Friday, January 25, 2008


Douche Bag - n. A bag for holding the water or fluid used in douching (the cleansing of a woman's genitals)

Douchebag - n. (Slang) A jerk; a mean or rude person. An idiot; a dim-witted person. An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears. (wikipedia)

An asshole...

So anyway, it appears that sometime around the end of August last I fell victim to a mild bit of identity theft. Some chum-slurping, cockswipe douchebag hacked my Ebay and Paypal accounts and changed the shipping address I had on file. I discovered this on Tuesday of this week as I began inquiring as to the whereabouts of five CD's purchased on Ebay around New Year's. At first I wasn't sure what I was more shocked by - that some dick-fuck hacked my shit, or that it had been almost five months since I had purchased anything on Ebay. Needless to say, I won't be receiving my CD's anytime in the near future - they were shipped to Florida. On a positive note, once Paypal concludes their investigation into the matter, should they find in my favor, I'll be reimbursed for all! (grrrr....)

So, to one Marcus Griggs of 2731 Willow Run, Orlando, Florida...consider yourself warned. If I ever find you, I will (quite literally) nail your ass to a wooden chair, sew your eyelids open, and force you to watch as I slowly murder your entire family - I am Billy Fucking Bedlam motherfucker - that means your parents, your grandparents, your brothers, your sisters, your kids, even your dog! I think I'll just shoot your wife, girlfriend (boyfriend?) or whatever in the head - decorate your shirt in brain-matter grey. I haven't decided if I should sexually violate any of them yet, but if I do, my next big decision will be whether to do it before or after they're dead (my moral compass is completely fucking busted - it just spins counter-clockwise)! I'll then puree their remains and force-feed them to you through a funnel lodged firmly in your mouth. And for my coup de grace (if the distended stomach didn't already kill you), I intend to saw your testicles off with a rusty butter-knife and leave you to bleed to death.

I short...a sadistic, vindictive motherfucker!

Ok, so...yeah, obviously he'll likely never read this. But hey, what the fuck right?! I still get some small measure of satisfaction thinking about it! Can you imagine the rage I'd be in if he'd done something really serious, you know, like bid on shit - or worse, take actual money from me! I'd straight-up be huntin' me down a muthafucka, yo! Florida's nice this time of year isn't it? And you know what really pisses me off? I've gotta win the fucking CD's all over again!!!

(*mumbles under breath) douchebag...