom Menace that occurred with AOTC and ROTS - and the potential for disappointment sails off the chart. I'd still like a definitive answer on how much new (and obviously unused) material Williams wrote for those lengthy sequences at the end of both of those films - as I write this, I'm listening to expanded additions of AOTC and ROTS that I've "acquired". All that tracking-in is really fuckin' odd, and just damned frustrating ...But I digress. The albums stacked any and all new thematic suites at the front of the album - ok, sure...I get that. And it's not that the album tracks were presented out of order, it's that the music within many of the tracks was cut and pasted together from all-the-fuck-over the movies! The "Main Titles" were really bad - sure it'd start out with the main title, then rather than presenting the music that accompanied the opening scene, it would jump to a cue from 20 frickin' minutes later in the movie! Zimmer splices cues together in a similar manner; been doing it for almost every album he's put out - but at least his music isn't all that thematically dense, so it's not so jarringly obvious when cues from multiple sequences have been merged.

Michael Giacchino's Star Trek is another great example. The tracks are presented in film order. The music within those tracks isn't a product of cue splicing from various parts of the picture. Many of them however are very cropped. Then there's the issue of the fact that most of the middle act of the film is MIA. And it's short...too fucking short! I think most of us would argue in favor of a 70+minute album for this one...it's that good! But, given what we ended up getting, the result makes for quite a good listen. The middle act of Star Trek, like most middle acts, is full of exposition. The music for those scenes reflects this. So, I guess I'd argue in favor of keeping the album shorter in that regard, especially if they weren't planning on giving us the complete (or nearly so) score. And sensibly, what we did get constituted mostly action music, so the album never gets a bogged-down-in-the-middle sort of feeling. I suppose in my mind a good rule of thumb would be: If your score album is going to contain 60 or more minutes of music, you absolutely should sequence the tracks in film order. Logically, this makes perfect sense - the music (in theory...assuming the composer knows what he/she is doing) should match the ebb and flow of the drama/action on screen. So with a lengthy album, there should theoretically be a good sampling of music from all over the film - a good listening experience will just occur naturally. If your score album is going to be short - stack it with a good sampling of the more exciting material, then order it for listenablility. That's my two cents anyway...

More Than Meets the Giant, Glistening Boobies

So anyway, did you hear there's a new Transformers movie out? You did...really?! Hmph - I had no idea, nary a peep on the TV, radio, internets, billboards...nothin'. Oh, I know why...that singer guy died the other day - that's why I haven't heard anything about it. OK, well now that that's resolved. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - a 150 minute vfx-porn extravaganza. But that's what most of Mike Bay's movies are right...fx porn. That's not porn with special effects (although how cool would that be?!). I would define fx-porn as a movie who's sole intent is to elicit a full-fledged geek-gasm via a complete, visual skull-fuck onslaught. That's what Bay does...he fucks your brain with visuals. Great performances from the performers...a minor concern. Plot coherency and sensibility - fuck that! Does it have a shot following a bomb as it leaves a Japanese Zero all the way to the point of impact on the U.S. destroyer that makes you want to come in your pants?! Fuckin' A right!!! That's the Michael Bay film aesthetic.

As everyone on the planet has heard by now - and I'm even talking about little, lost tribes of pygmies in the Amazon and the lizard people at the Earth's core - Transformers: ROTF had made some considerable bank despite a tepid critical response and general disdain from the fanboy community. Fuck fanboys, we've already covered their biggest problem in prior posts - in this case, these particular giant fucking robots committing carnage aren't doing so in the specific, precise manner that the über-geeks have been masturbating about since they were 12. As for the critics, well...revenge (pun intended) is a dish best served loud and green. Does the movie have problems, issues, concerns, troubles, consternations, etc? Absolutely!!! I'd say one of it's biggest problems is Bay himself. T:ROTF, more than any previous Bayfilm, feels as though he was given free reign to go completely and totally balls-out - they gave him almost a quarter of a billion dollars to make it...and he went frakkin' nuts! And in the end, the film actually suffers for it - but just a smidge. The movie is absolutely a study in visual excess. Let's face it, we're all going for the insane, giant-fucking-robot carnage...but there's almost too much to take in. To that end, I offer that the majority of the critics did have one issue correct - the middle act...needs work!

