Monday, January 30, 2006

The Chuck Norris Fact O'The Day

And now for the Chuck Norris fact......O'The Day:

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "Who has the most balls?" contest and won by 5!

A Rant (Parental Advisory: Explicit Content)

So anyway, I just want to vent for a moment, if I may. You know what the true definition of a worthless cocksucker is? It’s one of these swindler, lowlife, complete waste of skin motherfucker lawyers who specializes in getting other lowlife waste of skin motherfuckers (with lead feet, no less) their driver’s licenses back. You hear their ad’s on the radio all the time. One, off the top of my head, some local ass clown named Jeff Jarrett (sp?), even has a fucking jingle (his numbers 342-EASY – should anyone want to harass his office for being the asshole enablers that they are). You get this 30-second spot of airtime where they tout being able to fix everything from speeding violators to D.U.I.’s. How is this even legal?!?! If some jackass gets his card ripped for drunk driving, serves him right. He’s a menace. He made the decision to steer a ton of steel, plastic and rubber into traffic while intoxicated. And while we’re on the subject, I’m of the opinion that the psychotic “I can’t drive 155” dickhead is any better. People who adamantly refuse to drive any less than 20mph over the speed limit, deserve to have their car driven up their ass at 90. If you’re that goddamned late all the time, start leaving earlier fucker! So who the hell is some scheister pigfucker lawyer to get these people their license back? Hey buddy, you fucked up, tough shit, take the bus for the rest of your days you inconsiderate prick! And you, the buttpirate with the law degree, try putting it to some real use like putting criminal in jail. I can’t help but hope there’s a special circle of hell for “attorneys” that specialize in this kind of bullshit. And now that I dwell on it for a minute, I’m not sure who’s worse - the lawyer cocksuckers, the menace-to-society-shouldn’t-be-allowed-to-operate-a-weedwacker-unsupervised drunk cocksuckers, or the radio stations that accept their money for airtime cocksuckers.

Anyway…I feel better now!

Friday, January 27, 2006

Chuck Norris Fact O'The Day

And now, the Chuck Norris Fact......O'The Day:

Chuck Norris is the only know mammal in history to have an opposable thumb...


Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Double Penetration

So anyway, The Pikey finally got to return to his happy place this past weekend…that’s right, I saw a movie. The Pikey is happy, the Pikey is muy muy happy! Actually, I saw two! Sunday afternoon, Sam and I finally caught the mighty Kong. I think Brad’s previous review basically sums up my thoughts on the thing as a whole, except to say that I have seen Naomi Watts in several other things (mmm…Mulholland Drive, lesbians, mmm…anyway) and indeed, she is truly an great talent. If anything though, I was a little underwhelmed by the casting overall. Talent only gets you so far in a film, and sometimes, a little shallowness needs to factor in in that it actually helps on occasion if the leads are pleasant to look at. Brody’s an excellent actor, but he’s a bit of a dork. Jack Black surprised me in his ability to pull off drama, but he’s still something of a troll. And Naomi is lovely, but she’s no Faye Raye, and she is definitely not Jessica Lange (who may have been one of the most gorgeous women in the world circa 1976 – the year of the first remake btw). But that’s a bit of a can of worms isn’t it? The ’76 remake was a shitbomb if ever there was one. The only thing it had going for it was Lange, and her mostly-neked-ness for a large portion of the middle act. This movie was too Hollywood not to have some serious Hollywood glam and star power in front of the cameras. I guess I just felt that they didn’t reconcile balancing that fine line between leads who are interesting because of how they look and fit the part physically, and leads who are interesting because of how good they perform and fit the part dramatically. I did however particularly enjoy Andy Serkis’ little role as the cook (particularly his, umm…exit). I’d forgotten (after being so used to hearing him as Gollum), how much of a deep baritone his natural speaking voice is – particularly with that thick Aussie/New Zealand accent. Anyway…

That’s not why I’m here today, today I really want to talk about what I saw Saturday…Munich. This is the second time Mr. Spielberg has had me leaving the theater thinking I’ve just witnessed something truly amazing, historic, and significant (the first being Schindler’s List). Spielberg the artist has never fared as well financially as Spielberg the childlike-storyteller, but that’s okay, overall I usually prefer the artist – those films are more satisfying dramatically. The usual players are back. Big John has crafted and eloquent and heart-wrenching score (even more so within the context of the film itself). It’s simultaneously subtle and dramatic – Jewish, but in a more modern sort of way, not rehashing anything really from Schindler’s List. Not having seen Memoirs of a Geisha, it’s hard to make a comparison as to which is better. If I were to go by soundtrack album alone, I’d lean towards Memoirs. It's likely the only thing keeping Johnny from Oscar gold this year is the horrible press Memoirs is getting. Janusz Kaminski is back behind the camera. Thankfully, only one over-exposed lens flare shows up (and in a neat sort of way, it’s actually just an accented reflection of the sunlight off of one of the main character’s glasses). Don’t get me wrong, Kaminski’s a hell of a D.P., but the glow thing got old three or four movies ago. Mike Kahn deserves at least an Oscar nom for his editing. Given the circumstances of the whirlwind shoot and postproduction period, it’s amazing he was able to make sense out of anything let alone cut the brilliant final presentation that is.

