Tuesday, April 06, 2010

What's in a Name? Hey, What's in Those Brownies?!

So anyway, I know I don’t get a lot of posting done these days. But every once in a while something comes my way that just…compels me to just cast it out and see what bites. In this case I direct you to this story. Go ahead, look it over…I’ll wait…

Done?! OK, let’s continue then. With the baby due in July, and having already picked out a relatively traditional, if not really fucking old name for him (Isaac Connor), I can’t help but look at a list like that and be completely and totally dumbfounded! If I were to draw an immediate conclusion, it’s that perhaps it’s not necessarily a good thing to be a wealthy celebrity. Why…?

…Because it makes you FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!

Seriously, are the drugs that much better when you’re rich and famous? Or does Hollywood really exist on a totally different plane of reality?! I don’t know about you, but generally speaking, the end of my intoxication rainbow usually involves an occasional carisoprodol or hydrocodone for a bad-back day. Seriously…that’s it! I’ve never done any hard narcotics (save a little Demerol when I had my knee operated on). I’ve well documented my complete lack of drinking skills much to the shame of my, erm, "esteemed" and "noble" heritage. Seriously, I’m an Irish, German, American Indian – for all intents and purposes, I should be a raging alcoholic! But even if I was a total lush or just constantly smacked off my gourd, I don’t think there are enough drugs or alcohol in the world to make me torture my children with names like that. A few highlights:

Apple Martin: Ok, so this one’s old news – when Gwen Paltrow announced she was naming her kid after fruit, the whole world more or less went “HUH?!”. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still love to plug my pecker into Pepper Potts’ pretty, pink, pixie pooper - but girlfriend seriously gots some wires crossed in her noggin. Anyone else notice that that poor kid’s name is one “I” away from being a faggy, foo-foo-drink cocktail?!

Jermajesty Jackson: Alright, so I really don’t want to get into a discussion about the parental naming habits of members of the black community. But on the other hand, I have to wonder if there is ANYONE in Michael Jackson’s family that isn’t some combination of completely psychotic and mentally retarded. What happened Jermaine – really?

Don’t even get me started on Frank Zappa’s kids – that’s a whole different level of stoned.

Kal-el Cage: Look, I like Star Wars, but I’m never naming any of my kids Yoda, or Chewie, or Han Solo, or Leia, or Darth (...ok, I might consider Darth down the road). Sure Nic, we get it…you likes you some Superman. But…well…DAMN!

Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette/Pilot Inspektor Lee: Sure, Penn and Teller have been one of the premiere Magic/Comedy acts for over 30 years – but at some point, they obviously made Penn’s brain disappear. Problem is, they didn’t make it re-appear. And Jason…I like your movies, generally, but, umm…what the fuck, man?!?! Ok guys, general rule-of-thumb…don’t give your kids names that are occupations…real…or fictional!!!

Tabooger Cortese: Right, so Dan Cortese barely qualifies as a celebrity, I mean let’s face it, he’s about as D-list as you get. But judging from his kid’s name, the only conclusions one can arrive at are that Dan hates children…he especially hates his kid…and he’s angry. Why so angry Dan? Didn’t get that Quick-E Mart opening gig in East Bumfuck Texas did ya?!

So what is it – is celebrity status like some kind of fucked-up fraternity or cult whose initiation ritual includes a big ol’ honkin’ hit off the worlds biggest crack pipe? Who’s to say? Do they get a card and a membership pin? When you become famous, do Angie and Brad show up at your door with a free African kid – which you then promptly proceed to name Maxturbation Steakfry Cosmonaut? Are there beny’s (aside from access to nearly endless supplies of tits, ass, and drugs)? You know, in the unlikely event I ever achieve some level of notoriety, I suppose, if nothing else, I can take some small measure of comfort in knowing that I named most or all of my kids long before it happened. And that if I’m ever accused of being totally bat-shit bonkers fuck crazy, I started out that way – money didn’t do it to me!


Herr Vogler said...



[throws hand up and walks away]

Herr Vogler said...

My kid may have an odd name here in the states, but at least she has what is an actual name.

word verification: towfight

Battle Royale between tow trucks.

the warrior bard said...

"Maxturbation Steakfry Cosmonaut"


Herr Vogler said...

Like the raptor fences, I knew better than to mess with that one.