Unfortunately, this movie is (glaringly) a product of a rushed production schedule, and the WGA strike. It was reported a year ago that Alex Kurtzman and Rob Orci had about two weeks prior to the strike to hammer out a treatment and give it to Bay to, ermm..."flesh out". Bay's not a WGA member - he can do what he wants to it while the real writers are out of the office. On top of that, when the writers did come back to work, Ehren Kruger was brought in as a script polisher. Now, IMHO, and as evidenced by a recent film with young men and women boldly going and whatnot, Kurtzman and Orci wouldn't seem to really need a script doctor. In this case, I'd say Freddie Kruger would be a more appropriate moniker for the man. He hacked it to little bits. He's also responsible for the awesomness that is Blood and Chocolate, The Ring and The Ring II, The Skeleton Key, and of course who could forget...Reindeer Games! Particular low-points in ROTF include the (as I counted) 7 references to testicles (four by that Leo douchebag), the Jar-Jar twins and their just-slightly-over-the-top racially offensive personae, and as previously mentioned...the entire middle act. In the end, the movie is really only 15 minutes longer than the first one. The major gripe from the critical community from the first was that it had no plot. This new entry seems to drown in 2nd-Act exposition. As is always the case, no one ever asks us (the educated, seemingly intelligent, laid-back movie fan) our opinion on things (I make the assumption that there are considerably more of us out there than my tiny little readership). If they had, say, asked someone like...me...I would have offered a simple solution. Trim the middle act by 20 minutes of what is there, and substitute about 5 to 10 more minutes of the meat and potatoes of this movie...i.e. MORE GIANT-FUCK-ROBOT-CARNAGE!!! A simple answer would have been for the Decepticons to make good on their threats of worldwide destruction for not handing Sam over. There...problem solved. I offer that a good rule of thumb for future installments would be to have GFR's beating the hell out of...something...every twenty minutes or so.

The human element of both of these movies was a bit too much really. There were too many humans in the first. The second smartly excised the superfluous characters from the first, but then just went and threw in a few new ones seemingly just for the hell of it. Even the ones that only appeared for a few moments...just weren't entirely necessary (I'm looking at you Egyptian Checkpoint Scene!!!). I'm not going to quibble over the return of Sam's parents...his mom in particular cracks me up. I like Major Lennox and Sgt. Epps (Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson), I thought they were grossly underused here. Isabel Lucas, a.k.a. The Fembot - WOW! At one point I thought Bay was literally going to put the camera up her ass - not a bad thing mind you. I agree totally with something Brad told me: where the fuck are these colleges at?! How does one east coast school manage to wrangle up every insanely fuckable woman on the planet and put them in one place?! Then there's the title (of my post) character...Mikaela. I maintain that her sole purpose in both movies was to give all the male members of the audience, ages 10 to 203, a reason to pop a load in their pants. That has to be the purpose of her character - there is no other reason for her. To prove it, let me submit this question: ever notice that in both Transformers movies, Megan Fox...is moist...all the time?!?! There isn't a single moment in either movie where some part of her skin isn't shimmering from wet. It's usually her bust...but regardless, some portion of her body is wet. She could've been placed into a scene baking a cake at a convent, and she'd still look like she was lubed up for a day at the beach/strip club! I think we should at least be grateful that it's Michael Bay shooting her - let's face it, he (particularly in this new installment) basically fucks her with the camera in every shot she's in! And the world is a better place for it. I honestly do hope there is some real acting talent under all that unrelenting gorgeousness...I'd like to see her around in the future. If not...then I suppose there's always porn (please God...PLEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSEEEE!!!).