At the heart of Munich lie two points, or rather one point, and one question. The point being that evil usually begets evil, and the question is, “What is a terrorist?” It doesn't try to solve the problem, it just presents it, without reservation or judgement, and asks the viewer to decide. And it presents them in a way that is in no way pretentious, and avoids shoving them in your face or down your throat. It’s funny that the Israelis, whom in 1993 declared Spielberg a hero of the state for Schindler’s List, now just 12 years later are condemning him for being too “sympathetic” to the plight of the Palestinian terrorists. Equally funny is that the entire Arab community is lambasting him as well for “not getting the story right”! I think in most respects they're both full of shit. But appreciate for a moment if you will the irony in that hating an American movie about a shared event in recent history is something they both can finally agree upon. The film is, as is presented by the opening title card, ‘inspired’ by real events. In this case it’s a dramatization of the book Vengence, by George Jonas (which was previously dramatized about 20 years ago in the form of a bad made for T.V. two-night-er called Sword of Gideon). The book, which I’ve never read, is, according to the Arab Community (read: Black September – the terrorist cell in question) full of inaccuracies and downright lies…geez, go figure! The Israelis deny that any of it ever happened…geez…go figure! I can’t recall if Jonas was an actual member of the Mossad (sp?) involved in the retaliations, or if he just collected the information from (supposed) members involved and published it.

At any rate, as I said previously, both the Israelis and Arab community are full of it. If anything, this film severely chastises both sides for their actions. Black September kills the 11 hostages, Israel responds publicly by bombing several terrorist training camps. They respond secretly by forming assassination squads to take out key members of Black September. The terrorists respond to the Israeli response by bombing and killing Israeli diplomats and operatives. It goes back and forth. There’s no end in sight. Both sides feel justified in their actions. But…it’s taking its toll. How much retribution can a human soul handle…that’s the real question isn’t it? A review I read before seeing the film took issue with a particular scene towards the end of the film. In it, the main character Avner (Bana) is having sex with his wife whom he’s barely seen in two years. As they’re copulating, his mind keeps flashing to the final moments at the Munich Airport where the hostages were killed. Keep in mind he wasn’t there, he had no first hand knowledge of the events that took place, but being an agent of the Mossad (again, sp?), he was privy to all the reports of said events. In his mind, he sees everything go down, the botched rescue attempt, the assassination of the hostages, the killing of the terrorists. It drives him mad. He begins pounding all of his hate, his fear, his contempt, and outrage and despair into his wife…which she mistakes for passion. The reviewer essentially thought it was a silly and pointless scene, which to me says, he didn’t get it…at all! Avner’s mission is over. His team was to assassinate 11 high ranking men within Black September, one official for every Olympian. He got seven of them, losing three members of his own team in the process. Now he’s been released. But the task has consumed him. It’s all he can think of, and it’s all he is now. He had become what he was tasked to destroy, and now his life is a shell, full of paranoia, fear, rage, and regret. You’d think after all that this movie would be a bit of a downer, but at heart, it’s not really. If anything, it’s a call to those two warring communities to look at what they’ve become, and try to stop fighting and talk. I personally think it’s a futile request, but what the hell, Spielberg gave it a shot. Too bad they won't get it.

It’s kind of a shame really. Any other given year and Munich would be a shoe-in for Best Picture. For such a rush job, Spielberg really poured his heart and soul into this, much as he did for Schindler’s List. But as I recall, Schindler’s production was a tad on the quick side as well (excluding the fact that Spielberg admitted that it took almost 10 years to work up the nerve to film the thing). Maybe that’s when the man works best, under pressure. And it’s refreshing to see he didn’t pull any punches, and wasn’t afraid to leave his childlike sensibilities at home. Regrettably, this film likely won’t receive the acclaim it deserves. I’m sure Brokeback Mountain is fascinating. I think Ang Lee is a fantastic director, and Gyllenhaal is certainly developing some fine drama chops. I certainly have no qualms about its subject matter, and am looking forward to its release on DVD, but I can’t help but think it’s riding this West Coast/Hollywood PR Machine/Extreme Leftist/It’s Okay to be Gay Bandwagon. This of course means that Munich is going to be completely sodomized (pun intended) this year by the Academy – even though it’s probably one of the best films to come along in years.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Chuck Norris Fact O'The Day

And now the Chuck Norris Fact.....O'The Day:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a whole turtle and when he crapped it out it was six feet tall and knew karate!

