Twas the Night Before Christmas (with optional translation for the Redneck impaired)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

It was Christmas Eve an’ we was all in the trailer – I got a sweet deal on a double-wide last year from my cousin Bobby Wayne.

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Hey baby look…I finally caught that little bastard’s been eatin’ our furniture!

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

Couldn’a afford no fancy stockin’s this year, so I gave the youngins a couple of my old socks. The missus patched up the holes real nice.

In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

Hey look kids…weatherman says Santa’s in Dallas, shouldn’t be long ‘for he’s here I reckon – git off to bed now, ye hear!!

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

Dang – finally got them little varmints to sleep!

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.

Junior started havin’ the “special” dreams a couple weeks back, now we gotta clean his sheets every couple days or so. That boy’s gonna be trouble here n’ a couple of years, I tell you what man!

And ma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

So I says to her, “Hey baby doll, why don’t you put on that little number from the Victoria’s Secrets you got last week” and she says to me, “Not tonight dammit, I got the headache – I’m PMSin’ real bad!”

Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

So I said fine, whatever…and went to the john with a Penthouse.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

What the hell’s that noise?! Baby you hear that?!

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Had to finish my business quick like, there was some sombuck out tearin’ up my lawn and I’d be damned if I was gonna let all that new sod I, erm…found…get all torn up!

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

I grabbed the Remington double-action with the 10X optical that Daddy got me for my birthday last year outta the closet. Nailed me an 8-pointer this summer. Did you know venison makes some mighty fine jerky?! Course…it weren’t exactly huntin’ season yet, so I had to keep things on the “down low” as the black fellers say.

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

I stormed out the door with nothin’ but my rifle and my boxers, raisin’ all kinds’a hell, whoopin’ and a hollerin’, hopin’ I’d just scare whoever it was off.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

Baby…you seein’ what I’m seein’?!

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

There’s a bunch’a deer out here, takin’ a dump on my new grass! GO ON…GIT!!! “What’s goin’ on out there”, she says, “I’m tryin’ to sleep dammit – Larry, knock it off, yer gonna wake up the kids!”

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.

HO-LY SHIT!!! It’s Santi Claus!!!

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

Nope…’s just some drunk who thinks he can talk to animals. Call the po-lice, tell Uncle Walt we got a live one for ‘im!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

I knew we shouldn’a bought that reefer off your no-account brother! I’m seein’ things…

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

Hey, you drunk bastard…git off’n my roof dammit! I’s just spent $400 on new shingles this summer. You tear that up ‘n I’m takin’ it outta yer ass!

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

Honey-pie, he’s tryin’ to get in the house, grab the kids n’ lock yourselves in the bedroom, somebody’s ‘bout to get shot!

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

Now look here you crazy fool, this ain’t yer house! Now the missus spent all day cleanin’ up and now yer trackin’ shit all over our carpet! I’ve called the po-lice – they’ll be here soon I reckon.

A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

Oh Christ-in-a-Cartoon, he’s some kinda homeless fella or something. Look, if I give you a sandwich and a couple’a bucks will you just leave? No…I don’t want to see what’s in your bag (pervert)!

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

This guy’s more stoned than I am!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

Mister, you one of them shopping mall Santa’s or something? I gotta tell you that’s a pretty good costume. I seen better, but that ain’t bad ’s all I’m sayin’!

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

Hey, put that out – look, the missus n’ I like to hit a little grass in the bedroom now n’ again, but we don’t allow regular smokin’ in this house. Sally Jo’s got the asthma, so put that thing out now, ye hear Least he wudn’t chewin’ Last thing I need is to try n’ get chew spit stains outta the carpet!

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

I thought all you bums was all rock-star skinny ‘r whatever. Mister, you need to go on a diet. Listen now, this ain’t funny. Yer gonna be arrested here in a minute so don’t go n’ make me shoot ya first.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!

I don’t know if it was the weed talkin’, or what but the feller was really kinda funny!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

I says to him, “Tell you what, this bein’ Christmas n’ all, how ‘bout you just git, an I’ll tell the boys in blue you just ran out the back.”

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He started dumpin’ his shit all over the house! I said, “NOW QUIT THAT!!!” He didn’t pay no mind, just kept at it. Then finally he went n’ made another hole in my roof as he made his escape! Least the fat ol’ bastard coulda done was gone out the way he came in. Now how the hell am I s’posed to explain this to the insurance man. “Well, there was this fat ol’ bum you see! He broke into my place, started makin’ a mess, dumpin’ shit every which way, then left two big ol’ holes in the ceiling as he went!” Now I got a $500 deductible – where’m I s’posed to come up with that kinda cash around the holidays?!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

I ain’t never seen nuthin’ like it! He just…flew away! When I see Jim Bob, I’m gonna beat his ass! I told him don’t go puttin’ extra stuff in my grass before I buy it! The wife had to talk uncle Walt outta chargin’ me on D & D. I told him I wudn’t drunk this time! Cain’t say as I blame him though – would you believe someone if’n they told ya what I just saw?!

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!

Sure, he said Merry Christmas. I says to him, “OH YEAH…WELL FUCK YOU TOO!!!” Bust up my house; almost get me arrested; tearin’ up my lawn; scarin’ the bejesus outta me n’ mine…I tell you what, I ever see you again you fat sonofabitch and I’ll kill ya!

Oh, and Merry Christmas everybody…and God bless Mmerica!