Jablonsky returned for music duties (as expected). And, well...he brought Hans and Linkin Park with him. Again...excess. I like Linkin Park, but they weren't needed here. Neither was Hans' influence on the overall sound of the score. I haven't heard the score away from the film, but what I did hear in the film (under all the calamity) I wasn't blown away by (figuratively) as I was with the score for the original. I like the consistency with the Optimus theme every time he appeared. I don't care how many times I see it, when Optimus Prime transforms...it kicks 31 flavors of fucking ass! And the Optimus theme is a great support system for said ass kicking. But it seems to me...and I don't know how this is possible, the elements from the first score were actually dumbed down. The Media Ventures/Remote Control compositional aesthetic was/is/forever-shall-be bold, ass-kicking music via the lowest common denominator. The scores for Transformers I & II are no exception. But the first was really a breath of fresh air from what most of us have come to expect from the MV guys. Unfortunately here, it lost itself somewhere. Brad had a point, maybe that was the point of Hans' presence - to make sure the music projected over the rest of the cacophony. Mission accomplished I supposed...but it definitely lost a little of the magic in the process.

So, in the end, what's my verdict? It needed a touch-up or two, but overall I really fucking liked it! I went apeshit over everything that I was supposed to go apeshit over, and I tagged along for the ride on the rest. That's not a bad thing...given the ingredients in the mix, it coulda/woulda/shoulda been a complete and total clusterfuck. But it wasn't, it really wasn't! I just hope they polish the ever-lovin' shit out of the next one. Because I'm already game for round three of insane-ginormous-transforming-fucking-robots-from-space carnage - but I'll wait...patiently...do us all a favor folks, and get this next one just right!

for those that are counting, this is the third day in a row with a new post...I'm thinking one more and the entire space-time continuum as we know it will collapse - thoughts?!

The Boredom Trough

So anyway, the mundanity of my job, it would seem, has apexed. I can't get on Facebook at work...it's blocked. I can't get on MySpace at work, it too...is blocked. I can't install anything interesting on my work PC (e.g. iTunes, Quicktime, etc) - they're (you guessed it) blocked. Pogo, Boxerjam, IGN...hell even fucking Victoria's Secret* (?!) - blocked, blocked, blocked and blocked. I'm sure if I was so inclined I could actually get on Stinky McPoon's House O'Dirty Bitchez** (.com) and browse around - it wouldn't surprise me in the least if places like that were available to me. Of course going somewhere like that would be the fastest track to a pink slip EVER - they apparently do monitor those kinds of things. I could buy a dildo and a leather bondage mask on Ebay, but I can't check my Facebook page...priorities seem a little misplaced there somehow. Incidentally, I have read the Wiki bio's for just about every porn star since 1986 - that, apparently, they're ok with. And currently, there isn't enough going on during my shift to actually fill an entire work evening for the three of us that are still here (we really only need two people on any given night).

So what praytell do I fill my night with (when I'm not reading, and since I can't afford a MacBook to do any composing on). I'll tell you...Microsoft Solitaire. Oh wait, there's more! It's not just any old fucking Microsoft Solitaire, no, no, no that'd be too-the-fuck-easy! No...I've expanded upon it - cuz let's face it, how many games can anyone play of plain old Solitaire before they're bored stupid?! It essentially goes down like this:

I play single-card-draw, Vegas-scoring Microsoft Solitaire - which means once you've gone through the draw pile a single time, you're done...and I've added rules of my own. See I play it like it's a tournament...in my mind. Each new game starts you off $52 in the hole. My tournament rules require that in order to draw a second deal during any given game, the player must at least score high enough to put themselves in the black. If not, that player (me) is disqualified, the game is closed, and a new player (still me) can open a new game. If the player on his first deal gets into the black, but doesn't actually win the hand, he/she (me) is eligible to re-deal and try again. That player may then continue re-dealing for each losing game until they have passed -$100. At that point their turn is also over...UNLESS (and here's where it starts to get really interesting/insane)...

...the arbiters decide that said player is worthy of another deal. That's right...I said arbiters - plural. In my head, I have a panel of three adjudicators who are watching the progress of the current player (still just me), and can decide if they've (I've) been doing well enough to warrant one more chance (i.e. the play has resulted in a deficit of say...-$102). But wait...there's STILL more! This little tourny of mine has an audience and fucking broadcast announcers! Oh yeah baby...Bob Fucking Costas and some other pompous douchebag who once won a tournament some years back are fucking COMMENTATORS for my little psychotic break here!!! How awesomely insane is that?!?! The audience (in my mind) actually gets excited when things go well for me! I even have an imagined past champion (ala Bobby Fischer) who won big years ago and hasn't been seen in ages...and the commentators make comparative references to him as I'm playing!!! They even act as though there's some actual skill involved - like it's not all (or mostly) up to chance!

