More Than Meets the Giant, Glistening Boobies

So anyway, did you hear there's a new Transformers movie out? You did...really?! Hmph - I had no idea, nary a peep on the TV, radio, internets, billboards...nothin'. Oh, I know why...that singer guy died the other day - that's why I haven't heard anything about it. OK, well now that that's resolved. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - a 150 minute vfx-porn extravaganza. But that's what most of Mike Bay's movies are right...fx porn. That's not porn with special effects (although how cool would that be?!). I would define fx-porn as a movie who's sole intent is to elicit a full-fledged geek-gasm via a complete, visual skull-fuck onslaught. That's what Bay does...he fucks your brain with visuals. Great performances from the performers...a minor concern. Plot coherency and sensibility - fuck that! Does it have a shot following a bomb as it leaves a Japanese Zero all the way to the point of impact on the U.S. destroyer that makes you want to come in your pants?! Fuckin' A right!!! That's the Michael Bay film aesthetic.

As everyone on the planet has heard by now - and I'm even talking about little, lost tribes of pygmies in the Amazon and the lizard people at the Earth's core - Transformers: ROTF had made some considerable bank despite a tepid critical response and general disdain from the fanboy community. Fuck fanboys, we've already covered their biggest problem in prior posts - in this case, these particular giant fucking robots committing carnage aren't doing so in the specific, precise manner that the über-geeks have been masturbating about since they were 12. As for the critics, well...revenge (pun intended) is a dish best served loud and green. Does the movie have problems, issues, concerns, troubles, consternations, etc? Absolutely!!! I'd say one of it's biggest problems is Bay himself. T:ROTF, more than any previous Bayfilm, feels as though he was given free reign to go completely and totally balls-out - they gave him almost a quarter of a billion dollars to make it...and he went frakkin' nuts! And in the end, the film actually suffers for it - but just a smidge. The movie is absolutely a study in visual excess. Let's face it, we're all going for the insane, giant-fucking-robot carnage...but there's almost too much to take in. To that end, I offer that the majority of the critics did have one issue correct - the middle act...needs work!

Unfortunately, this movie is (glaringly) a product of a rushed production schedule, and the WGA strike. It was reported a year ago that Alex Kurtzman and Rob Orci had about two weeks prior to the strike to hammer out a treatment and give it to Bay to, ermm..."flesh out". Bay's not a WGA member - he can do what he wants to it while the real writers are out of the office. On top of that, when the writers did come back to work, Ehren Kruger was brought in as a script polisher. Now, IMHO, and as evidenced by a recent film with young men and women boldly going and whatnot, Kurtzman and Orci wouldn't seem to really need a script doctor. In this case, I'd say Freddie Kruger would be a more appropriate moniker for the man. He hacked it to little bits. He's also responsible for the awesomness that is Blood and Chocolate, The Ring and The Ring II, The Skeleton Key, and of course who could forget...Reindeer Games! Particular low-points in ROTF include the (as I counted) 7 references to testicles (four by that Leo douchebag), the Jar-Jar twins and their just-slightly-over-the-top racially offensive personae, and as previously mentioned...the entire middle act. In the end, the movie is really only 15 minutes longer than the first one. The major gripe from the critical community from the first was that it had no plot. This new entry seems to drown in 2nd-Act exposition. As is always the case, no one ever asks us (the educated, seemingly intelligent, laid-back movie fan) our opinion on things (I make the assumption that there are considerably more of us out there than my tiny little readership). If they had, say, asked someone like...me...I would have offered a simple solution. Trim the middle act by 20 minutes of what is there, and substitute about 5 to 10 more minutes of the meat and potatoes of this movie...i.e. MORE GIANT-FUCK-ROBOT-CARNAGE!!! A simple answer would have been for the Decepticons to make good on their threats of worldwide destruction for not handing Sam over. There...problem solved. I offer that a good rule of thumb for future installments would be to have GFR's beating the hell out of...something...every twenty minutes or so.

The human element of both of these movies was a bit too much really. There were too many humans in the first. The second smartly excised the superfluous characters from the first, but then just went and threw in a few new ones seemingly just for the hell of it. Even the ones that only appeared for a few moments...just weren't entirely necessary (I'm looking at you Egyptian Checkpoint Scene!!!). I'm not going to quibble over the return of Sam's parents...his mom in particular cracks me up. I like Major Lennox and Sgt. Epps (Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson), I thought they were grossly underused here. Isabel Lucas, a.k.a. The Fembot - WOW! At one point I thought Bay was literally going to put the camera up her ass - not a bad thing mind you. I agree totally with something Brad told me: where the fuck are these colleges at?! How does one east coast school manage to wrangle up every insanely fuckable woman on the planet and put them in one place?! Then there's the title (of my post) character...Mikaela. I maintain that her sole purpose in both movies was to give all the male members of the audience, ages 10 to 203, a reason to pop a load in their pants. That has to be the purpose of her character - there is no other reason for her. To prove it, let me submit this question: ever notice that in both Transformers movies, Megan Fox...is moist...all the time?!?! There isn't a single moment in either movie where some part of her skin isn't shimmering from wet. It's usually her bust...but regardless, some portion of her body is wet. She could've been placed into a scene baking a cake at a convent, and she'd still look like she was lubed up for a day at the beach/strip club! I think we should at least be grateful that it's Michael Bay shooting her - let's face it, he (particularly in this new installment) basically fucks her with the camera in every shot she's in! And the world is a better place for it. I honestly do hope there is some real acting talent under all that unrelenting gorgeousness...I'd like to see her around in the future. If not...then I suppose there's always porn (please God...PLEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSEEEE!!!).

Jablonsky returned for music duties (as expected). And, well...he brought Hans and Linkin Park with him. Again...excess. I like Linkin Park, but they weren't needed here. Neither was Hans' influence on the overall sound of the score. I haven't heard the score away from the film, but what I did hear in the film (under all the calamity) I wasn't blown away by (figuratively) as I was with the score for the original. I like the consistency with the Optimus theme every time he appeared. I don't care how many times I see it, when Optimus Prime transforms...it kicks 31 flavors of fucking ass! And the Optimus theme is a great support system for said ass kicking. But it seems to me...and I don't know how this is possible, the elements from the first score were actually dumbed down. The Media Ventures/Remote Control compositional aesthetic was/is/forever-shall-be bold, ass-kicking music via the lowest common denominator. The scores for Transformers I & II are no exception. But the first was really a breath of fresh air from what most of us have come to expect from the MV guys. Unfortunately here, it lost itself somewhere. Brad had a point, maybe that was the point of Hans' presence - to make sure the music projected over the rest of the cacophony. Mission accomplished I supposed...but it definitely lost a little of the magic in the process.

So, in the end, what's my verdict? It needed a touch-up or two, but overall I really fucking liked it! I went apeshit over everything that I was supposed to go apeshit over, and I tagged along for the ride on the rest. That's not a bad thing...given the ingredients in the mix, it coulda/woulda/shoulda been a complete and total clusterfuck. But it wasn't, it really wasn't! I just hope they polish the ever-lovin' shit out of the next one. Because I'm already game for round three of insane-ginormous-transforming-fucking-robots-from-space carnage - but I'll wait...patiently...do us all a favor folks, and get this next one just right!

for those that are counting, this is the third day in a row with a new post...I'm thinking one more and the entire space-time continuum as we know it will collapse - thoughts?!