Monday, January 23, 2006

Chuck Norris Fact O'The Day

And Now For the Chuck Norris Fact...O'The Day:

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will fuck you up!!!

Thursday, January 12, 2006


So yeah...ok, there may be a slight resemblance!!!

Yes, I know, I'm's a disease, I need help!!!

Friday, January 06, 2006

Two Birds...One BIG Frickin' Stone!

So anyway, I may anger quite a few people with the following concept, but what the hell…I’ve got to say it. I propose that as a society, humanity as a whole should find some way of screening newborns for inherent genetic tendencies towards religious extremism, fanaticism, and/or evangelism (televangelism in particular), and euthanize them at birth. There…I’ve said it. That may seem overly fascist of me, but I can live with that. Through pure observation alone (I have no scientific evidence of this) I’ve come to believe that organized religion is going to be the downfall of humanity. Zealots, like most Republicans (one in the same – perhaps?!), are not stupid people. They do however tend to possess the biggest mouths and have an uncanny ability to get people (particularly those of lesser intelligence) to listen to them. Case in point, I give you Pat Robertson, whom yesterday proclaimed (on national TV no less) that God “smote” Ariel Sharon for pulling Israeli troops out of Gaza. The same Pat Robertson who just months prior suggested that the U.S. government assassinate Hugo Chavez for God! Smite can be a really fun topic. I love it when Lew Black makes reference to “smote”-ing. It’s funny. Guys like Robertson say it and the hairs on my neck stand up in fear!

Before I continue, let me clarify a few things. Firstly, I believe in God, or rather I tend to lean towards believing in the Judeo-Christian version of God. I believe Jesus Christ existed. I find calling him the Son of God a little trite and silly since I think we’re all essentially children of a higher being. I think he had a positive message and a pure heart, the ideals of which have been twisted and mangled for The Church’s bullshit political agenda for going on 2000 or so years now. I believe people need to believe in something. I think it’s healthy, if not necessary to believe that there’s something after this life. I do. I’d go completely crazy (instead of just mostly crazy like now) if I knew there wasn’t anything after this life. I like thinking that my father and grandmother are waiting for me in another plane of existence. And I certainly would never begrudge someone for believing in God, mine or their own.

But God is also a dangerous concept. It’s the oldest statistic known to man: More wars have been fought - more blood shed - in the name of God than any other thing in history – ever! A few months back, I read a “news” story online about an entire Christian parish from somewhere in Bumfuck, Kansas that felt inclined to drive to Oklahoma (I think – maybe it was Kentucky…I need to look it up again I guess) and protest at the funerals of two of our boys who were killed in action in Iraq because “God was punishing them for America’s acceptance of gays.”




I’ve heard some insane shit in my time, but that was just incredible. This is America, we’re guaranteed by law the right to think as we please…but…

That brings me to my second ‘bird’ as it were. What is the point of blogging? I bring it up because Warrior-Bard's latest posting seems to demonstrate an individual in a mild crisis regarding this subject. I only know the guy by association (through Vogler), but I’ve been reading him regularly since he started his blog and I find him to be an interesting fellow who shares similar interests (that is, after all, how our little web-community found each other to begin with isn't it?!). If I were to offer a single critique of his blog, it’s that he seems far too concerned with everyone’s opinion of him and his thoughts. If anything, I’d say, enjoy the freedom. There’s a certain pleasure to be derived from anonymity (even between friends - at face value, that seems like an extreme contradiction, but I know what I mean, let's hope you do too!). My opinion is that your blog is what you make of it. If using your blog to write a 2000 page treatise on why midgets are the tools of the devil and should all be put to death, then that’s your prerogative. Granted you probably won’t win too many friends, but hey, maybe you’re not here to make them to begin with. Hell, this is all coming from a guy who wrote two large essays on the wonders of porn, and how contract killing sounded like a fulfilling profession.

So what’s my point in all of this? People can think what they want, but some should keep it to themselves. Blogging is a wonderful new outlet for venting, ranting and just generally getting your insane opinion into the open - do with it what you will. Don’t stress so much on what others think, you’re entitled to your thoughts. The extreme religious right should go to hell…

…and Pat Robertson is a tool. May the Lord smite him in his big, ignorant, self-important asshole!

Feel free to lay the smack on me as you see fit!