The fucking game even has it's own slang/jargon. The arbiters...have penalties! If a player (again...still just me!) pulls a card that he can't play and tries to lay it down - they call out "penalty". If the player does it and gets away with it...it's called a "Scot-Free" (as in I got away with it...you know...). The player gets three penalties per game, if he reaches the third, he's automatically disqualified regardless of how good or bad he's playing. The penalties are only used to either eject a player, or in consideration when it's time for the arbiters to decide the players fate (when they're just over the -$100 deficit). If the player pulls a scoring card back into play to place a card off the draw pile, it's called a "sacrifice". If two aces are dealt face up, it's a "double-whammy", three is a "triple-whammy", four is a "grand-slam". Each deal costs you $52, so if you win back enough to cover your deal, it's called "holding your own". Doing this repeatedly is called "holding on for your life". A round that results in little or no monetary gain is called a "shitty deal". Oh, and get this...a player has to resign his game with a score in the black in order to qualify for next season's tournament. There was even a bit of a conspiracy a couple weeks ago when the douchebag commentator accused a player who was doing a bang-up job of holding on for his life...of cheating!!! There's even more, but I'll save it lest someone be compelled to call Two Rivers and have me committed!

So...now what?! Well, the way I see it you have two choices really. One: just pretend like this whole post never happened and try to forget just how psychotic your old pal The Pikey has really become, or Two: try it for yourself and see just how much of a hoot it really is (and it is quite fun, hahahahahahahahaha)!

The decision...is yours...

*A while back before it was blocked, I would occasionally stop by and browse for birthday/anniversary/mother's day/Christmas gift ideas (for the Missus, for the MISSUS)...so, nothing weird really (but can't do that anymore)

**This isn't really a website, as far as I know anyway...I'll let someone else find out for certain.

Strange Days

So anyway - seems to be quite the odd little world we live on here in the last couple weeks or so, eh? My celebrity obit column has more or less imploded on itself, kinda like the Freeling house at the end of Poltergeist - you know, leaving nothing but this glimmer of light just sort of emanating from nowhere. If things like this really come in three's, then I figure we should expect two more within the next few days. First good ol' Ed McMahon, then Farrah and MJ on the same day. Then, day before yesterday we get Bill Mays (aka - the Screaming Salesman/Guy-who-single-handedly-made-me-want-to-destroy-my-TV-every-time-he-came-on-it). So technically...that's four (you can debate the pros v cons of calling Mays a celebrity to yourselves - I count him because, unfortunately, he was on my TV...a lot). I was watching CNN when the ticker at the bottom said that Billy Mays was dead. I...smiled. Is that completely awful, or just mostly awful? I mean really, the first thing that popped into my mind was "Well...at least I won't have that asshole screaming at me anymore." What's worse, Mrs. Pikey kinda smiled too when I told her...and more or less said the same thing I did. So...did she start out evil or have I turned her to the dark side after all these years? If it's the latter, then sorry baby! But if it's the former...shit, what kind of gal did I hitch myself to anyway?!?!

