"Let's all just calm the fuck down..."

So anyway, I read this article on CNN.com and immediately thought of Lew Black:

"They've won!!! We don't have to worry about the terrorists immobilizing us...we've done it to ourselves!"

OK, so granted he was talking about the fact that The Weather Channel is the most watched television station in the country. But I think the point still applies. What the fuck is wrong with people - they're running around in a full blown panic because they can't "TWEET" what color the shit they just let was!!! "It's like my heart was gone...I felt so empty inside" - FUCK YOU, and your pathetic, pointless, bullshit nonsense! Go outside and make an actual friend you ignorant fuck!!!

And what's the deal with this goddamned Twitter thing anyway?! I'll admit - I signed up for it right after I heard about it. Yeah, I signed up...spent about 27 seconds there - and then gave it a hearty "fuck this" and moved on. I mean, what is it really? It's Facebook, sans EVERYTHING except the status update feature! No bells, no whistles - hell, the bells and whistles were basically pissed on, then set on fire! Someone please explain to me the point of a site that's sole purpose is to leave a message to anyone and everyone as to what it is you're doing at any given moment! Well let's see world - I just pooed; now I'm staring off into space; now I'm watching flies fuck; now I'm taking a bite of my mashed potatoes; now I'm about to walk headlong into a speeding freight train because I won't take the time to look up from my friggin' phone; now I'm one-handing this because the other one's tossing my willy 'round a bit...AHHH...brb - gotta clean that hand off!!!

Why?

The missus signed up too, just out of curiosity - she hasn't been back either. Oddly enough, she has something like 20 "followers" (I have three I think). Talk about the express line to fucking NOWHERE!!! There are at least 20 individuals somewhere in this world that are waiting to see what someone they've never seen, met or have any connections to whatsoever is up to - and talk about your exercises in futility! Neither of us are going back...ever! God help anyone who's universe centers on waiting to see what I'm up to. You know, there's another group of people who have "followers" - they're called CULT LEADERS!!! Just as an experiment, I should go out and collect as many as I can - then Tweet all the males to ritualistically shave their balls before they castrate themselves with a rusty butter knife...you know, just to see how many would actually do it. Wonder if I could get a harem going along that same principle?

What does it say about a culture who's members have a complete meltdown because they can't (what essentially amounts to) leave a public text message? Now we have a website that lets you leave a text for the whole damned world. And I thought the whole text message craze was bad enough. I really don't get the point of that either. It's...a fucking PHONE!!! You dial a number, and you can actually talk, to a real live person - no shit! Whodathunkit! Naaaah...fuck that! Why actually communicate when you can have a god damned spell-a-thon with them? While we're at it, I'll use it to play games and check my e-mail too! A phone - whatever! Seriously, what's next - using video communication to speak to each other with Morse code?!?! I can just see it - two fucking idiots staring at each other via computer screen; they don't say a word...they just tap at each others faces with a series of dots and dashes! Don't know Morse code - don't worry...there's probably a fucking iPhone App to teach you!!!

A global meltdown because people couldn't fuckin' Tweet...for two goddamned hours no less - Jesus H. Christ!!! At this rate, I predict that about 60 - 70% of the Earth's population will have forgotten how to wipe their own asses within 15 years. Now THAT'S a goddamned epidemic! Mass hysteria, riots, chaos of biblical proportions as people crowd the streets because they can't figure out how to get the shit off their asses! Can we collectively agree to, henceforth, refer to Twitter-ers as twats?! ...Or twits - I suppose you could go with both, make them gender specific...that might be fun!

Christ, where's a copy of the fuckin' Guide when you need one - someone needs to tell these people don't fucking panic!