So...Michael Jackson. Lew Black said once that Michael Jackson had basically become a punchline for any joke - Why did the chicken cross the road?...Michael Jackson! Yeah, ok...so it works. Still, regardless of your thoughts on the man, his music, his turmoil, his...erm, eccentricities, consider this for a second: Michael Jackson's death has garnered more worldwide attention than any other person or event (save 9/11) since Elvis died. In fact, his death has done to the world wide web what no other event (including 9/11) has done since it's inception - it nearly collapsed it. The headline on CNN.com read "Michael Jackson dies and nearly takes the Internet with him!" Now that is funny! Servers all around the world were locking-up and even crashing because of the influx of people craving more information on what happened to this one man. Good or bad, love him or loathe him, that says an awful lot about the effect he had on this world. I for one have never had a real problem with Michael Jackson. I've always been a fan of his early musical output - yes...I had a Thriller jacket when I was six - fuck you very much. And argue with me all you want, but I never really bought into the whole paedophilia thing...fuck you again, I'm sorry, but I don't believe it. I give you that yes - the man was weird. Eccentric doesn't cut the mustard here - he was downright weird. He was a black man who seemingly had a child's mentality...and also had a desire to become a strange, white woman (and the bank account to make it happen). Did he place himself into the questionable position of getting too close to several young boys? Absolutely! Did he ever actually do anything illegal with them...I don't think so. But what do I know? I always saw the man who loved children and spent untold fortunes for the benefit of needy children around the world - call it naivete, call it a little gleam of light trying to escape the black hole that is my soul, whatever. That's just how I feel about the subject. "But Pikey - the guy spent millions in payoff to shut that one kid up!" Yeah...he did. That's exactly what he did - he spent millions to make a problem go away, that's not an admission of guilt. Ask yourself this...who was he really paying off? The kid, or his money-grubbing parents who saw an opportunity to make a quick buck by exploiting an odd situation that they allowed their child to get into?! Did anyone ever consider that the mere accusation was devastating to the man and that throwing a shitload of money at it was simply a way to make it go away so he could move on? It's a stretch, but it's possible! Rest in Peace Mike...you really were the King. Anyway, a person could go on and on about this shit (too late?)...

Then there's Bernie Madoff. Yesterday, he got 150 years for bilking all those people out of billions of dollars. I'll say that again - yesterday, he got 150 years for bilking all those people out of billions of dollars. I'd say he got off easy. Sure, he's 71, he'll serve (I'd guess) about 10 years of that sentence before he either dies of old age or trauma from his weekly ass-pounding. The government has seized over $160 million of his assets for restitution to his victims. That's nice - sorry you lost everything, here's a coupon for a free cheeseburger and a prostate massage! His wife, Ruth, was allowed to keep something in the neighborhood of $2.5 million in assets so as not to be left with nothing...awwwwwww...poor, poor lady! This was also to avoid prosecution as an accomplice. Too bad she's gonna charter the first flight to Switzerland she can get and start siphoning off the billions from the offshore accounts the U.S. government couldn't touch. It's going to happen...you know it, I know it, she knows it! Which in my mind makes her as big a crook as him! If there was any real justice in the world, he would've been sentenced to having his nuts smashed repeatedly by all his victims, one by one, with one of those carnival "ring-the-bell" hammers. "WINNER, WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER!" Then they could all take turns showing Mrs. Madoff's asshole the business end of a cattle prod. I see a reality TV show somewhere in the near future...

So, forgive the righteous indignation for a moment, but when the fuck are we just going to go ahead and nuke the entire Middle East and get it over with?!?! We don't like them, they don't like us - they're never going to like us. The West is always going to be the scapegoat for everything that's wrong in their world. A world that, I might add, seems perpetually stuck in the dark ages. It's wonderful that the U.S. military is going to start pulling out of the major cities in Iraq, really it is! But the real tragedy of it all (aside from the 5000+ American lives pointlessly lost over there) is that as soon as we're gone for good, the place is going to erupt into an all-out civil war anyway! The Muslims can't even get along with each other...how the hell can anyone expect them to get along with us pathetic infidels?! Don't even get me started on Iran...that "election" was the most ginormous, stinkiest pile of camel shit in the long, sad history of camel shit analogous elections. They know it...the rest of the world knows it...they know the rest of the world knows it! The Ayatollah and Ahmenlkaasdflgksadflhse1241tdfgw45rtporjad want "the bomb"...and that wasn't going to happen with Moussavi in charge. Sorry if that all seemed kind of like a buttload of generalized angst, but if I think too hard or get into too many details - the bad people in my head start talking to me! While we're on the subject (the Middle East, not my psyche), my mom's neighbor's son Josh is getting shipped over to Afghanistan in 3 months...he's a good kid, played Horn in band, got decent grades, never gave his folks a lot of grief, so if you've got a free prayer or blessing handy, might want to shoot it his way for me.

Alright, suppose I'll cut this one off...wouldn't want Brad's eyes melting out of his head from reading too much or anything! Too late Brad? Fuck it...you'll live.